Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise recently addressed billions of Scientologists globally concerning the wave of recent attacks on COB RTC David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology.

Speaking from the resplendent and recently newly-paved Ideal Parking Lot of AOLA as it faces Sunset Blvd., which ideal parking lot can also be made to serve as an improvisational stage, the scene of a gala event, or a summer bar-be-cue,  Admiral Cruise began his global address by declaring, “I greet you in the name of David Miscavige, the beneficent, the Leader of Leaders, and I have met them all.”

Admiral Cruise then turned to the central thrust of his message. “Today I come to you my fellow IAS members to state that humanitarian and religious leader David Miscavige has issued a sweeping Universal Denial of all allegations of abuse, criminality, financial wrongdoing, fraud, malfeasance, sadism, psychosis, and insanity that have been leveled against him, the Church of Scientology, and the Church’s corporate bodies, social betterment groups, and auxiliaries in recent decades.

“Mr. Miscavige’s Universal Denial,” Admiral Cruise emphasized, “is ecclesiastical in nature, thus elevating it to the level of sacred religious scripture. Hence, any attack upon Mr. Miscavige or the Church must be construed as having come from apostates or haters of religion. Further, in his capacity as Chairman of the Board Religious Technology Center, Mr. Miscavige has deemed all books critical of himself or the Church of Scientology to be lies.

“Therefore be it resolved that we in the Church of Scientology will answer all critical questions directed towards us by:

“1. Asserting our Universal Denial of all charges and allegations.

“2. Declaring all charges, allegations, books, pamphlets, and websites critical of us to be lies. We will TR3 this over and over and over: The attacks upon COB and the Church are all lies.

“3. Declaring that the true meaning of KSW is to hammer out of existence all attacks on COB RTC David Miscavige.

“Here’s to COB!” exulted Mr. Cruise as the cameras panned to an ephemeral visage of Mr. David Miscavige’s radiant and giant disembodied head floating across the expanse of the cloud-swept vanilla sky as if it were a beatific vision of Theta manifesting for all to witness.

The miraculous having occurred and having been true for one and all, the Scientologists clustered on the parking lot of AOLA chanted, ” Hip hip hooray!” thrice in honor of COB.

The meeting ended sharply on cue at 1530 hours whereupon tributes in the form of cash were exacted upon pain of SP Declare from all therein assembled so that IAS might purchase a new tele-vision commercial extolling the virtues of the Scientology faith that has saved hundreds of billions of people and has thus become the world’s fastest growing religion to have been founded in the twentieth century.