Scientology Leader Orders Global Disconnection on August 15, 2017

“COB RTC has issued a global disconnection order for Tuesday August 15, 2017,” announced Church spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion. “All Scientologists globally are ordered to disconnect from WiFi, cable, satellite dishes and all types of antennae capable of receiving the television show Scientology and the Aftermath. 

“Scientologists are further ordered to unplug and store all devices capable of receiving broadcast signal. This includes computers, cell phones, tablets, televisions, radios, and all electronic gizmos, doodads, gimcracks, gee gaws, thingamabobs, thingamajigs, whatchamacallits, gadgets, idiot boxes, or any other widgets or contraptions capable of conducting electrons and emitting sound or visio. This is a total ban on all electron-powered doohickeys. There is to be no cheating upon pain of death.”

“Any Scientologist caught watching Leah or even ‘sneaking a peek’ this coming Tuesday August 15th will be dealt with by use of ecclesiastical thumbscrews, the rack, and so forth and so on. As Marcellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction, COB says to all Scientologists, ‘I’m going to go medieval on your ass!’ This is your last and final warning to not watch Scientology and the Aftermath!” Delusion darkly intoned after which he pronounced dire Black Scientology voodoo curses upon the Psychs, the ASC, Henry Kissinger, and a long list of other SP’s who bedevil Scientology and all that is holy.

6 responses to “Scientology Leader Orders Global Disconnection on August 15, 2017

  1. When questioned as to how devout Scientologists would be able to tune into the new SuMP Global Media Network to learn of the success of the planetary clearance campaign, the Reverend Delusion said that an advanced Telex system would soon be implemented for all IAS members in good standing, on payment of a fixed voluntary donation, to receive regular briefings.

    “Scientologists will no longer be distracted by constant entheta from psyches and other off-worlders once they free themselves from the evils of telephones and computers.” he concluded.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only thing that scientologists should disconnect from is the criminal cult of scientology.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m good to go. Both of my gimcracks and gee gaws just went tits up anyway so I am fully disconnected from the world, as any Scientologist should be. My connection with reality and Source is through my trusty Telex.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In lieu of watching ‘Scientology and the Aftermath,’ I believe every Scientologist should purchase a new copy of ‘Battlefield Earth’ and write a 47 page book report with a No. 2 pencil on college ruled notebook paper. Those book reports should then be mailed to Galaxy Press with a $10,000 donation to the IAS enclosed. Those paying with Krugerrands, please apply extra postage for the additional weight.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this satire site. Keep them coming Jeffrey.

    Liked by 1 person

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