The IAS Bridge to Total Patronage

cropped-dm-avatar1.png“If you did the OT Levels and became confused or stalled, well you’re not alone!” declared COB RTC David Miscavige.

“The Bridge to Total Freedom has never been properly understood due to SP Transcriptionists adding semicolons in the wrong places. Compounding these errors, semicolons were omitted altogether in other places.”

“Moreover, entire OT levels were placed in the wrong order by these same SP Transcriptionists! OT III before OT VII? No, no, no! That was the wrong order and is the why for lack of Bridge progress at Flag by our twelve million parishioners!”

“We in RTC have spent millions of hours of painstakingly troubleshooting and researching the original upper level materials. Our work has conclusively shown that OT VII was mislabeled OT III whereas OT VII was mislabeled OT III. It is no longer a mystery as to why OT’s have been stalled – and some for decades! No wonder OT’s needed hundreds or thousands of hours of TR’s and Objectives!”

“In other words, the upper levels were not in their proper order!”

SP.Bldg“But now the OT levels are in their proper order and so this amazing technical correction opens the door to Scientologists finally being able to ‘Go OT’ in the proper sequence and at the correct orders of magnitude! So come to Flag now to redo your entire OT levels,” COB said by way of laying down ecclesiastical law with an atomic branding iron.

“And if the re-sequencing of the OT levels was not enough of a brutal new technical breakthrough for you,” COB continued in breathless fashion, “the final, penultimate, and stunning new technical breakthrough is here at last,” COB enthused, “so buckle your seat belts as we light this rocket and climb into infinity on an unprecedented journey heretofore unimaginable in the annals of any history of any civilization in this or any other universe!”

The new breakthrough is that the Bridge to Total Freedom was only intended to be a Bridge to another Bridge — and yes here I speak of the Bridge to Total Freedom as the Bridge to the Bridge to the IAS Bridge to Total Patronage!”

“Scientologists were always meant to cross the Bridge to Total Freedom and walk straight onto the IAS Bridge to Total Patronage! And now this is possible and this is the epochal, history-changing technical breakthrough that is the Golden Age of Donating. Finally and at last, the exact Technology of Donating is known and achievable”

“Welcome to the future of Scientology!”

Bridge.to.Bridge

12 responses to “The IAS Bridge to Total Patronage

  1. There are not enough pinks and greys in the universe to make me fully understand.

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    • I’d like to indicate that you are “buttered all over the universe” and in need of the Cause Resurgence rundown at Flag. COB’s wisdom will be crystal clear after a brisk 500 laps around a pole!

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    • Sarah, yours is such an amazing marvel of a comment on so many levels. Funny, acerbic, mind-boggling, and best of all, it is totally an insider quip. When it comes to Scientology, I have read the comments of comments and that one is now up there with the top comments. A+.

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  2. Just one question sir – how does OT 9 fit into this?

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    • Scientology411, OTIX will only be released only after there are 10,000 on Solo NOT’s. We need 10,000 Solo NOT’s auditors unenturbulating entheta at such magnitudes as to stabilize this prison planet stable sufficiently to allow it to bear the megawatt kiloton light years of Theta-Force that will be released in OTIX.

      By way of a sneak peek, we in RTC are pleased to announced that OTIX will be released with racing stripes.

      However, we in RTC need to make this clear to one and all: Forget about OTX being released until there is a sane planetary Scientology Thetaocracy in place led by Planetary Plenipotentiary David Miscavige. We in RTC hasten to point out that any premature release of OTX would cause this entire prison planet to jump out of the nearest skyscraper window.

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      • Can we please lower the threshold of Solo NOTs needed by 10X? As a former OTVIII starting from scratch due to GAT II, I have to say that my local org is sucking ass these days. We used to have over 200 “Like”s on our Face Book ‘Ideal Org Fundraising Group’ page and we are now down to 114. I’m not getting any younger or richer to pay for all the tech re-do’s and I’m scared that my thetan will be stolen by the psychs when I drop my body. I’m scared that I may come back as psych wog. Please, COB, I need to complete the bridge!!!!

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    • OT9 cannot fit into your life until your Bankruptcy Court Status is Saint Hill Size. Contact the Ethics officer immediately for punishment for daring to desire case gain.

      When you are finished there, you will be routed to the IAS reg for information on how to reach Patron Gluteous Maximus Status and begin your travel down the bridge to abject poverty, the only real bridge you should care about. Praise be to mighty COB!!!!!

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  3. It’s common knowledge that the semicolon is the most suppressive of punctuation marks.

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  4. You dont even have to cross the Bridge to Total Freedom, in fact we the RTC in the IAS would prefer if you didn’t and just pay up, A to B is the sanest route.

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  5. If COB lays down ecclesiastical law with an atomic branding-iron, it must mean all those rumours about his food being cooked on an oxy-acetylene stove and his wearing stainless-steel underpants are true. No wonder he’s so testy…

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  6. It’s finally makes perfect sense.

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  7. Hey folks, DON’T FORGET – in order to reach the “Bridge to Total Freedom”, it is first necessary to head down the “Mine Shaft to Total Mind Fock”…when you get to the bottom, you’re there.

    Like

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