Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Announces a Major OSA Intel Victory!

Speaking today from the Washington D.C. headquarters of the Church of Scientology, Sea Org Fleet Admiral David Miscavige spoke to the media following his confidential briefing to President Obama about a highly successful OSA intelligence Operation designed to stop the global threat of Independent Scientology.

“The Office of Special Affairs spent over four hundred million dollars, employed several hundred agents on five continents, and spent many years in a Top Secret mission to accomplish this very highly successful Intelligence action. OSA also had to gangpress into service several murky operatives whose pc folder contents were used against them in a highly successful form of psychological waterboarding,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige stated to the assembled reporters.

“In this very dangerous Intel Op,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige stated, “our OSA assets went into harm’s way to protect the Western world from the threat posed by Independent Scientology because… we in RTC know that only auditing done in the Church is safe. We do not want our 4.2 billion parishioners harmed or injured by rogues using the Tech outside of RTC-approved Ideal Orgs.”

“What OSA accomplished,” the Fleet Admiral said, “was extremely dangerous. OSA, in fact, has done what was thought impossible even by the CIA… for OSA succeeded in penetrating a private Facebook group!

The assembled D.C. media — a cadre of hardened veteran journalists — audibly gasped in shock, for never in the history of world class Intelligence gathering has anyone ever successfully pretended to be a friend in order to penetrate the ultra-secret and ultra-secure world of private Facebook groups.

“OSA showed the Western Intelligence community that it can actually do even better work than the CIA and the Mossad,” President Obama said at a Rose Garden ceremony in which Fleet Admiral David Miscavige was awarded his fifth Congressional Medal of Honor for, “Once again singlehandely saving America from various threats.”

President Obama awards Fleet Admiral David Miscavige a fifth Medal of Honor for once again saving America from various threats. Miscavige’s last Medal of Honor was awarded was for using the Tech to lead Seal Team Six to Osama bin Laden’s secret lair.

Immediately after the award ceremony, President Obama authorized emergency funding of three billion dollars to fund a contract whereby a Scientology-controlled WISE corporation will teach the CIA the techniques it used to penetrate the private Indie Facebook group. “The CIA needs the OSA Tech of how to spy on private Facebook groups,” admitted CIA Director David Petraeus in a statement released by his office.

“We were absolutely shocked that OSA Intelligence agents were able to get past the 1024-bit encryption algorithm of our private Facebook groups,” commented Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Facebook will now be forced to spend several billion dollars on enhanced cyber-security given the fact that OSA’s multi-billion dollar world-class intelligence operation has proven that it can crack into private Facebook groups.”

At the close of trading today, Facebook shares had dropped 53% on the news that its private groups are not safe from OSA. The situation deteriorated further when The Onion broke the news that Facebook was actually a covert CIA operation.

12 responses to “Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Announces a Major OSA Intel Victory!

  1. I think this is going to cost Obama the election.

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  2. Well I guess OSA is good for something you fart arse.

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  3. Thanks for the Onion link. That was so hilarious, I had to share it with my friends on … Oh no!

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  4. Everyone knows that there is only one Overlord ‘Xenu (or maybe Xemu)’. How dare Zukerberg claim that title! I hereby link to a secret OSA training session…..

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  5. It is but a short step from the brilliant OSA computer hacking demonstrated here to the brilliant computer system envisioned by noted computer scientist L. Ron Hubbard, which was successfully implemented by “The Duke of Chug.” (I thought at first that “The Duke of Chug” was the nickname for some Texan fraternity brother who held the record for guzzling a 40-ounce bottle of Olde English 800 malt liquor, but subsequent research revealed it to be one of Hubbard’s forays into computer technology.)

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    • The Duke of Chug was a brilliant computer program that put standard ethics into the Church of Scientology and paved the way for then Captain David Miscavige to ensure that any Scientologists or Orgs that were not complying with orders were instantly handled.

      The Duke of Chug was later widely licensed to IBM, Microsoft, the New York Stock Exchange, the Pentagon, the UN, and many other corporations and governmental bodies to ensure compliance with orders and statistics management.

      The Duke of Chug is now the global standard for management. Operated from Church of Scientology data centers, the Duke of Chug is the Sea Org’s Infinite Guarantee to each and every one that the world will continue to run properly.

      Scientology Technology are Your Guarantee of the Future

      Scientology Computers: Your Guarantee of the Future!

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  6. While we are on the subject of Facebook, please oh please, what sayeth the great OT8 about this bitch fight? http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?29123-Steve-Hall-s-post-on-closed-Indy-Facebook-group

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    • Moxonmoxoff: The OSA intelligence coup to which we are referring – namely OSA’s conquest of Facebook — is the exact same one the SP’s at ESMB are squawking about like a bunch of ducks.

      The nerve of those low rent SP’s!

      OSA does all the work and ESMB takes all the credit!

      It is totally out exchange for ESMBaberees to blather on for hundreds of pages about an OSA Intel coup and not give the Church of Scientology anything in exchange.

      We in RTC are therefore sending the twelve or thirteen members of ESMB — and they are all bitter defrocked apostates — a Freeloader Bill for $2,252,986.71 each.

      We are also declaring all members of ESMB to be SP3, i.e. SP cubed. This is 9x worse than a normal SP and so they can never receive any auditing in any Ideal Org in any universe.

      They may, however, do A-E in Canada.

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    • Those are fightn’ words, let the battle begin….

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  7. Is that a joke…or is that David Miscavige? If it is him, he’s had some ***serious*** plastic surgery.
    If it isn’t…………..that is FUNNY! 🙂

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