We in the Church of Scientology had planned for months and had everything in place when our big multimillion dollar ad played during the big wog football game called the Super Bowl.
As predicted, our phone banks lit up like a midnight Subaru super sale spearheaded by New OTVIII Grant Cardone.
Millions of people called and e-mailed the the Church of Scientology in search of the answers to life.
Here is a sample of Super Bowl e-mails we received:
Q: I am wealthier than God because I break every possible law everyday in my manufacturing business and drink excessively. I work my sweat shop employees mercilessly, pay no overtime or benefits, and occasionally beat people in my factory when they screw up and cost me moola. I have been drinking heavily during the Super Bowl and am hammered right now. Can Scientology help me? I live in Los Angeles at (redacted).
A: Yes, Scientology can help you! In fact, we have already despatched a stretch limo full of Sea Org members to your home. Have a few more drinks and relax. Our car will be there shortly. Our Sea Org members will help you find your wallet, checkbook, and will assist you in packing a few suitcases you will need during your extended trip to Flag. Please sign any forms our Sea Org members place in front of you.
Q: I am a Hollywood movie star who made $150,000,000+ last year. Still, I do not feel like I get enough respect and adulation. I am insecure, needy, petulant, uneducated, and throw tantrums when everything is not perfect. I want the entire world to be about me and my feelings. Can Scientology help me? I live at (redacted).
A: Yes, Scientology can help you! In fact, we have already despatched a stretch limo full of Sea Org members to your home because we realize that you are absolutely the most important person who has ever lived or ever will live. Our Sea Org members will take you to a fantasy palace called the Celebrity Centre where our entire staff will be devoted to your every need and comfort 24 hours a day. Scientology auditors will lavish you with attention as they examine in microscopic detail all of your very precious and special feelings. You are truly the center of the universe and deserve to be adored. Scientology will treasure you, love you, and protect you as no one ever has.
Q: I am a gay man who is penniless and unemployed. I suffer from bouts of depression. Can Scientology help me?
Q: I am an lawyer who lives in Studio City. I own a large porn movie production business that has extensive online global distribution. I made over three hundred million dollars last year as your typical San Fernando Valley Porn King who has ties to multinational organized crime figures. Despite my success, I feel that my life is empty and meaningless. Can Scientology help me?
A: Please call (redacted) at the Celebrity Center and we will send a stretch limo over for you immediately. You are in grave danger unless we in Scientology intervene immediately on an emergency basis.
Q: I e-mailed you earlier. I am the gay man who is penniless and unemployed and suffers from bouts of depression. I just got a call that my wealthy aunt died and left me millions of dollars. Can Scientology help me deal with the sadness of my aunt’s sudden death? I live at (redacted).
A: We in the Church of Scientology have RPF’d that staff member who was so curt to you in your initial e-mail. We apologize and have already despatched a stretch limo full of Sea Org members to your home because we realize that you are absolutely the most important person who have ever lived or ever will live. Our Sea Org members will take you to a fantasy palace called the Celebrity Centre where our entire staff will be devoted to your every need and comfort 24 hours a day.
Q: My name is Grant Cardone and I am a New OTVIII. Can you please post that photo of me where I am pretending like I am being arrested?
A: Anything for you Grant!
Which one in the picture is Grant Cardone? The idiot with the stubble or the drag queen?
Those ads are going to greatly increase the sales of Wright’s book, as well as Anonymous’ membership.
@ John P: Grant is the idiot with the stubble and the cigar in his mouth holding a big wad of cash.
We in RTC took the big wad of cash and let Grant keep the cigar.
OT8, does the phrase “hail Mary pass” mean anything to you?
I must say, Mr. OT8, your adroitness quite slays me. TYVM
Say what you will about Grant Cardone, but that guy can rock the white belt and shoe combo like no other. Straight up and vertical theta.
COB says that Grant Cardone can pull off that “Old Scientology Jew” look better than even Izzy Chait — and that is saying something.
Here is Izzy singing while wearing his Clear bracelet. Izzy is so old he must Clear number 3 or 4 from way back in the Stone Age:
Note: We in RTC have been told that Izzy has one of the new Clear bracelets for “Senior OT’s.” This bracelet doubles as a life alert device. If Izzy falls and can’t get up, IAS regges rush to his side and will call the wog 911 emergency line after he has made a donation.
“Millions of people called and e-mailed the the Church”
The the Church? Study tech could help you with that.
NO KARIN POUW NO!
How dare you correct we in RTC when you darn well know that those SP Transcriptionists are at again!
It is just as well. Here it is 2013 and we need to reissue the Basics once again in their latest updated and corrected format. We have to pay for that Super Bowl ad somehow, and the Basics are always good for a few hundred million dollars.
That pink thing on the drag queen looks a lot like the mink pelts that COB uses instead of highly deluxe toilet paper:
Good to know the church is into recycling as part of its social betterment efforts. Someone washed those mink pelts before dyeing them pink, right?
We in RTC give very wealthy IAS Patrons who donate millions of dollars luxurious mink coats as gifts. They don’t need to know about the IAS Fur Recycling Unit okay?
Seriously, though, we in RTC laugh at them when they wear their big IAS Patron fur coats to Flag events and special briefings. If they only knew what “a gift straight from COB” really meant!
“a gift straight from COB” A punch in the face?
We in the Church categorically deny any and all accusations that David Miscavige hit, kicked, punched, chocked, slapped, or otherwise harmed anyone.
Jenna is criticizing you. Is she hiding crimes?
Q. We’re from the Westboro Baptist Church. Why do people pick on us?
A. Because they are all wogs who are insane and can’t see that gay-bashing is an enlightened policy taken from Dianetics (“extremely dangerous…should be quarantined”) and who believe lies that merchants of chaos flout, like “homosexuals are born that way”. But have no fear, we in Scientology salute you.