We in the Church of Scientology had planned for months and had everything in place when our big multimillion dollar ad played during the big wog football game called the Super Bowl.
As predicted, our phone banks lit up like a midnight Subaru super sale spearheaded by New OTVIII Grant Cardone.
Millions of people called and e-mailed the the Church of Scientology in search of the answers to life.
Here is a sample of Super Bowl e-mails we received:
Q: I am wealthier than God because I break every possible law everyday in my manufacturing business and drink excessively. I work my sweat shop employees mercilessly, pay no overtime or benefits, and occasionally beat people in my factory when they screw up and cost me moola. I have been drinking heavily during the Super Bowl and am hammered right now. Can Scientology help me? I live in Los Angeles at (redacted).
A: Yes, Scientology can help you! In fact, we have already despatched a stretch limo full of Sea Org members to your home. Have a few more drinks and relax. Our car will be there shortly. Our Sea Org members will help you find your wallet, checkbook, and will assist you in packing a few suitcases you will need during your extended trip to Flag. Please sign any forms our Sea Org members place in front of you.
Q: I am a Hollywood movie star who made $150,000,000+ last year. Still, I do not feel like I get enough respect and adulation. I am insecure, needy, petulant, uneducated, and throw tantrums when everything is not perfect. I want the entire world to be about me and my feelings. Can Scientology help me? I live at (redacted).
A: Yes, Scientology can help you! In fact, we have already despatched a stretch limo full of Sea Org members to your home because we realize that you are absolutely the most important person who has ever lived or ever will live. Our Sea Org members will take you to a fantasy palace called the Celebrity Centre where our entire staff will be devoted to your every need and comfort 24 hours a day. Scientology auditors will lavish you with attention as they examine in microscopic detail all of your very precious and special feelings. You are truly the center of the universe and deserve to be adored. Scientology will treasure you, love you, and protect you as no one ever has.
Q: I am a gay man who is penniless and unemployed. I suffer from bouts of depression. Can Scientology help me?
Q: I am an lawyer who lives in Studio City. I own a large porn movie production business that has extensive online global distribution. I made over three hundred million dollars last year as your typical San Fernando Valley Porn King who has ties to multinational organized crime figures. Despite my success, I feel that my life is empty and meaningless. Can Scientology help me?
A: Please call (redacted) at the Celebrity Center and we will send a stretch limo over for you immediately. You are in grave danger unless we in Scientology intervene immediately on an emergency basis.
Q: I e-mailed you earlier. I am the gay man who is penniless and unemployed and suffers from bouts of depression. I just got a call that my wealthy aunt died and left me millions of dollars. Can Scientology help me deal with the sadness of my aunt’s sudden death? I live at (redacted).
A: We in the Church of Scientology have RPF’d that staff member who was so curt to you in your initial e-mail. We apologize and have already despatched a stretch limo full of Sea Org members to your home because we realize that you are absolutely the most important person who have ever lived or ever will live. Our Sea Org members will take you to a fantasy palace called the Celebrity Centre where our entire staff will be devoted to your every need and comfort 24 hours a day.
Q: My name is Grant Cardone and I am a New OTVIII. Can you please post that photo of me where I am pretending like I am being arrested?
A: Anything for you Grant!