Church of Scientology “Swing Vote” to Decide US Presidential Election

The Church of Scientology has 92,870,446 US members, thus making Scientologists the largest and most powerful voting bloc in America. And so, with the US Presidential election at a virtual tie, those members in good standing of the Church of Scientology have become the crucial swing vote in deciding who the next President will be.

As the Wall Street Journal made clear in its headline today, the Scientology vote hinges on the candidates supporting the Church of Scientology’s clarion call to make internet Hate Speech against the Scientology religion a crime.

The Church of Scientology has consistently demanded of political candidates that strict new laws be passed imposing tough prison sentences on all Suppressive Persons, or SP’s, who engage in Joking and Degrading about the Church of Scientology, its leaders, and its leading names. Failure to comply with Church wishes has cost many politicians their political careers.

Recent national surveys and polls have consistently indicated that fully 96% of Americans support tough new laws to protect the Church of Scientology. Only the vicious “Hate Scientology First” crowd — a group that includes militant homosexuals, the ACLU, and the Psychs — oppose the Church of Scientology’s call to end Hate Speech online by outlawing entheta.

Scientology actress Anne Archer weighed in by declaring that, “We Scientologists have a Planet to Clear. The joking and degrading about the Church of Scientology online must end now and SP’s must be imprisoned so that we in Scientology can bring order to the scene. We in Scientology will make this planet sane by auditing society from three feet behind its head — but we can only do so if the jokers and degraders are silenced and incarcerated in Scientology religious prisons.”

“In our Scientology religious prisons,” Archer added, “SP’s will join Sea Org RPF’ers and finally learn to do something productive such as making upstat furniture for our Ideal Orgs. Everyone wins when the SP’s are locked up!”

“Forget the so-called ‘tough economic questions,’ Fleet Admiral David Miscavige said today from the bridge of The Freewinds, “this election really comes down to the fact that Scientology needs to be protected from Hate Speech online. After all, the only good America is a Scientology America!”

5 replies »

  1. Just one last joke before the ban kicks in, I’ll channel my inner Shecky now:
    A body thetan walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, didn’t I just spend $10,000 to get rid of you?” That one will catch up to you in about an hour.
    Anyway, I guess we’re lucky Anne Archer “weighed” in on this subject rather than Kirstie Alley. That would have been a lot to deal with. I’ll quit now.


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