Tag Archives: celebrities

RTC Secret Memo: Celebrities

Actress Elisabeth Moss Joins Scientology’s Elite “Fuck You” Club

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has determined that celebrities pose too many risks to Scientology. Therefore, COB decrees the following:

1. Thanks to a generous $500,000,000 donation, the Celebrity Centre Int will be renamed The Bob Duggan Scientology Success in Life Centre. Only those Scientologists with an annual income of $3,000,000 USD or more are eligible to join the BDSSILC. The emphasis will be on success, money, IAS Patron Status, and not on celebrity or going up the, uhh, that thing, err, what’s it called? The Bridge to total, umm, something. Whatever it was the Founder was hobbyhorsing about all time with his complicated charts and scales and whatnot. We in RTC aren’t really into it because if you’re a major IAS Patron you’re automatically an OT8 so don’t worry about it.

2. Grant and Elena Cardone will chair the BDSSILC OT Committee.

3. Except for Tom Cruise and a few others, most of the existing Scientology celebrities are demoted to the status of PAC Base publics. None of them have done us any good. Tom Cruise will become a BDSSILC public.

4. Due to their creepy and embarrassing videos, Bodhi and Jenna Elfman are demoted to SFV publics and ordered to move to the Valley. They have lost their Hollywood/Los Feliz privileges for gross out ethics.

5. Elisabeth Moss flipping off the camera at the Emmys was too much for COB. Moss is being sec checked at Int Base for the next several months on her evil purposes to destroy Scientology.

6. Just as STAND has created fake stock photo Scientologists, the Church will create fake stock photo celebrity members. Stock photo Scientology celebrities pose no PR risks and will not escape and write books or do television shows. Our launch stock photo Scientology celebrity is Angelia Joolie:

The Church of Scientology is Fabulous and Huge!


“The global demand for Scientology is huge, just incredibly huge,” exclaimed Scientology Media Czar Ken Delusion. “Folks, Scientology is fabulous, just fabulous. We are a winning Church with beautiful people.”

“Let me be clear on Scientology’s huge results: COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige continues to open Ideal Orgs at a blistering pace of 33 per day. That is amazing. We now have 217,918 Ideal Orgs scattered across the fifteen continents and 3208 countries of the world. Even in Tanzania folks. Scientology is everywhere. We are even under your bed at night when you sleep.”

“Literally we are under your bed beaming waves into your mind at night while you sleep. And that is why Scientology doesn’t want you to take Psych drugs or NyQuil or drink alcohol before you go to bed at night as these drugs block our waves from reaching deeply into your mind.”

“We want you to be fabulous and huge just like the rest of us in Scientology. That can only happen if you cooperate and let Scientology into your mind. Once we are in your mind then *POW!* the magic happens! You become one of us!”

“And now a public service message:

David Miscavige Declares: Meteor Swarms Caused by SP Attacks on the Church of Scientology!

Speaking today from the Religious Technology Center Observatory in Commerce, California, COB RTC David Miscavige declared that the swarms of meteors savaging the Earth are caused by wogs attacking the Church of Scientology on a nonstop basis.


The powerful main telescope of the Religious Technology Center Observatory sets atop Bride Publications Inc., the world’s largest digital printing factory. Sea Org members use the telescope to spy on nearby buildings and homes to ensure that no SP’s are hovering around BPI.

COB emphasized that, “Scientology OT Committee Members are using attention beams to pull asteroids into the Earth’s atmosphere where they burn up and explode, this to warn wogs to cease and desist in their nonstop attacks on the Church of Scientology or else! Scientology’s lawyers were unable to stop the unrestrained evil purposes of these SP’s and so now we’re using meteors!,” exclaimed COB.

COB said that Scientology OT’s are here on Earth trying to help, particularly through the Church’s acclaimed social betterment programs such as Narconon, but that a special class of wogs, known as Suppressive Persons, hate it when anyone tries to help because they, as SP’s, are committed to destroying all forms of help ranging from simple courtesy to insanely attacking the miraculous Church of Scientology.”

COB David Miscavige warned that “natural signs and wonders” will intensify as Scientology OT’s focus their power on putting in Ethics on this planet. “All people will submit to the Church of Scientology,” COB pronounced, after which he ominously added, “And the attacks on me had better stop yesterday or I will pour down my Wrath on Earth just as I did on Psychiatry!

“Ridicule my good works one more time and I will use my Scientology powers of destruction to bring in the ‘Big One’ — a true killer meteor — to end cycle on this miserable prison planet,” COB concluded.


Wogs: Beware the wrath of the Church of Scientology!

In lighter news, a fashion show will be held at CC Int next week to raise money for a statue of Tom Cruise. If COB does not destroy this planet, the  statue of Cruise will be placed in the garden of St. Hill near the beautifully resplendent statue of COB RTC David Miscavige:


Scientology Project Celebrity 2013

In his latest OOD’s (Orders of the Day), Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige announced Scientology Project Celebrity 2013.

In the words of Fleet Admiral Miscavige, “The goal of Scientology Project Celebrity 2013 is to skillfully and craftily lure in vain, needy, and weak-minded celebrities into the Church of Scientology so that the Church may thereby be enriched both in terms of PR and money.”

The Fleet Admiral further declared that, “All manner of half-truths, lies, and other fraudulent inducements are acceptable in the pursuit of celebrities. They are Scientology’s quarry. We need their money and fame so go and get them!”

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has ordered Admiral Cruise to recruit new and better celebrities into the Church of Scientology.

As part of this project, the Fleet Admiral has assigned Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise a Celebrity Quota for 2013.

Except for Tom Cruise, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is, “Sick and tired of Scientology’s existing lousy, coddled, downstat, has been celebrities who are unwilling and unable to widely disseminate Scientology on a planetary basis.”

The Fleet Admiral’s Project Celebritry 2013 orders Admiral Cruise to recruit “new and better celebrities” for the Church of Scientology. Specifically, the following twenty-five celebrities top the list of celebrities that Admiral Cruise has been ordered to pursue and recruit into the Church of Scientology:

  1. Jennifer Lopez
  2. Oprah Winfrey
  3. Justin Bieber
  4. Rihanna
  5. Lady Gaga
  6. Britney Spears
  7. Kim Kardashian
  8. Katy Perry
  9. Steven Spielberg
  10. Taylor Swift
  11. Tiger Woods
  12. Angelina Jolie
  13. Donald Trump
  14. LeBron James
  15. Beyonce Knowles
  16. Rupert Murdoch
  17. Simon Cowell
  18. Rush Limbaugh
  19. Tyler Perry
  20. Paul McCartney
  21. Jennifer Aniston
  22. Glenn Beck
  23. Kobe Bryant
  24. Brad Pitt
  25. Gary Busey

If you are one of the celebrities on the list, please be aware that you will not be immune to the charms and blandishments of Tom Cruise nor of the Church of Scientology. We will find your ruin and then help you using all available means at our disposal.

Speaking to wog reporters from his office at the Celebrity Centre International in Hollywood, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion emphatically asserted that, “Scientology is a deadly serious activity. The entire agonized future of every man, woman, and child on Earth is at stake. Only by lying and denying and recruiting wealthy and powerful celebrities can we save the Church of Scientology in 2013. This is why Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s Project Celebrity 2013 is so vitally important.”

Delusion went on to note that, “The Church of Scientology’s aggressive affection and caring is sometimes mistaken for stalking or spying by those who do not understand what real caring means. All we want is for celebrities to join the Church of Scientology and to lead others into the Church of Scientology. We also want celebrities to care enough about Planetary Clearing to donate large sums of money to the IAS.”

In terms of lesser celebrities, Admiral Cruise has not given up on recruiting David and Victoria Beckham into the Church of Scientology. Admiral Tom Cruise has in fact loaned the Beckham’s his Grumman IV business jet, this because the Beckham’s are too poor and downstat to afford their own jet.

In related news, Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise’s global speech wherein he issued the Church’s Universal Denial of all charges and allegations against it, will be rebroadcast in each of the Church’s 21,182,659 Ideal Orgs beginning today.

All Scientologists are hereby ordered to watch Admiral Cruise’s speech seven times and then clay demo it. In doing so, every Scientologists will gain a reality on how important it is to “Lie and Deny” on behalf of the Church of Scientology.

Above: Sea Org Admiral Tom Cruise addresses the Scientology faithful in his highly acclaimed “Universal Denial” speech.