IAS Bowling Tournament Winners Announced!

Dr. Eldon Weiner, Executive Director, IAS Bowling Operations

“The recent IAS couples bowling tournament here at Theta Lanes was a smashing success,” gushed ED IAS Bowling Operations Dr. Eldon Weiner.

“And while this was a competitive tournament, COB didn’t count his scores as it just wouldn’t be fair to all those OT’s. COB in fact rolled ten consecutive perfect 300 games! COB is a super, super, super, super, super bowler! The best ever!”

“Having profusely acknowledged COB, it’s now time to announce the winners of the IAS bowling tournament and give them their trophies.”


Theta Lanes: Where OT’s go to Bowl!

“The Grand Prize winners are Bob “Big Pharma Tycoon” Duggan and his lovely wife Trish. Bob and Trish’s smoking-hot 287 average flattened the competition like bugs on a windshield! Well done to first place bowlers B and T!”

“At 2nd place we have Sheila and Alan Atkison-Baker whose combined average of 271 was enough to put some serious heat on Bob and Trish in those dramatic last five frames of the final playoff game.”

“Scoring third place with a solid 265 average were Craig and Sally Jensen. Too bad Bob’s business these days isn’t as strong as his ability to pick up a 7-1o split!”

“The trophy for ‘Most Improved Bowlers’ over last year’s couples tournament goes to Grant and Elena ‘Olive Oyl‘ Cardone. Their 259 average blew the socks off their pathetic 151 average last year. Let me tell you this: That skinny gal Elena can hurl a bowling ball down the alley like it was a greased cat! Grant and Elena have been practicing all year here at Theta Lanes and it really showed at this year’s couples tournament!”

“And finally, we in the IAS Bowling Operations and all the folks here at Theta Lanes want to give a special award for ‘Bowling Excellence’ to COB RTC David Miscavige. No one has ever met a more kind, a more compassionate, and a more caring bowler — and we have met the bowlers of bowlers! Thank you sir and here is your big shiny IAS bowling trophy!”


20 replies »

    No one has ever met a more competent, a more intelligent, a more tolerant, a more compassionate bowler than COB! This is COB in a nutshell. I have it on good authority, because Tom Cruise said so.

    We all know that COB is extremely talented at everything he does, and bowling is just a minor talent among his multitude of talents.

    I must admit, it brings tears to my eyes looking at him standing there all alone with his trophy trying to smile, when all the other guys are standing together with their wives AND their trophy. It underlines the loneliness he must feel, now that Shelly has left him. She obviously couldn´t see what a gem she was married to. – Shame on her!!!


  2. PS
    I notice that COB is still wearing his wedding ring on his left hand. This could signal that he is still hoping she will return.

    I think “faithful” should be added to the list of virtues describing COB!!!


  3. There is no truth to the rumor that COB RTC went missing for several hours until he was discovered stuck in the ball return. That is an absolute lie concocted by a particularly evil psych.


  4. The picture of Falwell made me snort but the “Olive Oyl” comment damn near killed me. She is so gaunt, her breast implants look as if they are going to burst from her body.


  5. Who is CO TMO (Trophy Manufacturing Operations)? TMO appears to be one of the few upstat COS orgs. Are they under RTC? CSI? Tip of the hat to the CO for an over the top job.


    • I’m so impressed with the parallels between Scientology and North Korea. COB bowled 10 straight 300 pt. games; Kim Il Sung made 11 hole in ones the first time he golfed.


      • Dude…it’s the tech. Kim Jong Un and COB got it down pat.

        I’m workin on it…Ever since they legalized the tech here in Colorado, I go exterior and travel all over the world at light speed without a passport or money.


  6. That fucking trophy is literally taller than COB! It literally is! Someone had to have been RPF’d to fucking death for that picture!


    • COB is the biggest POS the COS has ever had…Being the POS he is, he deserves nothing less than a HUGE fucking POS trophy…am I right?


      • We should be the ones giving the POS COB a huge fuckin trophy for doing our muthafuckin jobs for us in bringing down the fucking COS. Why are we surprised he is doing this? After all, no one but him is able to do anything right anyway! 3 cheers to COB for killing the goose that laid the stinking rotten radioactive egg! Hip Hip hoo-fucking ray bitches!


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