Tag Archives: Bridge to Total Freedom

LRH’s Exactly Taped Path Out of the Trap

By way of answering an oft-asked technical question we get in RTC, Dr. Hubbard used Mighty Line® Deluxe Safety Tape – 4″ x 100′, Yellow/Black to exactly tape the way out of the trap. 47,000,000 feet of tape was required. If one stays within the pathway created by the lines of the safety tape they will safely exit the 75,000,000 year old trap; this assuming they can pay the $360,000+ toll to traverse the vast expanse of the trap.

If one steps outside of the lines of the safety tape, say by reading entheta online or forwarding Black PR about COB, they will die a horrible and agonizing death by suffocating on their own vomit. For this reason, we in RTC mark the exactly taped path with warning signs along the way:

Let’s do the math on LRH’s exactly taped path out of the trap. The pathway is very narrow. To be specific, it is three feet wide ( 0.9144 meter) and bounded on either side by yellow and black safety tape. Thus, we divide 47,000,000 million feet by two. By dividing and converting to miles, we find the exactly taped pathway out of the trap is 44,508 miles in length (71,629 meters).

Given the length of the exactly taped path, there is a lot of auditing to do to make it through the engram-laden swamps of the Reactive Mind and the Walls of Fire which comprise the OT Levels. Get to work Scientologist! You have a long way to go to get out of the trap!


Faith and Money: The Two Pillars of the Church of Scientology


Faith and Money are the two pillars upon which the Church of Scientology is forever established.

Our members have faith and we have their money.

This is true.

As a labyrinthine series of mocked up religious corporations within an equally labyrinthine mocked up MEST universe, the Church of Scientology is as legally tenuous and unaccountable as possible, and yet the Church itself is forever established and eternal in the heavens.

And way up high at the summit of the Bridge, the top leader of the Church must invariably become translucent and disappear with the money in hand into  bluebird land; this to vouchsafe the money into safe and imperishable vaults wherein wog authorities cannot intrude to lay hold of and seize said funds.

The true Church can never cease to exist; and so it follows that the true Church can never become financially insolvent.  Granted, the Church’s corporate forms will come and go in their turn; and although these forms may go bankrupt on paper, our Special Directors will ensure that their corpus will easily slide and reincarnate into a maze of mocked up new forms.

To always stay one step ahead of wog law is our stable datum.

And so it is that while the Church’s human leaders will come and go in their turn; and although they may be accused of, charged with, or convicted of crimes, this too is all ephemeral and passes away.

What remains imperishable in the heavens are the twin pillars of Faith and Money upon which the Church of Scientology is forever fixed. We have given you a sacred duty and trust to forever hold high and aloft the bright torch of faith; we will help you by forever holding and keeping your money.

Church of Scientology Wishes Jewish People a Happy Rush Havana


We in the Church of Scientology wish Jewish people a happy Rush Havana.

Although we know virtually nothing about Judaism, we in Scientology have been told that Rush Havana is some sort of important Jewish holiday where people sit around and eat and kvetch.

As our free gift to the Jewish people, we invite you to drop by your nearest Scientology Ideal Org to receive a free personality test. This test will tell you why Jews — and all other wogs — are neurotic and have deep-seated personal problems.

The answer is the reactive mind.  The good news is that Scientology can erase the reactive mind for as little as $1,250,000 + IAS Status fees.

Group Bank of the Church of Scientology to Engage in Quantative Easing to Prevent Collapse

sec.checkScientology Finance Dictator  Dr. Werner Von Strudeldorf today announced that the Group Bank of the Church of Scientology would engage in quantitative easing to prevent the utter financial collapse of the Church.

“With the exceptions of a few whales,” said  “99.9% of Church parishioners and Sea Org members are broke. Therefore, the Group Bank is pumping in $1,000,000,000 to finance auditing at 0% interest.”

“We have to get butts in seats, err, preclears in session,” emphasized Dr. Von Strudeldorf. “Therefore, the Group Bank is loaning preclears money at 0% interest with 10,000 year repayment terms to continue up their Bridges. ”

“We are basically doing this so that COB RTC David Miscavige’s Ideal Orgs are not 100% empty on a 100% basis, this as they are at the present time.

“More than 5 Scientologists have taken loans since the program began last week,” noted Dr. Von Strudeldorf.

Secret RTC Briefing: Evil Billionaire Funding Tony Ortega


3D-Unbreakable-e1431277607923We in RTC have learned that an evil billionaire is funding Tony Ortega and his new book The Unbreakable Miss Lovely.

Although Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has nothing whatsoever with running the daily affairs of CSI, he recently ran into CO OSA Linda Hamel at the water cooler and suggested to her that it would be splendid if OSA located the anonymous billionaire.

In happier news, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s new portrait now proudly hangs in the Exalted Golden IAS Patron’s Pavilion in the Great Hall of Exact Data. This portrait is has been described by important international art critics as having “a pleasing and exceptionally high aesthetic wavelength that communicates fully the nature and essence of Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s singular and Herculean labors whereby, and through the work of his own hands alone as none could equal his endurance, he has wrought 928,754 new Ideal Orgs located at the epicenters of civilizations scattered across nineteen continents in the 15,901 countries of the world.”

Welcome to the Church of Scientology – Indoctrination for New Members


Welcome to the Church of Scientology.

You have made a very wise decision to improve yourself through the use of our highly effective spiritual technology.

An exciting spiritual adventure awaits. Our copyrighted spiritual technology will allow you to precisely date locate, re-experience, and thereby erase all of the painful engrams stored in your reactive mind. And as you move with GAT II’s fastest-ever speeds up the Bridge to Total Freedom, you’ll quickly become a Clear who has no reactive mind — and then onto the summit of the OT levels!

Scientology’s electropsychometer — or “e-meter” as we call it — will probe the deepest recesses of your prurient, festering, and filthy self-absorbed mind, thereby relieving you of your hidden evil purposes and the vast reservoir of guilty secrets that lay hidden just beneath the surface. We know what makes you tick and it is not good.

The e-meter is your friend and so is your auditor. Likewise, all of us in the Church of Scientology are your friends.

We care so very deeply about you.

It is for this reason that you must, while in the recorded sessions with your auditor, unreservedly confess to us all of your horrible crimes and sins in order to free yourself. For example, we must know the intimate details of your secret drug-fueled masturbatory orgies. What detestable fantasies run through your head during these assuredly self-hating bouts of onanism?

And what of embezzlement, grand theft, or any other felonies you have committed and do not want the authorities to discover? We need to know the details of just exactly what you did, how you got away with it, and how much money is involved. Please be assured we can certainly make “problem money” go away very quickly thereby relieving you of any undue concerns.

As for your current marriage or primary relationship: If the other person is not a Scientologist, or is not willing to promptly become a Scientologist, why then they must be gotten rid of immediately. Drive them from your life now! If needed, we are quite proficient at helping make these hateful anti-Scientologists go away and even disappear. The same applies to any of your friends who are not friendly to Scientology. We are very friendly. As Scientologists, however, we simply do not care to associate ourselves with Suppressive Persons (SP’s).

SP’s are quite insane and are actually criminals. As such, SP’s are opposed to anyone getting better by using Scientology’s safe and effective drug free solutions to life.

For your own safety you must stay away from SP’s. We will tell you who and who is not an SP.

We are the most ethical group on the planet.

Your secrets are unquestionably safe with us.

Your auditing sessions are recorded only for internal training purposes.

You must help us help you. You must never try to hide anything from us. You must never keep any secrets from us or attempt to hide any money from us. You must never run away from us and make us come after you because we will.

Please do not confuse our intense love and affection for stalking. For instance, if you come to home to find your fellow Scientologists conducting a detailed inspection of your residence and possessions, you need not be alarmed. We are simply acting in your best interest by taking away from you those possessions we feel could harm you. Such possessions include, but are not limited to, computers and all other devices capable of connecting to the internet or placing calls to your so-called family and friends. We have issued you a two-way radio. You can call us if needed. When we call you on your radio, and we will several times each hour to check in on your progress, you must answer.

Instant obedience is the way of life in Scientology. You must use every waking moment to improve and perfect your instant obedience and commitment to the Church of Scientology.

You will be precisely indoctrinated in order to achieve the absolute state of spiritual enlightenment. This is achieved by a strict monastic regimen of painful and soul-rending confession, malnourishment, beatings, and sleep deprivation. While this intense monastic regime results in alternating states of giddy euphoria and abject self-debasement, we assure you this only a temporary state. Indeed, when the “extreme crisis phase” of this exalted spiritual state reaches its climax, the reactive mind rather unexpectedly and permanently erases. Suddenly you “go Clear” because you are Clear.

We will present you with a handsomely framed certificate verifying the State of Clear you have reached. This certificate may be displayed in your home. This certificate is all the proof needed to verify that you are an advanced spiritual being whose IQ and abilities mark  you as being better and smarter than the seven billion inferior people on this planet who are not Scientologists.

It is an actual scientific fact that when you improve yourself using Scientology you are vastly superior in every way to what we secretly call “homo saps” or “wogs”, i.e. non-Scientologists. You will eventually become an Operating Thetan, or “OT.”

And when you become an exalted OT VIII like Tom Cruise, you too will know the seventy-six trillion year old hidden Nazi history of Psychiatry. You too will be the only one who can help at the scene of an accident.

This completes your “Welcome to the Church of Scientology” Level 1.

Our uniformed security personnel will now escort you to Room 5A. There we need you to quickly sign some paperwork authorizing the Church of Scientology to implant a micro-GPS device behind your left ear. This device includes a sound chip. Should you fail to answer when we call you on your radio, this device will emit an undulating shrill pitch until you answer our call.

Massive Stat Crash at Flag Land Base Threatens the Very Survival of Our Planet!

khrushchev-1An inky black darkness has descended upon the Flag Land Base,” declared Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman,  CO INT STAT CRASH INVESTIGATIONS UNIT.

“My initial investigation has revealed that fully 84% of Flag staff members report:

  • Masses in the head related to stats
  • Black masses clustered to their heads opposing stats
  • Harboring secret blow thoughts
  • Going into catatonic states at the merest mention stats
  • Feelings of being constantly watched  by the many hidden cameras at Flag
  • Engaging in chronic defeatist natter and making COB wrong

“The bottom line is that the stats at Flag have crashed to new lowest evers, and, given the magnitude of the disaster,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman emphasized, “COB has increased the 20 person Flag World Tour to Los Angeles to 1,154 people. Every Scientologist in Los Angeles will be personally and repeatedly contacted at least fifteen times to be briefed on the vital planetary urgency of coming to Flag immediately for at least two major services or else!”