Chairman Miscavige is suffering from a long list of problems. As a result, $750,000,000 is needed by Thursday at 2:00 PM.
You yourself are personally responsible for all of COB’s problems and therefore you must pull up your socks and make a monumental and heroically-bankrupting donation to the IAS to atone for your crimes against Chairman Miscavige and the Church.
These are just some of the problems afflicting Chairman Miscavige:
1. CICS personnel who cannot do anything correctly and make a disaster of everything.
2. Overwork as COB has to do everything himself. The real reason COB flew all the way to Sydney was to personally paint the Org and hang all of the doors himself because these things had been repeatedly done wrong. And then when COB got to Sydney he additionally had to re-train the entire staff in GAT II because FSO had done it all wrong.
3. Suppression from the Psychs. GAT II is so successful that the Suppression has intensified and actually become worse.
4. A complete lack of auditing. COB has had to valiantly forego auditing since 1993 in order to personally save this Planet from becoming a charred cinder. He alone is the reason this Planet has not gone up in smoke. COB would like to go into session but he cannot because of you and your crimes!
5. A lack of money. The desperate financial situation of the Church is a big stress on COB. Quite honestly, COB’s $2 billion+ in liquid cash does not go very far these days in Clearing the Planet. Indeed, the cost of reducing crime by 95% in Colombia was several hundred million dollars for a properly conducted Way to Happiness Campaign.
6. The global shortage of buildings. Chairman Miscavige has purchased over 500,000,000 buildings since 2002 and converted them to Ideal Organizations. This has resulted in a global building shortage. There are very few buildings for sale because David Miscavige has purchased so many to keep up with the enormous demand for Scientology goods and services. As a temporary measure, Ideal Organizations will soon be operating under bridges and piers or in open areas of the desert or on the open Arctic tundra. Dress appropriately.
7. The shortage of plastic caused by the record sales of the new Ultra Mark VIII e-meters. There is now a global shortage of plastic pellets needed to make more meters. Even Sabic Plastics cannot meet COB’s insatiable demand for plastic at the correct magnitudes of demand.
As to other matters: The smoking of cigarettes does not harm COB and in fact imparts to him a distinctive smoker’s voice that makes his speeches resonant.
The drinking of liquorous spirits also does not harm COB and in fact fortifies COB against the harsh winter cold in Hemet.
Each night, COB calls those of us who serve him in the Office of COB into the Officer’s quarters where we drink and smoke all night and laugh as COB reads aloud the contents of the confessional folders of Scientology celebrities and whales.