Tag Archives: Bob Duggan

RTC Secret Memo: Celebrities

Actress Elisabeth Moss Joins Scientology’s Elite “Fuck You” Club

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has determined that celebrities pose too many risks to Scientology. Therefore, COB decrees the following:

1. Thanks to a generous $500,000,000 donation, the Celebrity Centre Int will be renamed The Bob Duggan Scientology Success in Life Centre. Only those Scientologists with an annual income of $3,000,000 USD or more are eligible to join the BDSSILC. The emphasis will be on success, money, IAS Patron Status, and not on celebrity or going up the, uhh, that thing, err, what’s it called? The Bridge to total, umm, something. Whatever it was the Founder was hobbyhorsing about all time with his complicated charts and scales and whatnot. We in RTC aren’t really into it because if you’re a major IAS Patron you’re automatically an OT8 so don’t worry about it.

2. Grant and Elena Cardone will chair the BDSSILC OT Committee.

3. Except for Tom Cruise and a few others, most of the existing Scientology celebrities are demoted to the status of PAC Base publics. None of them have done us any good. Tom Cruise will become a BDSSILC public.

4. Due to their creepy and embarrassing videos, Bodhi and Jenna Elfman are demoted to SFV publics and ordered to move to the Valley. They have lost their Hollywood/Los Feliz privileges for gross out ethics.

5. Elisabeth Moss flipping off the camera at the Emmys was too much for COB. Moss is being sec checked at Int Base for the next several months on her evil purposes to destroy Scientology.

6. Just as STAND has created fake stock photo Scientologists, the Church will create fake stock photo celebrity members. Stock photo Scientology celebrities pose no PR risks and will not escape and write books or do television shows. Our launch stock photo Scientology celebrity is Angelia Joolie:

Caved In Weakling Scientologists Engaging in Deindexing Stories from Google


It has been brought to our attention in RTC that Scientology OT’s are having articles about their involvement in Scientology deindexed (removed) from Google. This is a very BAD INDICATOR that means two things:

1. These theetie-wheetie dilettante Scientologists have no confront and are ashamed of being publicly identified as Scientologists. This is why they use attorneys to demand that Google deindex articles in which they are identified as Scientologists. COB has confront. He never has Black PR or entheta articles about him deindexed from Google. So why do these publics? Why are their necks so precious?

2. Scientologists who have had Google deindex articles are at -8.0 on the Tone Scale as they have gone into hiding. Their downward spiral continued to -10.0 where they have become objects, specifically they have become their IAS trophies. Predictively, they will next become -20.0 which is nothing.

We in RTC think less of the Bob Duggan’s of the world who get caved in by articles about them being Scientologists and thus engage in deindexing rather than standing up and confronting the Isness of, say, having shipped one’s kids off to Scientology Africa in exchange for a large donation to the Ideal Org in Jo’burg.

We in RTC order problem Sea Org members shipped all over the world into miserable hellholes, Class 5 Orgs, body routing, and even into the RPF. This movement of problem people is  neither an overt nor a sordid subject. This is what we want Scientologists Simone Hafenmeyer, Dennis Romeiser, and Simone Lorenzen of Germany to know.



Church of Scientology to Become Speedo Cult


After watching Holy Hell, the new documentary about the Buddha Field cult, COB RTC David Miscavige had a epiphany: The Church of Scientology needed to be reinvented as a Speedo Cult.  Accordingly, the Church of Speedology was born.

“While we in Speedology will still offer COB’s unusual solution called GAT II,” said Church spokesman Ken “Shakti” Delusion, “our new emphasis will be on the men wearing iridescent day-glo Speedos and the women wearing bikinis while we all hold hands and dance in fields and have love-fests in rivers and streams.”

“Fundraising will not change however,” added Shakti Delusion, “for truly while Heaven and Earth shall pass away, Thursday at 2:00 PM remains immutable and fixed in eternity.”

Big Beings Being Big Magazine

We at Scientology Media Productions, on behalf of COB RTC David Miscavige, are pleased to launch our inaugural edition of Big Beings Being Big magazine, the new monthly journal for OT’s. Get your yearly subscription for $50,000 and receive a free RTC vinyl tote bag.


Amazonology: The World’s Fastest Growing Religion!


Bloomberg Business today announced that Amazonology has officially passed Scientology as the world’s fastest growing religion. Ned Jacobs, Senior Editor of Bloomberg’s Religious-Capitalism Fusions Unit, reported that Amazonology eclipsed Scientology last week after three key events occurred:

*5.8 billion people now self-identify their religious faith as Amazonology. Of these self-declared Amazonologists, 3.8 billion have signed Amazonology’s one trillion year Prime Contract.  The Prime Contract is both a solemn vow and a legally binding contract to shop on Amazon for the next trillion years.

*Amazonology just opened its 2,722,501 Ideal Fulfillment Center.

Amazonology ecclesiastical leader Jeff Bezos

Amazonology ecclesiastical leader Jeff Bezos

* Clerical employment in Amazonology’s Fulfillment Org is now, if such a thing can even be believed, much more brutal than in Scientology’s Sea Org.

Amazonology’s ecclesiastical leader Jeff Bezos hotly denied that working conditions were bad and blamed “bitter defrocked Amazonologist apostates and eBay bigots” for spreading Black PR against Amazonology.  “We are the most efficient group on the planet,” Bezos added.

Religious trading markets reacted sharply to the news that Amazonology had surpassed Scientology as the world’s fastest growing religion. A massive selloff of Scientology shares sent prices plunging to -$2,559 per share. Scientology billionaire Bob “Big Pharma” Duggan and Religious Technology Center boss David Miscavige immediately reacted to the news by buying back 50,000000 Class A shares of Church of Scientology International stock. “We have to turn this dire situation around,” said Miscavige, “or this planet is lost.”

Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment.

Scientology Pharmaceutical Billionaire Bob Duggan to Sell Sea Org Members

Bob_DugganScientology OT and billionaire Bob Duggan has the Midas touch.

Having just made $3.55 billion dollars selling his pharmaceutical company Pharmacyclics to a wog drug company, Duggan realized just how much money there is to be made in Big Pharma.

And this is where Duggan ingeniously used his magical OT powers to instantly solve several big problems for the Church of Scientology while making both himself and the Church a fortune.

Duggan knew his beloved Church of Scientology was in the middle of a PR and financial nightmare of epic proportions.

Dave.in.PrisonDuggan clearly understood that Church leader David “let him die” Miscavige was the ecclesiastical equivalent of a steaming over-filled colostomy bag.

Duggan realized that the Church of Scientology was less popular than even gonorrhea.

But what really troubled Bob Duggan was the Church’s cash burn on its slave labor force. Even if the Church’s 5000 Sea Org members were only paid $46 per week, that was still a hefty $230,000 per week plus the costs of rice and beans.

Duggan knew it was high time to cut the slave labor force by selling Sea Org members for medical experimentation, organ harvesting, and, well, for slave labor in African diamond mines and other dangerous places where worker protections aren’t needed.

Duggan’s new joint venture with Scientology was launched: Slaveacyclics. “$100,000 per head for a Sea Org member,” Duggan announced at a recent press conference. “Do whatever you want with these downstats.” And with those words, the RPF and weekly pay for Sea Org suddenly vanished as problems.

“Slaveacyclics also offers a ‘problem child relocation service,” Duggan added. “If you have problem kids, we’ll ship ’em off to a Scientology Ideal Org in Africa for a price plus a weekly maintenance fee. I personally piloted this program with COB and it works great.”

“Rounding out our product offering, Slaveacyclics offers a service to make people problems disappear permanently,” Duggan enthused. “For a fee we will have our special agent Mr. Usman Bello take people on ride down the Sagbama Expressway. No need to bother with all 419 details here. It’s Scientology at work, and, Scientology works when applied standardly,”Duggan winked.

Violent and Abusive Scientology Juvenile Delinquent Sent from US to Africa


Scientology Africa Problem Child Organization (SAPCO) has, once again, preserved sanity and peace in America by placing a particularly vicious and insane American juvenile delinquent with an OT family in Johannesburg.

“D” will be handled using the harshest Scientology justice actions,” SAPCO CO/INT Mr. Radovan Krejcir declared.

“This ‘D’ will be no problem for we at SAPCO, particularly given the fact that he has been cut off from his IAS piggy bank. ‘D’ will be running laps under the hot sun in the SAPCO compound until such a time as he destimulates from his incident and fully writes up his overts and withholds,” Mr. Krejcir stated.