Public Warning: Beware of Unapproved E-Meters!

We in RTC are issuing a broad warning to all members of the public, concerned citizens, health care providers, attorneys general, police departments, and emergency rooms:

Beware of Unapproved E-Meters!

Due to the unprecedented straight up and vertical expansion of the Church of Scientology, there has been a 2.5% increase in squirrel and/or unapproved E-Meters offered for sale through criminal black market channels such as the internet or in dangerous back alleys located near our 235,815 Ideal Orgs.

The use of deadly squirrel E-Meters can cause irreparable harm to one’s case. The general public is warned to use only authentic silver-certed Church of Scientology approved E-Meters to prevent illness and death!

The OSA Internet Patrol Squadron (OSA IPS) recently tracked down and brought to justice a squirrel in Moldavia who was attempting to sell the squirrel E-Meter shown below over the internet for the sum of $2,000. This squirrel E-Meter was seized and destroyed by the RTC E-Meter Police (RTC EMP).

The use of deadly squirrel E-Meters can cause irreparable harm to one’s case. The general public is warned to use only authentic silver-certed Church of Scientology approved E-Meters to prevent illness and death!

Other examples of squirrel E-Meters that are illegal under Scientology Law include:

1. The deadly squirrel “Starlight” fake E-Meter is easily recognized by its use of cheap shiny plastic, a defective Chinese needle movement, and the fact that it is powered by the toxic radioactive isotope U-232. Dizziness, diarrhea, dyslexia, confusion, and hallucinations have been reported by the victims of this device whose lives were only saved by the special Flag Land Base Unapproved E-Meter Rescue Rundown (UEMRR).

The deadly squirrel “Starlight” fake E-Meter

2. The Q11 Vulcan  Meter with its garish golden plastic knobs and tinny cans is not only a fashion nightmare, it is extremely lethal as its unregulated current has been shown to turn on the Helatrobus Implant in >90% of persons who are foolish enough to use it. Again, the victims of the Q11 can be saved and cleaned up only by the Flag Land Base Unapproved E-Meter Rescue Rundown (UEMRR).

The Q11 Vulcan Meter: Shoddy construction = false reads = Death!

To keep yourself and your loved ones safe from the dangers that come from using unapproved squirrel E-Meters, we in RTC remind one and all that only E-Meters designed and built to Church of Scientology specifications are safe for use — and only then in an RTC approved Church of Scientology!

We in RTC conclude by issuing a “friendly reminder” to the public that the possession, sale, or use of any unapproved E-Meter is a Class A Felony punishable by incarceration in a Scientology religious prison for a term of fifty years to life. Pictured below is a black market E-Meter dealer who was hunted down and arrested just last week by the RTC E-Meter Police for trafficking in unapproved E-Meters:

The RTC E-Meter Police arrest an SP for trafficking in unapproved E-Meters. The public is ordered to write up KR’s on any known or suspected black market activity in unapproved E-Meters.

10 responses to “Public Warning: Beware of Unapproved E-Meters!

  1. Oh thank you so much for this helpful information. Can I bring in my squirrel e-meter to you for instant destruction? Would you consider these SP meters too? Cause that’s what’s printed on one of mine. My boyfriend kept trying to shove a can up my butt and said it was salty and was good for me. Do I need an appointment?


  2. Yes, please bring your squirrel E-Meter in to your nearest RTC Unapproved E-Meter Destruction Facility

    You do not need an appointment during regular business hours.

    And your boyfriend: Whatever he is doing to you is certainly not auditing!



    • Once again, you in RTC go for way more technology than is needed. A YouTube video showing disassembly of the older 1980s vintage Mark VI reveals the circuitry and assembly techniques to be consistent with what geeks hanging out at the local Radio Shack in the late 1940s were capable of.

      Given the neo-Baroque technology inside the e-meter, one could (perhaps should) use technology of a similar era to assure destruction of these rogue units, rather than the Rube Goldberg-esque contraption shown in your illustration. We in Global Capitalism HQ, in our ceaseless quest to make enterprises of all stripes more cost efficient, suggest that you use this:


  3. I’m looking at the Q11 Vulcan and getting an erection. I can’t explain it.


  4. These squirrel emeters are dangerous because, unlike Co$ emeters, some of them actually work.


  5. OT8, what type of emeters do Indies use?


  6. My genitals are floating on the Q11. I’d rather see them rise.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s