David Miscavige Crowned Emperor of the Church of Scientology!

The coronation of Emperor Miscavige heralds a new age for Mankind in which peoples from all nations will unite under his leadership and embrace Scientology as the new one world religion.

Today before a crowd of Scientology parishioners estimated at 12,000,000, Mr. David Miscavige was crowned Emperor of the Church of Scientology.

Billions watched on television or online. The event was filmed and  will be shown daily at all Ideal Orgs for at least five years. We in RTC want to make sure everyone sees it.

Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine

“GAT II really pushed Scientologists over the edge,” declared Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine. “The magnitude of the greatness of GAT II  is what caused the abrupt and sudden origination on COB’s part that he be immediately crowned  Emperor Miscavige.”

“The great honor of crowning the new Emperor was given to elder Church statesman Norman Starkey,” said Dr. Weiner. “However, it seems that Norman somehow became accidentally intoxicated in the pre-coronation festivities whereupon he pawed a few actresses who were present and then fell asleep in a corner.”

Norman Starkey speaking onboard the Freewinds in 1998.

Norman Starkey speaking onboard the Freewinds in 1998.

“We were going to replace Mr. Starkey with the Emperor’s twin sister Denise Miscavge and have her crown him, but she is off somewhere in a wog detox.”

“Likewise, Scientologist Tom Cruise was not available to crown Emperor Miscavige as he is away filming what will surely be another failed action film.”

“Moreover, Craig Jensen begged off as did John Travolta, Beck, and Bob Duggan, and at least a dozen other OT’s” Dr. Weiner commented.

“That old heavy-bottomed gal with the big mouth, whatshername? Kirstie Alley? Yes, Kirstie. Well, she offered to do the job, but RTC took a pass on her as  she is, and I’m sorry to be blunt, that woman is a flat out embarrassment to the Church of Scientology!”

“Understandably exasperated by these events, Mr. Miscavige took the darned crown off the satin pillow and crowned himself. Charlemagne crowned himself so there is precedent for self-coronation,” Dr. Weiner stated.

All hail Emperor Miscavige!

Emperor David Miscavige

7 responses to “David Miscavige Crowned Emperor of the Church of Scientology!

  1. Ken Delusion haha, yes this is all rather reminiscent of the Pythons.

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  2. August 15, 2013…A date that will life in infamy! Isn’t it amazing how GATII is the “right item” here, as upon it’s release, amazing and unprecedented expansion and growth are occurring!!

    In related news (although no news can really relate to COB being named Emperor) Mr Weiner’s son is “doing something about” the sad state of politics in this wog nation. Weiner is running for President of the United States and who did he choose for his running mate? No other than Mr Eric Holder!!!!

    So it’s official!! Weiner-Holder 2016. According to Weiner-Holder spokesperson, Ivana Swallooh, they know the needs of wogs in our country. “Sometimes grasping the “short” term needs and really working with it tends to solve the “long” term needs! So 3 cheers for Weiner-Holder as I think we can all have reality with their campaign slogan…”A Set of Basics In Every Wog Home!”

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  3. Napoleon crowned himself also.

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  4. What a truly great day for humanity! Teegeeack will surely flourish and prosper under the benevolent (that means ultra-violent right?) guidance of Emperor Miscavige. And to have this historic day covered by brilliant reporter and historian OTVIIIisGrrr8! is just icing on the cake!

    Hey wait, is that an SP hiding behind the throne? Someone alert that slacker guard to EOB’s left!

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  5. He is definitely channeling LRH.

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