Today before a crowd of Scientology parishioners estimated at 12,000,000, Mr. David Miscavige was crowned Emperor of the Church of Scientology.
Billions watched on television or online. The event was filmed and will be shown daily at all Ideal Orgs for at least five years. We in RTC want to make sure everyone sees it.
“GAT II really pushed Scientologists over the edge,” declared Dr. Eldon Weiner of Freedom Magazine. “The magnitude of the greatness of GAT II is what caused the abrupt and sudden origination on COB’s part that he be immediately crowned Emperor Miscavige.”
“The great honor of crowning the new Emperor was given to elder Church statesman Norman Starkey,” said Dr. Weiner. “However, it seems that Norman somehow became accidentally intoxicated in the pre-coronation festivities whereupon he pawed a few actresses who were present and then fell asleep in a corner.”
“We were going to replace Mr. Starkey with the Emperor’s twin sister Denise Miscavge and have her crown him, but she is off somewhere in a wog detox.”
“Likewise, Scientologist Tom Cruise was not available to crown Emperor Miscavige as he is away filming what will surely be another failed action film.”
“Moreover, Craig Jensen begged off as did John Travolta, Beck, and Bob Duggan, and at least a dozen other OT’s” Dr. Weiner commented.
“That old heavy-bottomed gal with the big mouth, whatshername? Kirstie Alley? Yes, Kirstie. Well, she offered to do the job, but RTC took a pass on her as she is, and I’m sorry to be blunt, that woman is a flat out embarrassment to the Church of Scientology!”
“Understandably exasperated by these events, Mr. Miscavige took the darned crown off the satin pillow and crowned himself. Charlemagne crowned himself so there is precedent for self-coronation,” Dr. Weiner stated.
All hail Emperor Miscavige!