Public Notice: Church of Scientology to Outlaw the Internet

Pope David Miscavige, Grand Exalted Leader of the Church of Scientology

Pope David Miscavige, Grand Exalted Leader of the Church of Scientology

Scientology Pope David Miscavige today announced that the Church of Scientology, “Is taking the serious and necessary action of outlawing the internet in order to protect Scientology and all other religions from further irreparable harm and attack.”

Citing a long list of persons and groups that have attacked the Church online — particularly Marty Rathbun,  Mike Rinder, and Tony Ortega — Pope Miscavige declared the internet, “A hate-filled  playground used to peddle drugs, pornography, and penis enlargement devices that do not work.”

“But most especially,” his Holiness emphasized, “the internet is used by pharmaceutical companies to spread wild-eyed stories about beatings, fraud, abuse, and lies in the Church of Scientology.”

In an act of Scientology mercy, Mr. Miscavige is giving the public six months to purchase typewriters, fax machines, and other pre-internet technologies that will allow individuals, groups, and businesses to transition off the internet.

Asked for a response to the outlawing of the internet by Scientology, Google CEO Larry Page candidly admitted, “The Church of Scientology is correct in stopping the madness. I guess we at Google got really carried away and never stopped to realize how awful the internet really is. We at Google were shocked to see how our efforts only empowered pornography and religious hatred.”

Google’s Eric Schmidt issued a statement saying, “Google will start disbanding tomorrow and laying off our 54,000 employees. We need to dissolve Google and the entire internet itself to protect Scientology and all other religions. People need to wake up and stop pretending that the internet was ever something other than a smut-peddling, hate-creating machine that harmed people and destroyed family values.”

23 responses to “Public Notice: Church of Scientology to Outlaw the Internet

  1. poisonivyherself

    “In an act of Scientology mercy, Mr. Miscavige is giving the public until the end of 2013 to purchase typewriters, fax machines, and other pre-internet technologies that will allow individuals, groups, and businesses to transition off the internet.”

    COB is truly a great ecclesiastical leader. I have some old IBM selectrics I can offer to Scientology at a reasonable mark-up.

    Like

  2. Fortunately, we in Global Capitalism HQ are quite well positioned in case you’re able to pull this one off. We are investors in the private equity fund that purchased Smith-Corona, the old typewriter manufacturer. Smith-Corona also purchased the famous Marchant electro-mechanical calculator company, which was the last word in office computing equipment until Mr. Jack Kilby ofT Texas Instruments invented the integrated circuit in 1959. So our little investment in a fabled office equipment name from the past could soar if you guys can actually shut down the Internet. So even though we own a couple billion in Google and Facebook stock, we’re hedged nicely and will profit handsomely when Smith-Corona again goes public.

    Like

    • This position sounds suspiciously like “inside information” that could only have come from a Thetan who had this knowingness………..hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

      Like

      • Sorry, it’s only hard work and thought… given that we have over $10 billion invested in computer and technology stuff that either directly or indirectly depends on the success of the Internet, we always want to have some exposure to something that might cause the Internet to tank. We’re still trying to track down whether there are any patents still in force on teletype machines and fax equipment, and then we’ll throw some money into anyone who holds the intellectual property there. We’re also engaged in figuring out who the current market leader in steam engine technology might be, in case people decide they don’t really think this electricity thing works real well for them.

        Like

      • In a scotch-fueled discussion at Int Base, COB RTC David Miscavige heatedly declared to his inner circle that, “The internet is going down faster than a $10 crack whore in a Texas brothel!”

        We in RTC quite agree.

        COB was farsighted in his outlawing of the internet and has invested $25,000,000 in SOR (Sea Org Reserves) to fund a global typewriter and electromechanical business machine repair franchise operation.

        The company will be called:

        Held Down 7 Business Machine Repair Services LLC.

        12,789 Farsighted OT’s have already paid $2,000,000 for Held Down 7 franchises across the world, so yes we in Scientology are working to corner the market in electromechanical business machine repair franchise operation.

        As the internet is dissolved and disappears, people will clamor for Scientology services because their will be no internet to provide distractions. People will be up against their Reactive Mind with no buffers.

        All of this is part of a larger plan whereby Scientology to achieve global domination.

        Like

    • “The internet is going down faster than a $10 crack whore in a Texas brothel!”

      My kids want to know why I just spat coffee down my front

      ROTFLMFAO

      Like

  3. Calvin B. Duffield

    John P. Capitalist,
    Your investment portfolio includes looking at patents?
    Well, seeing the “Church of $cientology is in the most
    fortunate “hands” on the planet, those of the ecclesiastic
    genius of the most successful cutting-edge “Mind-Control”
    methodologies EVER to be used to fleece BILLIONS from
    his “parishioners” One David Miscavige, who was lovingly
    handed the reigns of Scientology, by L.Ron Hubbard,
    who left the scene in 1986 to carry on research on upper
    levels of awareness, has let it slip!

    He’s ready to talk !!
    ( he actually never stops, judging by the throng of aides, faithfully recording his every word, just every waking moment of the day!)

    Word has it, that he is looking to inter-galactic patent
    protection for his astounding “Sheeple manufacturing
    technology.” aka DM SUCKS (David’s Manufacture (of)
    Slaves Until Crowned King (of) Scientology )

    Investors welcome.

    Contact COB. Immediately! Your ETERNITY is in his hands!

    Like

  4. OT8, we wogs are a step ahead of you. A simple implant now lets everyone see and hear all the info on the net, as well as send email. This is, after all, how Christianity was created.

    Like

  5. i wish you could use that witty fast brain to do more than live in sarcasm land,either shit in the pot or get off..cmon??????

    Like

  6. Oh great, this doesn’t sound like it’s going to bode well for my Mouse Table Project investment.

    Like

  7. PreferToBeAnon2

    Will Brousseau be able to knock out burlwood pens for the planet?

    Like

  8. VirtualWackoTexas?

    Really? From Charles Manson to Geoffrey Dommer to Timothy McVay how much more of these can we take, only now these guys have entire herds (not flocks, herds like cows) following and they wear nice cologne and ties and armanie suits and sit in pulpits? It’s still suppression, I still feel like a hostage. You don’t negotiate with terrorists or bank robbers! Didn’t you learn anything from those movies? They weren’t all metaphors!

    Like

  9. SuppresiveChihuahua

    Ortega, makes GREAT salsa and taco shells!!! Oh yeah! How dare he! Terribly suppresive “munch, munch, munch”

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s