Church of Scientology to Unveil Revolutionary New E-Meter!

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that COB RTC David Miscavige is set to unveil a “revolutionary new e-meter” next month at the annual Flag Understanding Conceptual Knowledge Education Day.

“Personally designed by COB, the new Mark CV e-meter will deliver overwhelming current in amounts designed to knock engrams and other sources of resistance to command intention out of the skulls of even the most obdurate Scientologists,” noted Delusion.

The new Mark CV e-meter will deliver a revolutionary “whole body auditing experience’ that will rocket Scientologists up the Bridge with lightning speed!

“In accord with the premise of Super Power, the new Mark CV e-meter will deliver a ‘whole body auditing experience’ that will literally erase any considerations to making phenomenal and heroic donations to the IAS,” Delusion added.

Moreover, if only to underscore the magnitude of the importance of the launch of the Mark CV, all Scientologists will be required by COB to immediately donate for ten intensives of this new immersive whole body auditing, this in order to handle all of their false purposes, hidden standards, and withholds.

“No lie will escape detection by the new Mark CV,” Delusion solemnly intoned.

Tech expert Mr. Danny Sherman tests the Mark CV on New OTVIII Ms. Margaret Snodgrass of Lima, Ohio. After recovering from her first immersive whole body auditing intensive, Ms. Snodgrass raved like a mad woman about the experience.

In related news, Flag Land Base CO Mrs. Constant Harangue announced that last evening’s IAS knighting ceremony in Flag Chapel Six was very successful and that no one present expired or otherwise died.

The IAS Knighting Ceremony was successful; no one died.

10 replies »

  1. Since the new Mark CV whole-body auditing meter encases one in metal, it would deliver erroneous readings if a PC were to hold the cans. It thus follows that they must be inserted somewhere. Which orifices are you planning on using for this?


  2. JohnP, the human body has only two orifices of suitable size for the e-meter cans. Most clams are used to ‘getting reged up the ass’ and ‘down the throat’ anyway.

    OT8, are you sure that isn’t a picture of Grand Fleet Enema David Miscavige’s new Japanese sex robot? Are we required to salute Daveys new sex robot?


  3. It sounds like the Mark CV is the bees knees, but currently I’m on the hook with Comcast for eight more months. Before I jump in whole hog, is the Mark CV subject to NFL blackouts and does it make tons of julien fries? Also, tell COB I can’t make it to next month’s shindig and I wish him the best because he truely is Flag Understanding Conceptual Knowledge Education Day personified.


  4. “Mark CV”? Really?

    Well, the Chocolate Velvet is a full-body experience, no question. A delicious one. But when David said he was going to do this, I thought he was just drunk! That impetuous little sweetie! Please tell COB that I am honored and deeply flattered by this, OTVIII.


      • Simply amazing. Exquisite line work. I do love a great tattoo, and that qualifies.

        But I imagine David would be freaked out by it. Restim or whatever. And the idea of him hanging out in a locker room like some wog dude seems odd, OTVIII. Doesn’t Davey have his own dressing room, complete with sauna, multi-head shower with steam, and a mirror-wall with adjustable lighting? If he doesn’t, he should!


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