Tag Archives: IJC

Scientology Media Productions Sitcom: Cafe in Portland


Cafe in Portland, Episode 1: Being unemployable anywhere else, Reza Aslan signs a 2.5 year contract to work at the cafe in Scientology’s Portland Ideal Org. Joining him there is the equally unemployable Jennifer Lankheim. Comedy ensues on episode one when Reza serves human brain soup to Scientologists who discover their affinity for cannibalism and eagerly devour the tasty treat they call “Wogbrain soup.” Jennifer meanwhile writes a long hand-wringing letter to Freedom asking for her old job back. John Sugg reads her letter, laughs, and throws it in trash.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 2: After Reza Aslan is severely beaten and RPF’d for massively crashing the stats in the cafe, Sea Org member Cristin Woodruff is fired off on a mission to handle the situation. Cristin uses the exact LRH tech to conduct a why-finding for the statcrash. After hundreds of hours of sec-checking local Scientologists, Cristin finds the WHO responsible for the statcrash: Leah. SMP and OSA then comically spend $5,000,000 to make a series of butthurt videos about how Leah caused the cafe to fail.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 3: After donuts, pastries, and cakes begin to disappear from the cafe, IJC Mike Ellis is sec checked. He denies everything but his rockslamming on the meter tells a different story. Things take an ugly turn when MAA Julian Swartz shows up in Portland to handle the IJC.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 4: Shannon Burwell explains why she wrote the KR’s on Mike Ellis after she observed him hiding in the walk in freezer eating pies and cakes while crying and sobbing to himself about how everyone hates him. Shannon then discusses why she is so broke that she has a GoFundMe page to raise $1200 for art supplies for her child’s private school.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 5: A party after Penny Atwell Jones and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige use the technology of GAT II to boom the stats of the cafe to highest evers. But suddenly Nancy the barista (played by Jenna Elfman) discovers false reporting by, you guessed it, Reza Aslan. It seems that Reza, after doing lowers, had talked his way back into the cafe. Comedy ensues as COB flips his wig and makes Reza lick the bathroom floors in the cafe with his tongue. Reza thinks it’s a degrading and humiliating ritual but does it anyway because he alone is so soulful that he can see the beauty even in horrific religious practices.

How to Determine if a Scientologist is in Good Standing with the Church of Scientology

All Scientologists are like Schrödinger’s cat in the box: They are simultaneously in good standing and not in good standing with the Church. If a radioactive legal particle adverse to the Church appears, the flask inside the box is broken and suppressive acts on the part of the Scientologist named in the legal papers are detected. The box is opened by the IJC and the wave function collapses down into the state in which the Scientologist is not in good standing in with the Church.

In Scientology the designation “In Good Standing With the Church” remains governed at all times by the Scientology Uncertainty Principle. This principle states that a Scientologist is only as valuable as he or she can continuously donate money to Scientology and never become a legal or PR problem. However, the Scientologist can never know if they have donated enough money or have become a legal or PR problem.

All Scientology certs and awards are also governed by the Scientology Uncertainty Principle and thus, the wave function of certs and awards can suddenly collapse down into an outcome in which all certs and awards are cancelled.

It is only possible to know a Scientologist’s level on the Bridge or their standing with the Church. One cannot know both. One can know, for example, if a Scientologist is a Clear or an OT but that does not tell you if they are in good standing with the Church or a declared SP. Not even the Scientologist knows. Only the IJC knows and, even then, the IJC only knows what COB tells him he may or may not know. Again, this is the Scientology Uncertainty Principle at work.

“In Good Standing” therefore remains, at all times, a purely quantum mechanical probability governed by the laws of legal and PR interactions within the seemingly oddball system of Scientology metaphysics. As Ken Delusion himself has said, “If you claim to understand Scientology then you don’t.”

COB RTC David Miscavige Finds the Lost Tech of Arbitration!

commisarIn an ecclesiastical miracle for the ages, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has just found the LOST TECH OF ARBITRATION.

Written by the Founder in 1982, this lost tech proves that arbitration policy has existed in the Church for 35 years. COB also found 537 arbitration cases files that had been concealed inside a wall during a routine drywall repair procedure following an HGB staff meeting.

OSA conducted a hard-hitting investigation which revealed that IJC Mike Ellis was a Psych sent into the Church to hide files and conceal evidence of a fair, just, and impartial arbitration procedure conducted by an independent third party agreed upon by both sides. The bona fides are all there in the files recovered by COB.

Now it all makes sense: A deep-cover Psych posing as the Scientology IJC tried to make the Church lose a crucial legal case thereby ruining Mankind’s only hope of salvation. When the records were checked, OSA further determined that Ellis was actually a low ranking file clerk who was pretending to be the IJC.

Ellis has been terminated for cause and will likely run off to HBO to join the eight bitter defrocked apostates who are attacking the Church.

In honor of COB’s Recovery of the Lost Tech of Arbitration, a statue will be sculpted in his image and likeness and placed in out new 21st century cathedral in Clearwater.


Church of Scientology Emergency Standby Medical Letters



January 17, 2015: Church of Scientology attorney Gary Soter filed an emergency motion to prevent Scientology International Justice Chief Mike Ellis from attending a scheduled deposition in the Garcia lawsuit. As covered by Tony Ortega, Soter claimed that Mike Ellis was too sick to attend. Scientology doctor Megan Shields diagnosed Ellis. All of this seemed to convenient to get Ellis out of what is going to be a very tough deposition for him as he seeks to defend Scientology’s dubious and self-serving “arbitration” system.