Scientology Pope David Miscavige today announced that the Church of Scientology, “Is taking the serious and necessary action of outlawing the internet in order to protect Scientology and all other religions from further irreparable harm and attack.”
Citing a long list of persons and groups that have attacked the Church online — particularly Marty Rathbun, Mike Rinder, and Tony Ortega — Pope Miscavige declared the internet, “A hate-filled playground used to peddle drugs, pornography, and penis enlargement devices that do not work.”
“But most especially,” his Holiness emphasized, “the internet is used by pharmaceutical companies to spread wild-eyed stories about beatings, fraud, abuse, and lies in the Church of Scientology.”
In an act of Scientology mercy, Mr. Miscavige is giving the public six months to purchase typewriters, fax machines, and other pre-internet technologies that will allow individuals, groups, and businesses to transition off the internet.
Asked for a response to the outlawing of the internet by Scientology, Google CEO Larry Page candidly admitted, “The Church of Scientology is correct in stopping the madness. I guess we at Google got really carried away and never stopped to realize how awful the internet really is. We at Google were shocked to see how our efforts only empowered pornography and religious hatred.”
Google’s Eric Schmidt issued a statement saying, “Google will start disbanding tomorrow and laying off our 54,000 employees. We need to dissolve Google and the entire internet itself to protect Scientology and all other religions. People need to wake up and stop pretending that the internet was ever something other than a smut-peddling, hate-creating machine that harmed people and destroyed family values.”