New and Easier “Sec Checks Lite” Feature 50% Less Brutality!

CDM.10“Captain David Miscavige is inviting you to drop by your nearest Ideal Org to experience the new Sec Check Lite!” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Designed by RTC to handle your crimes against Captain Miscavige and the Church, the new Sec Check Lite  will get you back flying on the Bridge in no time!”

“Sec Check Lite skips the interrogation of your wholetrack crimes and zeroes in on your present time crimes:

  • Have you been reading entheta online?
  • Are you connected to SP’s?
  • What hidden stashes of money are you withholding from the IAS?
  • Where is the global headquarters of Anonymous located?
  • Why have you been making Captain Miscavige wrong for your failures?
  • Why do you hate the Ideal Org program?
  • Why do you refuse to answer the phone when your Org calls you?
  • Have you destroyed a planet or a civilization this lifetime?
  • Did you go past a word you didn’t understand?
  • Why didn’t you attend the last costume fundraiser at your Org?
  • Did you go exterior with no perceptions?
  • Have you secretly sabotaged Scientology organizations?
  • Were you sent in by the Psychs?
  • Who is paying you?

“As you can see,” Delusion exclaimed, “the new Sec Check Lite is a piece of cake compared to the old sec checks! Come into today, get cleaned up, and get back to winning in life!”

14 responses to “New and Easier “Sec Checks Lite” Feature 50% Less Brutality!

  1. Sec Checks Lite…50% less brutal and a piece of cake. I’m assuming they cost 50% more to cover cake tech. Right????

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    • “The new GAT II Sec Check Lite sec checks will cost significantly more money than the old sec checks,” replied Church spokesman Ken Delusion in response to a question by a thoughtful OT gorilla in the audience.

      “Factually,” Delusion emphasized, “you can’t put a price on TRUTH except we in the Church of Scientology can and do each and every day because someone must. Our technology allows us to do such things as put a price on engrams and other crimes.”

      “People must be made to pay for their crimes and we in the Church of Scientology are here to collect their money.”

      “As a general rule, an ordinary engram costs, on average, $12,500 to handle. Your typical homo sap raw meat wog usually has hundreds of thousands or millions of engrams. This is why auditing always inevitably adds up to great big sums of money. Such is the price of unenturbulating enturbulated theta.”

      “And then of course there are IAS statuses to be purchased.”

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  2. And the surprise final question…

    What are your ties to Alex Gibney and HBO?

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    • Yes, the hidden SP’s will never see that final “trick question” about Alex Gibney and HBO coming! *POW!* We catch them and the attacks stop.

      The real secret of Universe Corps Star Fleet Commander Admiral Miscavige’s new GAT II Sec Check Lite ethics handling is to stop SP’s dead in their tracks and thereby end the attacks.

      Once the attacks stop things will get better.

      The future of the Church of Scientology is bright and full of cotton candy theta!

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  3. This is welcome news and successfully portends a new, kinder and gentler image of the Church under the wise stewardship of Universe Corps Star Fleet Commander, Admiral Miscavige.

    No more embarrassing questions about committing incest and raping babies or doll bodies in past or present lifetimes which always caused parishioners to secretly try to fool the e-meter in order to hide their crimes.

    Now such intrusive and irrelevant questions will no longer stall one’s freedom to march confidently across the Bridge to Total Freedom.

    Only a seriously degraded being could possibly fail the new Sec Checks.

    Even if it costs a few dollars more, it is a worthwhile investment to ensure one’s eternity and to avoid being captured by psyches and drugged and electro-shocked into pain and darkness.

    Andrew

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    • Captain Andrew, you are spot on in your evaluation of the data: GAT II Sec Check Lite ethics handling is a solid investment in your own sanity.

      Now, the new Flag-Only Ecclesiastical Enemas are another matter.

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  4. Wow! I was just thinking today that it would be so wonderful if COB would give Sec Check credit for every “acceptable truth” that I fed to the wog press that got accepted as real truth and here we are with “sec check lite”. I will be OTVIII months before I drop this meat body now. What a win!

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    • Valerie, we in RTC submitted your CSW to Captain Miscavige and he has generously awarded you $90,000 in training credits for the acceptable truths you have fed to the wog press.

      Your new GAT II Sec Check Lite ethics handling require a $360,000 donation for phase one. After we deduct your $90,000 training credit, you still need to pay us the $270,000 balance soonest. This is vital. Sea Org members are outside your home. They will not leave until you pay them.

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  5. Very kind and religious questions. I am thrilled.

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  6. Aww, we should have ARC date some day. You have pretty eyes, btw!

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  7. I’m fucked. There’s nothing but entheta where I now have to live. My cardboard box home has no value, but I have a slightly used blanket that was in the same country as LRH for $490,000, OBO, if you can help a fellow thetan.

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  8. I just love scientology math. Like scientology itself it makes no sense and has no real value.

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  9. ‘Flag-Only Ecclesiastical Enemas’ will be the new growth sector of the gal-axe-ee. Soon the purifs will be converted into ka-ka-castles for the loyal masses of Miscavages minions.

    Imagine how well the regs will do when they stand between a loyal minion with a hose up their butt and the toilet? They’ll pay anything, promise anything. ‘You want my first born for the Sea Arggghhh??, sure, just get out my way’….. ‘Where’s the toilet paper??’ ‘That costs extra.’

    Like

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