Tag Archives: Mike Ellis

Scientology Media Productions Sitcom: Cafe in Portland


Cafe in Portland, Episode 1: Being unemployable anywhere else, Reza Aslan signs a 2.5 year contract to work at the cafe in Scientology’s Portland Ideal Org. Joining him there is the equally unemployable Jennifer Lankheim. Comedy ensues on episode one when Reza serves human brain soup to Scientologists who discover their affinity for cannibalism and eagerly devour the tasty treat they call “Wogbrain soup.” Jennifer meanwhile writes a long hand-wringing letter to Freedom asking for her old job back. John Sugg reads her letter, laughs, and throws it in trash.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 2: After Reza Aslan is severely beaten and RPF’d for massively crashing the stats in the cafe, Sea Org member Cristin Woodruff is fired off on a mission to handle the situation. Cristin uses the exact LRH tech to conduct a why-finding for the statcrash. After hundreds of hours of sec-checking local Scientologists, Cristin finds the WHO responsible for the statcrash: Leah. SMP and OSA then comically spend $5,000,000 to make a series of butthurt videos about how Leah caused the cafe to fail.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 3: After donuts, pastries, and cakes begin to disappear from the cafe, IJC Mike Ellis is sec checked. He denies everything but his rockslamming on the meter tells a different story. Things take an ugly turn when MAA Julian Swartz shows up in Portland to handle the IJC.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 4: Shannon Burwell explains why she wrote the KR’s on Mike Ellis after she observed him hiding in the walk in freezer eating pies and cakes while crying and sobbing to himself about how everyone hates him. Shannon then discusses why she is so broke that she has a GoFundMe page to raise $1200 for art supplies for her child’s private school.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 5: A party after Penny Atwell Jones and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige use the technology of GAT II to boom the stats of the cafe to highest evers. But suddenly Nancy the barista (played by Jenna Elfman) discovers false reporting by, you guessed it, Reza Aslan. It seems that Reza, after doing lowers, had talked his way back into the cafe. Comedy ensues as COB flips his wig and makes Reza lick the bathroom floors in the cafe with his tongue. Reza thinks it’s a degrading and humiliating ritual but does it anyway because he alone is so soulful that he can see the beauty even in horrific religious practices.

COB RTC David Miscavige Finds the Lost Tech of Arbitration!

commisarIn an ecclesiastical miracle for the ages, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has just found the LOST TECH OF ARBITRATION.

Written by the Founder in 1982, this lost tech proves that arbitration policy has existed in the Church for 35 years. COB also found 537 arbitration cases files that had been concealed inside a wall during a routine drywall repair procedure following an HGB staff meeting.

OSA conducted a hard-hitting investigation which revealed that IJC Mike Ellis was a Psych sent into the Church to hide files and conceal evidence of a fair, just, and impartial arbitration procedure conducted by an independent third party agreed upon by both sides. The bona fides are all there in the files recovered by COB.

Now it all makes sense: A deep-cover Psych posing as the Scientology IJC tried to make the Church lose a crucial legal case thereby ruining Mankind’s only hope of salvation. When the records were checked, OSA further determined that Ellis was actually a low ranking file clerk who was pretending to be the IJC.

Ellis has been terminated for cause and will likely run off to HBO to join the eight bitter defrocked apostates who are attacking the Church.

In honor of COB’s Recovery of the Lost Tech of Arbitration, a statue will be sculpted in his image and likeness and placed in out new 21st century cathedral in Clearwater.


Church of Scientology Emergency Standby Medical Letters



January 17, 2015: Church of Scientology attorney Gary Soter filed an emergency motion to prevent Scientology International Justice Chief Mike Ellis from attending a scheduled deposition in the Garcia lawsuit. As covered by Tony Ortega, Soter claimed that Mike Ellis was too sick to attend. Scientology doctor Megan Shields diagnosed Ellis. All of this seemed to convenient to get Ellis out of what is going to be a very tough deposition for him as he seeks to defend Scientology’s dubious and self-serving “arbitration” system.

315 Pound Church of Scientology Justice Chief to be Fitness Boarded Out of Sea Org


2008: IJC Mike Ellis at a svelte 265 pounds.

As reported today by Psych journalist Tony Ortega today, Church of Scientology International Justice Chief Mike Ellis weighs 315 pounds.

Ellis has an earache, bronchitis, high blood pressure, and heart problems. The medicos say he is too sick to fly to Florida to be deposed in the Garcia case.

We in RTC have investigated Mike Ellis and are preparing a Comm Ev to fitness board the guy out of the Sea Org.

Mike Ellis Comm Ev Particulars:

1. Mike Ellis is a No Case Gain (NCG) who has somatics turning on due to his hidden crimes against COB and Scientology organizations.

2. Mike Ellis is the “why” for the massive Church of Scientology statcrash for the past ten years.

IJC Mike Ellis. Photo by JennyAtLAX.

2015: IJC and OT III Mike Ellis at 315 pounds and unable to travel by aeroplane. Any deposition of the IJC must be done in Los Angeles at his bedside as he is on oxygen and unable to locomote or form clear thoughts.  Photo by JennyAtLAX.

3. Mike Ellis is the hidden SP on COB’s lines and this explains everything.

4. After we in RTC declare Mike Ellis an SP, he will not be able to be deposed as he is no longer a Church official. He will be sent to a rest home in a non-extradition country at Church expense.

4A. After Mike Ellis is declared, his post will remain vacant and so there is no IJC for Ted Babbitt to depose.

4B. The post of IJC cannot be filled until the Board of Directors of CSI, at the instruction of a majority of the Trustees, order a search for a replacement IJC. The request will be initiated at the next scheduled Board meeting in Aruba on September 1, 2018. CSI Bylaws do not allow the Board to be convened at an earlier date.

5. We in RTC put Mike Ellis on the cans and found the reading item: Mike Ellis is PTS to Ted Babbitt. This is unsurprising as Babbitt is a dramatizing wholetrack SP with evil intentions. Babbitt has no doubt destroyed entire civilizations and planets for the past trillion years and now sees the Church of Scientology as a big fat chicken to be plucked and eaten.

The diagnosis here is religion being attacked.

The prescription is the First Amendment.

To paraphrase SNL, “Captain Miscavige has a fever and the only cure is more First Amendment.”

Stay tuned as Captain Miscavige and his wog lawyers file an emergency motion to keep Mike Ellis out of deposition.

In the meantime, Eliis has been confined to the medical unit where he is lying in a bunk caterwauling about his meat body falling apart.