We in RTC receive far too many Knowledge Reports from lonely single Scientologists whining about just how bad the dating scene is for them out there. It seems that it is very hard for Scientologists to find that perfect 2D.
In order to help — because we are the only ones who can help — we in RTC will periodically post photos and descriptions from Scientology singles here on this blog. All of these singles have been pre-screened by we in RTC right down to their very critical incisor teeth dimensions.
We have further sec-checked them on the meter to ensure that they have no Evil Purposes or hidden crimes.
Our first Scientologist looking for a 2D is Eugene. He is 22 years old and is a Clear. Being free of his Reactive Mind, Eugene computes rationally across all dynamics and his Ethics are fully in.
Eugene lives with his OT parents in Glendale, California. His parents are wealthy Patron Titaniums and have asked we in RTC to help them offload their son find their son an attractive young Scientology woman for romance.
A Delphi graduate, Eugene works as a freelance consultant in the computer industry. He loves video games, Cheetos, McDonalds, Star Wars, and looking for 1990’s era video games online. Due to his case restim — for which he is receiving auditing — Dwayne prefers never to leave his home and go outdoors. Additionally, Eugene caustively chooses not to own or a car or have a drivers license.
Eugene is also working in session to handle his bed-wetting.
The lucky woman who hooks up with Eugene is 100% personally guaranteed by we in RTC that he will never be recruited by the Sea Org, so you’re safe there.
We give you Eugene:
I think his parents are gonna have a hard time offloading him. I hope they are prepared to support him for the rest of his life…wait…did you mention they are wealthy?? hmmmmm…I’ll adopt him if they are willing to pay me!?! He’d go great with my son……..
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Look, here’s the way it is: Eugene’s parents want him out of the house. He comes with a $22,500 a month trust fund + a 4 bedroom/2 bath home in Glendale that Eugene owns free and clear. It’s all yours after you marry Eugene. And don’t forget: We in RTC get 15% of the money every month for being the FSM on this marriage. Of course, there is a prenup so you have to stay married to keep the money,
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I’ll think about it and get back to you…..
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$19,125 per month, and he’ll keep my teenage son company with the video games and computer whatnots? Wowza!
Just a few questions, OTVIII: first of all, is he housebroken? More importantly, does he take training? Has he had his shots? Is he de-wormed? Beyond a toilet, an aging iMac, and an assemble-it-yourself bunkbed — what else does he require for a realistic habitat/enclosure? A mini-fridge? A futon or beanbag? A vending machine dispensing chips, energy drinks, and Axe body spray?
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Chocolate Velvet, if it were as simple as finding a nanny for Eugene, then we in RTC could have palmed him off onto somebody a long time ago. Not to be indelicate, but any woman who marries Eugene actually has to sleep with him as part of wearing their wife hat. Moreover:
* Eugene has terrible personal hygiene
* Eugene blathers on about how he is a Jedi knight and will want to take that whole Star Wars thing into the bedroom with you
* Eugene is flatulent in a way that even auditing will not handle
While we in RTC denounce psychiatric labels, we are tempted to make an exception in Eugene’s case and write him off as bipolar with ADHD.
So no, if you want the money you have to be a wife and not a nanny. Oh and by the way you have to take care of Eugene’s grandmother who is on parole:
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Uh oh! What did Granny do?
Hmmmm. Upon further consideration, OTVIII, I wish you good luck and bid you good day…
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Grrr! Yet another failure to find Eugene a wife. We in RTC are therefore classifying Eugene a Potato:
Problem OT: Aberrated Thetan Onboard
Eugene now joins the ranks of other Scientology Potato’s:
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Comment to Eugene. Just stay the way you are. You got everything you need. Your parents will be proud.
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Our next Scientology Single is Brenda in Clearwater. Like Eugene, Brenda’s parents are wealthy OT’s who have turned to we in RTC to
offload their daughterhelp them find a respectable Scientology man for their daughter to date and marry this lifetime.Brenda is fortyish, has never been married, and is fairly frantic about it. She works for her father’s WISE debt collection company as a debt collector. Her stats are in screaming affluence. A country girl at heart, Brenda enjoys bowling, buffets, and collecting recipes. Brenda also lives with her OT parents.
Brenda is on SOLO NOT’s at and so it is important for her to eat regularly in order to stay sessionable. Brenda is looking for a Scientology man who is also on SOLO NOT’s and who likewise enjoys eating in order to stay sessionable. It is obvious that Brenda aspires to lead the sessionable life — a laudable goal for any Scientologist at Flag!
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Are you sure that’s Brenda? Looks a little like Kirstie Alley…… before she lost weight, of course.
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No, we in RTC can tell you that it’s not Kirsti. What you’re seeing is just the frantic OT eating that happens in the Church of Scientology
OT’s have to stay sessionable and so they have to eat. And OT’s have to keep their eligibility to stay on the level, so they get frantic about losing it if they don’t donate enough to the IAS and do enough OT Committee work for the Church. Hence, frantic OT eating tends to bulk up many of our parishioners. They look as fat and happy as the folks over at Landover Baptist Church.
Kirsti Alley is back up to 200 pounds but she is still rehearsing for Dancing With the Stars. At 61 years old, Kirsti shows that OT are at cause over MEST:
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Damn, Kirsti Alley looks good for 106 you say?
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All OTs look alike.
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What happened to the first Brenda? Did you find her a hubby already?
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Yes, we found her a husband who loves to eat cake as well. Brenda Number One’s new Scientologist boyfriend is Diego, an OT V from San Francisco who also enjoys leading the sessionable life:
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Can’t. Stop. Laughing. [gasp!]
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Reblogged this on 31 Factors.
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Love the new background for Diamond Dave! I’ll take the Maker’s Mark . . .
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Love the new background for Diamond Dave! I’ll have the Maker’s Mark with a side of grape kool-aid please.
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Late one night at the Officer’s Lounge at Int Base, COB was in his cups and screamed that he hated his life and should have been a bartender. He then punched a hole in the wall, stormed out, and turned a water hose on those RPF’ers who were sleeping on the grass.
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Most people would prefer someone with a sense of humor.
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