Church of Scientology News: Burlwood Pen Burglarly!

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine today revealed details of yesterday’s shocking burglary wherein 39,000 RTC burlwood pens were stolen from a Church of Scientology warehouse in Los Angeles.

“The thieves ignored the 20,000 new GAT II E-Meters that have been sitting on the shelves for ten years and went straight for the burlwood pens,” said Dr. Weiner. “That fact alone tells you that the thieves were wogs because those new meters are worth their weight in gold for finding and locating areas of charge.”

Dr Eldon Weiner assures Church of Scientology parishioners that they will get a burlwood-like pen.

Asked by reporters what the Church would now do to fulfill the “tens of thousands” existing orders for the distinctive RTC burlwood pens, Dr. Weiner declared, “Parishioners who donated $5,000 for an official RTC burlwood pen will get a pen.”

“What we did,” Weiner explained, “was to order 39,000 Bic pens from Staples. We are having Sea Org members wrap each pen with burlwood contact paper. The result is a handsome burlwood-like pen that can be used for writing, so the Church has made good on the orders.”

12 replies »

  1. There is a lesson to be learned here Wogs….the Church ALWAYS exchanges in abundance. A pen wrapped in Burlwood contact paper is a Burlwood pen.


    • Poison Ivy is on our short list of suspects. She may have been conspiring with ivanmapother and Chocolate Velvet in this caper.

      Word on the street is that RTC burlwood pens are an underworld favorite and that all real criminals want an RTC burlwood pen.


      • It remains to be seen whether anyone clamors for the new Oscar Mayer (Weiner) edition of the formerly fashionable RTC burlwood writing accouterment.


  2. OT8 –

    I know I’m the new guy on the block, but this Weiner guy makes me a little uncomfortable. With all due respect to Dr. Eldon Weiner (Doctor!!?? Really?? What diploma mill conferred a doctorate degree to this guy!!??), it seems obvious that in his attempt to make it go right, he’s instead making it go completely wrong.

    The Church of Scientology has an obligation to its members to never “squirrel” the tech. COB has called for the excommunication of anyone squirreling the tech. Does this not extend to the technology of manufacturing the esteemed IAS Burlwood pen, a dashingly handsome adornment to the pockets and purses of OT’s all over the world?

    The quality of the burlwood pen is renowned in the world of writing implements. Due to the nature of the burlwood, each pen is unique. No two pens are exactly alike. I can’t believe COB sanctioned a plan to squirrel the IAS burlwood pen Manufacturing Tech, so therefore, consider this a Knowledge Report on Dr. Eldon Weiner.


    Dr. Weiner has suggested using wog pens from Staples covered with burlwood contact paper as an adequate substitute for the exacting craftsmanship demanded by the IAS burlwood pen. COB has a reputation to uphold. Since he personally approved the tech for the burlwood pens, Dr. Weiner is attempting to squirrel COB’s tech. It is exactly these kind of shortcuts that made GAT II so necessary and became COB’s personal mission.

    In closing, in an attempt to “make this wrong go right”, I’ve contacted our supplier for Burlwood pens who assures me that the supply we lost is less than our standing order of 50,000 pens/month, which is in line with our current rate of new $5,000 donations. I don’t want to diminish the seriousness of a fiendishly suppressive act of thievery, but before we pull a cadre of SO members from the phone bank of our newly formed and vertically upstat concierge service, we may wish to consider that a semi-trailer of new pens is being rushed to our warehouse.

    Something else is amiss. It seems strange that a new ebay storefront is offering up burlwood pens “just in time for the back to school season” immediately following the theft. We’re attempting to get leads on who is behind this storefront and whether they may have been involved in the theft.


    • Captain Whostolemycog, how dare you impugn the integrity of Dr. Eldon Weiner!

      For your information, Dr. Weiner actually has two earned doctorates:

      1. Doctor of Dianetics

      2. Doctor of Scientology

      Additionally, Dr. Weiner is one of a tiny handful of Scientologists to actually complete the FEBC, OEC, and the SHSBC.

      An OTVIII and Class VIII, Dr. Weiner works tirelessly to locate and shatter Planetary Suppression on behalf of Church of Scientology Emperor David Miscavige.

      As for the burlwood-like pens, we in RTC personally approved the temporary substitution.

      As for the monthly order of burlwood pens: The shipments are in impound at the Port of Long Beach. The wog Department of Homeland Security is claiming that the Church attempted to smuggle in 1,594 North Korean Sea Org members into the US in our containers of burlwood pens.

      This is all a lie.

      We don’t know who the stowaways were — and their Sea Org ID cards were obviously forged. It looks like a typical SMERSH “frame up job ” done to attack the Church.

      Our wog lawyers will handle it all, grease a few palms at the Port and the DHS, and this matter will quickly go away as did the Missing Person report on Shelly.

      We in RTC always make it go right!


  3. Recipients of these fine burlwood-like pens should feel lucky. Most people who donate to the IAS, Ideal Orgs or Library book campaigns get nothing more than a certificate congratulating them for being a sucker. The lucky ones get a photo with COB that they can sell on eBay to Anons seeking lulz.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.