“”There has never been a better time to call yourself a Scientologist!” enthused Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Indeed, fully monumental and wholly epic proof of the miracles awaiting Scientologists on OT IX and OT X is here!” exulted Delusion. “Next week COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige will unveil the miraculous thetanic Shroud of Tom Cruise in a sacred ceremony at Flag Land Base!”
“The Shroud of Tom Cruise is the perfect
homoerotic companion piece to the golden statue of Mr. David Miscavige at St. Hill,” gushed Delusion.
“These two distinctive Scientology reliquaries aesthetically harmonize with Scientology tasteful IAS trophies — particularly the one recently awarded to Big Pharma Kingpin and OT Bob Duggan and his lovely wife Trish.”
“Of course Scientology’s aesthetic has always been a marvel; what other religion can possibly compete with the radiant effluvia of our stage sets?”
“And not to get too far ahead of things,” Delusion said giddily, “but the BIG BIG BIG FUNDRAISE for the new and splendiforous statue of the Founder begins now! This magnificent statue will be erected in Hollywood and placed at the old KCET building next to the 101 freeway where millions of drivers will see it daily. At night the statue will be bathed in 1,000,000 watt strobe lights; this to create a pulsating and hypnotic implanting effect on the general populace that will literally suck them into Scientology Ideal Orgs!”