Speaking today from the Washington D.C. headquarters of the Church of Scientology, Sea Org Fleet Admiral David Miscavige spoke to the media following his confidential briefing to President Obama about a highly successful OSA intelligence Operation designed to stop the global threat of Independent Scientology.
“The Office of Special Affairs spent over four hundred million dollars, employed several hundred agents on five continents, and spent many years in a Top Secret mission to accomplish this very highly successful Intelligence action. OSA also had to gangpress into service several murky operatives whose pc folder contents were used against them in a highly successful form of psychological waterboarding,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige stated to the assembled reporters.
“In this very dangerous Intel Op,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige stated, “our OSA assets went into harm’s way to protect the Western world from the threat posed by Independent Scientology because… we in RTC know that only auditing done in the Church is safe. We do not want our 4.2 billion parishioners harmed or injured by rogues using the Tech outside of RTC-approved Ideal Orgs.”
“What OSA accomplished,” the Fleet Admiral said, “was extremely dangerous. OSA, in fact, has done what was thought impossible even by the CIA… for OSA succeeded in penetrating a private Facebook group!”
The assembled D.C. media — a cadre of hardened veteran journalists — audibly gasped in shock, for never in the history of world class Intelligence gathering has anyone ever successfully pretended to be a friend in order to penetrate the ultra-secret and ultra-secure world of private Facebook groups.
“OSA showed the Western Intelligence community that it can actually do even better work than the CIA and the Mossad,” President Obama said at a Rose Garden ceremony in which Fleet Admiral David Miscavige was awarded his fifth Congressional Medal of Honor for, “Once again singlehandely saving America from various threats.”
Immediately after the award ceremony, President Obama authorized emergency funding of three billion dollars to fund a contract whereby a Scientology-controlled WISE corporation will teach the CIA the techniques it used to penetrate the private Indie Facebook group. “The CIA needs the OSA Tech of how to spy on private Facebook groups,” admitted CIA Director David Petraeus in a statement released by his office.
“We were absolutely shocked that OSA Intelligence agents were able to get past the 1024-bit encryption algorithm of our private Facebook groups,” commented Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Facebook will now be forced to spend several billion dollars on enhanced cyber-security given the fact that OSA’s multi-billion dollar world-class intelligence operation has proven that it can crack into private Facebook groups.”
At the close of trading today, Facebook shares had dropped 53% on the news that its private groups are not safe from OSA. The situation deteriorated further when The Onion broke the news that Facebook was actually a covert CIA operation.