COB Fires Off the New Fundraising Police!

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Office of COB

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Commanding Officer. Fundraising Police

We in RTC are pleased to present another inspirational talk and call to action by Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman.


My fellow Scientologists, we in COB’s  newly created Fundraising Police have been personally fired on sweeping worldwide missions by COB himself.

Our mission orders are to locate and shatter the remaining pockets of parishioner resistance to donating all monies to the IAS now.

Surveys have shown that Scientologists these days so often natter and complain about “excessive and constant fundraising”conducted by the IAS, Flag, the Ideal Orgs, Bridge Publications, etc.

Actual research conducted by the Fundraising Police has conclusively proven that there is no “excessive and constant fundraising” going on anywhere in any Scientology organizations. Rather, the nattering is all caused by Reactive Mind phenomena, i.e. Scientologists are being banky and have gone into covert criminal agreement that there is “too much” fundraising.

Scientologists have gone solid on this psychotic computation because they have other fish to fry. Specifically, recent sec checks conducted by we in the Fundraising Police uncovered pathetic justifications for not donating money to the help COB reverse the global emergency. Claims of near-bankruptcy, unemployment, a bad economy, and so on are all a make wrong of COB and his bold plans for Planetary expansion.

These excuses are pathetic. Frankly speaking, if you are not able to earn the wherewithal to go up your IAS Bridge to Total Patronage,  then you do not belong out there in society. In his great mercy and beneficence, therefore, COB is offering a way out of the trap for those Scientologists who have become PTS to the middle class: Join the Sea Org!

What’s that? You do not wish to instantly flee your so-called “poverty” and immediately join the Sea Org where, except for underclothes, shoes, sleep, hygiene items, and toilet paper, you will be very generously provided for. Well then my dear comrade it would appear that you are not as gut-wrenchingly poor as you have been pretending. You obviously have some monies hidden away and are holding out on COB!

Report immediately to the Fundraising Police Office in your Org!

12 replies »

  1. You almost made me spill the coffee on the keyboard Jeffrey. It sounds so true that some times I get carried away believing it is a factual RTC communication!


  2. this is going to sound very stupid but I’ll put it out there anyway bc well you just never know how ridiculous these Scientology promo’s can be…Is that a real SO recruitment brochure or poster? It has the little legalesse printing on the bottom and everything, looks legit.


      • That is very scary. Eeesh, such unabashed, venomous contempt for freedom, individuality and democracy. What fascist scum. Carry on good sir! The Soviet Union didn’t last 75yrs and neither will these freaks


  3. The IAS Bridge to Total Patronage is the new OT bridge of choice. Why spend hundreds or thousands of hours on the cans? Why bother trying to decipher the incoherent BS of the Founder’s books and lectures? Why trouble yourself contemplating the absurd insanity of his tech?

    To truly become a happy, recognized, and celebrated Scientologist all you need is bucket loads of cash and a willingness to bend over and give it up for COB. Head over to your morgue of choice and tell ’em Nancy sent you.

    Your reward…the best whole track bowling trophies of this or any lifetime presented by a man so small his podium is only three feet high.


  4. Are you tired of the stress of planning complicated meals just to keep your ruds in? Well my friend, join the Sea Org and get a fuss-free meal of beans and rice every day – seasoned with theta!!!

    *Actual seasoning not theta but sawdust and cockroach droppings.


  5. The Church of Scientology does not have “excessive and constant fundraising.” On a whole track scale, do you ever remember being pressed for money by Scientology in previous lives? No. Maybe now, during this life you’re asked for some small change, but that’s all. Never in the past and never in the future have you been asked or will you be asked for money. So, for this present life, look under the seat cushion, check your back pocket, raise your credit card limit, take out a second or third mortgage and contribute.


    • The truth in your post lit off a powerful cognition.that blew me several feet behind my head. Truth be told, I haven’t felt this good since my last trip to CO to purchase “contributions” for COB’s sister.


    • We in RTC applaud the breakthrough cognition from OT Ivanmapother! Fundraising is just a “this lifetime” necessity so there will be Orgs in the future when you return over and over and over.

      What Ivanmapother says is quite true: Scientology has never fundraised on the wholetrack. So what does this tell us? It tells us that the whining criminal dilettantes are no better than dead-in-the-head one-lifers who believe you only life once and then there is nothing else. All they care about is their money this lifetime and are not willing to go all in and then join the Sea Org.

      These pantywaists might as well be Psychiatrists who teach we evolved from the mud and only live one life. Never mind that the Founder apparently contradicted himself and said that the Psychs are wholetrack implanters who teach that we only live one life.

      The answer, hidden in COB Advices, is that the Psychs teach the heresy of “One-Lifeism” while secretly being a Cult of Psych Drug Reincarnationists whose “Sea Org” are the pharmacists who dispense pills. This is a story for another time.


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