OSA Legal Checklist

Engagement and Billing
  1. Initial interview: Is the attorney or law firm connected to Psychiatry or Big Pharma? If so, then slap their faces and leave their offices immediately.
  2. Conflict check: Attorney or law firm must undergo an OSA metered sec check and have no thought crimes against COB RTC David Miscavige or the Church of Scientology.
  3. COB’s dog sniff test is mandatory.
  4. Standard v. alternative billing arrangements: Cash in $100 bills delivered by courier or free home and office remodeling done by the Sea Org.
  5. Retainer must be signed using an RTC burlwood pen.
Initial and Iterative Strategic Litigation Plan
  1. Master Litigation Plan: Any lawsuit in which the Church is engaged will last 10-25 years, so plan long term
  2. If the Church is being sued then ensure, at all costs, that COB is not named
  3. Factual investigation: Check all records, invent records where required
  4. Covert investigation: Hire PI’s to spy on whomever OSA Legal is suing
  5. OSA Harassment using throwaway OT’s. See OSA WUS Volunteer List
  6. Develop pleadings plan
  7. COB Micromanagement Phase
  8. Develop discovery plan, acceptable truths are acceptable
  9. Develop expert witness/consultant plan; use religious scholars, former DOJ experts, etc. who can be purchased.
  10. Intimidate hostile witnesses
  11. Drown the judge’s dog
  12. COB Micromanagement Phase
  1. Case evaluation to COB
  2. Settlement offer if whoever we are suing has been caved in and destroyed
  1. Motion to amend pleadings so that COB RTC is not named
  2. Ex parte talks to the judge to console him on the loss of his dog
  3. Get the other side’s case thrown out if possible
Motions Practice
  1. Motions plan, here we want at least 5,000 motions most of which will be frivilous
  2. Proposed orders, including an acknowledgment that Scientology is a religion
  3. Phone calls from COB telling us that our attorneys are stupid
  4. Motion for Change of Venue, ideally as far away as possible from our opponent
  5. Motion to Dismiss accompanied by a PR campaign showing that Scientology is the victim of baseless allegations made by biter defrocked apostates
  6. Motion to Strike everything in our opponent’s case
  7. Duck! COB just walked into the conference room
  8.  Motion for a More Definite Statement of the Claims, i.e. the Church must claim that it does not understand what the SP’s suing us are actually saying, i.e. Only criminals would attack the Church!
  9. Motion for Extension of Time – file at least 70-100 times
  10. Motion to Vacate Trial/Continue when COB leaves on vacation 12-18 times per year
  11. Motion to Compel our adversaries to be sec checked by OSA
  12. Motion for Summary Judgment (& Memorandum of Law) – a summary judgement granted is worth a $250K bonus from COB!
  13. Motion for Default Judgment
  1. Discovery plan, including a PI plan to spy on our legal adversaries
  2.  OSA Network Orders to be used against all SP’s!
  3. Initial disclosures
  4. Withholding of facts whenever possible
  5. Interrogatories (note: Do not accept Ray Jeffrey interrogatories)
  6. Taking depositions: Can Eliot Abelson look any worse than he does? Can we please get Eliot cosmetic surgery?
  7. Defending depositions, i.e. Fair Game against our opponents
  8. Deposition objections & disputes, i.e. more Fair Game
  9. Motion for In Camera Examination
  10. Trash digging examination
 Expert Witnesses
  1. Purchase the best experts who like money and don’t care for baseless allegations that Scientology is a dangerous cult.
  1. Trial plan is to never go to trial. Settle only if COB is jeopardized — and then write as big of a check as necessary from IAS Reserves. Otherwise go for a 20+ year trial and hope the other side dies or goes broke.

5 replies »

  1. Ot8isgrrr8, I never knew you were a lawyer! (Please don’t take that as an insult) You do understand the US legal system and how it is bought and run. You did forget “Motion to Compel our adversaries to be colonoscopied for anything we want.”


  2. “Motion to Compel our adversaries to be colonoscopied for anything we want.” And in latin, it’s a subpoena deuces tecum.


  3. Thank you for enlightening this lowly being!

    Great thinking to use Sea Org to remodle your house! With the rennovations one could refinance and take out another motgage! Donate the proceeds to IAS along with their tax return!


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