The Shroud of Tom Cruise: The Proof of OTIX and OTX is Here!

Artist: Daniel Edwards                                       Cory Allen Contemporary Art

“”There has never been a better time to call yourself a Scientologist!” enthused Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Indeed, fully monumental and wholly epic proof of the miracles awaiting Scientologists on OT IX and OT X is here!” exulted Delusion. “Next week COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige will unveil the miraculous  thetanic Shroud of Tom Cruise in a sacred ceremony at Flag Land Base!”

“The Shroud of Tom Cruise is the perfect homoerotic companion piece to the golden statue of Mr. David Miscavige at St. Hill,” gushed Delusion.

“These two distinctive Scientology reliquaries aesthetically harmonize with Scientology tasteful IAS trophies — particularly the one recently awarded to Big Pharma Kingpin and OT Bob Duggan and his lovely wife Trish.”

“Of course Scientology’s aesthetic has always been a marvel; what other religion can possibly compete with the radiant effluvia of our stage sets?”


“And not to get too far ahead of things,” Delusion said giddily, “but the BIG BIG BIG FUNDRAISE for the new and splendiforous statue of the Founder begins now! This magnificent statue will be erected in Hollywood and placed at the old KCET building next to the 101 freeway where millions of drivers will see it daily. At night the statue will be bathed in 1,000,000 watt strobe lights; this to create a pulsating and hypnotic implanting effect on the general populace that will literally suck them into Scientology Ideal Orgs!”


8 replies »

  1. Another Scientology miracle! How does he keep his balance? i guess thats where being a Big Being comes in handy…You just know Miscavige had one made for each room in his compound, and everyone is expected to salute! Except for the dog. He just pees on it.


  2. He Bob Duggan, how’s the kids? Bet they’re getting taller than David Miscavige by now. Still kinda hard to tell when you don’t raise them yourself in the same country. Oh well, what’s another Scientology childhood? See, I made a funny. Putting childhood and scientology in the same sentence. Wonder why you did not get a parent of the year award from Miscavige?


    • @Sarah, I don’t think parent of the year is awarded unless all children 10 and older have signed their billion year contracts (after, of course donating every penny of that *college fund* to the IAS.


  3. Thetanic, reliquaries, aesthetically, effluvia, splendiferous, pulsating and hypnotic – WOW – these are big words for Big Beings. Did Dan Sherman write this? Just kidding Ken, but really you have come a long way when it comes to melodious pontification. You truly are nipping at Dan Sherman’s heels.


  4. In a rare joint press release, all three of Tom Cruise’s ex-wives clearly recall Tom with the Scientology cross. Beyond that, nothing else appears real. One ex-girlfriend said that Tommy Davis is a bigger dick than Tom Cruise but that’s neither here nor there.


    • “Tom with the Scientology cross”. His miracle birth, with those attributes, is OT IX. OT X explains how he is also the reincarnation of Buddha, Christ, and other prophets.


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