“Google is not the ‘friendly search engine’ it pretends to be,” declared senior Scientology official Dr. Eldon Weiner.
“After two years of investigation, we in the Church of Scientology have obtained incontrovertible proof that Google is a covert NSA operation whose real purpose is to attack us!”
“The fix is in against Scientology,” Dr. Weiner bitterly complained. “The Google Conspiracy explains why there is never any good news about Scientology out there on any of those wog internets. Just go try to find some good news about us and you can’t! That’s why we had to create our own special Scientology website.”
“Scientology threatens to destroy the ninety trillion dollar per year market for Psych drugs on this planet,” Weiner emphasized. “And so Google was created by NSA Psychs to ensure that only negative search results for Scientology can be found online.”
“Google is a vicious circle of penile enhancement, porn, Psych drugs, and nonstop attacks on our ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige,” Dr. Weiner exclaimed. “And that’s why Scientologists are not allowed to use Google!”
“If Scientologists have questions about anything they should talk to a friendly Scientology Ethics Officer or use the approved hardback dictionaries and encyclopedias in their Org library. Other than that, they are ordered to stay off Google and the rest of those damned wog internets! “