David Miscavige’s Problems

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Office of COB

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Office of COB

Chairman Miscavige is suffering from a long list of problems. As a result, $750,000,000 is needed by Thursday at 2:00 PM.

You yourself are personally responsible for all of COB’s problems and therefore you must pull up your socks and make a monumental and heroically-bankrupting donation to the IAS to atone for your crimes against Chairman Miscavige and the Church.

These are just some of the problems afflicting Chairman Miscavige:

1. CICS personnel who cannot do anything correctly and make a disaster of everything.

2. Overwork as COB has to do everything himself. The real reason COB flew all the way to Sydney was to personally paint the Org and hang all of the doors himself because these things had been repeatedly done wrong. And then when COB got to Sydney he additionally had to re-train the entire staff in GAT II because FSO had done it all wrong.

3. Suppression from the Psychs. GAT II is so successful that the Suppression has intensified and actually become worse.

bolygo24. A complete lack of auditing. COB has had to valiantly forego auditing since 1993 in order to personally save this Planet from becoming a charred cinder. He alone is the reason this Planet has not gone up in smoke. COB would like to go into session but he cannot because of you and your crimes!

5. A lack of money. The desperate financial situation of the Church is a big stress on COB. Quite honestly, COB’s $2 billion+ in liquid cash does not go very far these days in Clearing the Planet. Indeed, the cost of reducing crime by 95% in Colombia was several hundred million dollars for a properly conducted Way to Happiness Campaign.

hong-kong-skyline6. The global shortage of buildings. Chairman Miscavige has purchased over 500,000,000 buildings since 2002 and converted them to Ideal Organizations. This has resulted in a global building shortage. There are very few buildings for sale because David Miscavige has purchased so many to keep up with the enormous demand for Scientology goods and services. As a temporary measure, Ideal Organizations will soon be operating under bridges and piers or in open areas of the desert or on the open Arctic tundra. Dress appropriately.

meter.2-147. The shortage of plastic caused by the record sales of the new Ultra Mark VIII e-meters. There is now a global shortage of plastic pellets needed to make more meters. Even Sabic Plastics cannot meet COB’s insatiable demand for plastic at the correct magnitudes of demand.

As to other matters: The smoking of cigarettes does not harm COB and in fact imparts to him a distinctive smoker’s voice that makes his speeches resonant.

The drinking of liquorous spirits also does not harm COB and in fact fortifies COB against the harsh winter cold in Hemet.

Each night, COB calls those of us who serve him in the Office of COB into the Officer’s quarters where we drink and smoke all night and laugh as COB reads aloud the contents of the confessional folders of Scientology celebrities and whales.

14 responses to “David Miscavige’s Problems

  1. I was going to donate, but I guess an extra million or so won’t really help. Maybe the Sea Org volunteers can give him something?

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  2. This is an inspiring report OTVIIIisGrrr8! Definitely one of the best from those in RTC and sure to revitalize the field!

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  3. It seems as if I can’t really help, given my meager resources.
    Warren Buffett

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  4. Jimbo Threeman

    COB RTC should be thrown into a shark tank. Err… Wha I meant is he should go on that shark tank TV show where you pitch your business and the sharks invest if they like it. Mark Cuban likes technology, so I’m sure he would love religious technology. He will give COB $750M or more!

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  5. The cob needs money now!!! Big project like nothing ever before!!! Sell your kidney’s, sell your kid’s kidney’s and your neighbor’s kidney’s (OSA is available to help with this by special request.) Save the date August 24, 2014. Goal is$$$ Eleventy Billion dollars. Don’t let the Cob down!
    PS Tom Cruise adds, We are the only ones that can help!

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  6. Dear Mr. Grrr8,

    I was going to write a large check but someone told me that would not be a good idea because a Scientologist knows that if someone has a problem, they pulled it in, so I guess according to his rules, I can’t even feel sorry for him, much less help him out, right?

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    • Why stop at kidneys? Sell all of your organs. I’m sure COB will reward your dedication by giving you free auditing all the way up the bridge in your next life.

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  7. Now that COB has finally straightened out the mess of a Bridge to Nowhere that LRH left behind, it would appear that he is a bit taken aback by the overwhelming success of it all. After all, it seems that most of his problems stem from the fact that people from all over the planet are now stampeding into the churches, desperate to get hold of the new e-meters and COB´s GAT II, The Only Road to Total Freedom, and he has noone to help him meet this demand.

    I think it is perfectly understandable that he needs to sit down for a few minutes every once in a while and enjoy a little cigarette and a small bottle of whisky to calm his nerves.

    I cannot even begin to imagine the burden that is resting on his shoulders. How should he ever get the time to just sit down and enjoy the fruits of all his labour with a GAT II auditor in front of him with so much going on around him? We all know, he is The Only One, who can handle the situation and I must say, I truly feel sorry for him. He must feel very lonely facing such a daunting task.

    I suggest that we, apart from sending COB the much needed money, also send him our most heartfelt postulates for a very bright future for both Scientology and our very own COB!!! I say: THANK YOU Sir for all you are doing for mankind! THANK YOU that you never took LRH´s advice except: “Be your own advisor!” – May God bless you!!!

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  8. This just about says it all!!!!! Everything that matters and happens is because of Captain miscarrage.

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  9. flyonthewall

    THE LEADER IS GOOD, THE LEADER GREAT, WE SURRENDER OUR WILL AS OF THIS DATE!

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  10. So I’m personally responsible for all of COB’s problems and therefore must pull up my socks and make a monumental and heroically-bankrupting donation to the IAS to atone for my crimes. Okay, I get that. COB needs $750,000,000, I get that too. But rather than giving him mere money, I’m going to do something even better. I’m going to postulate that he receives $800,000,000. What do you think of that?

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    • whostolemycog

      Johnny L – you are on to something. Just think how much we could postulate if we all worked together. Wow after some calculations, it’s probably enough to upset the world’s fragile economy. Guess COB will just have to make do on your $800M postulate.

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  11. “Ideal Organizations will soon be operating under bridges and piers or in open areas of the desert or on the open Arctic tundra. Dress appropriately.”

    I was walking aimlessly postulating finding some food when I met a girl under a bridge that wanted to relieve my stress. This seemed to be a bit out tech as she did not have a proper sign, table, books and all else, but she offered certainty of stress release. I knew right then I was in a new Ideal Org.

    I let her know I was also a $cientologist as well with a mighty “Hip-Hip…”, but she didn’t respond (she must be new on staff). I asked her how well the fund raising was going and what was the largest donation. She said some guy named John gave her $20 for a hand release. She obviously meant a touch assist, but I let it slide. So I gave her $50 and fucked her in the ass.

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    • Where Dat Bridge At?

      Thank you for sharing this! Wow! What a win! I am a long-time public currently in the process of moving into the same area around wherever that new Ideal Org you’re talking about is. Moving can be stressful and I know I will need a good session or two to really blow some charge. So when I read your comm, I had an instant cog: I realized I need get in comm with you about the data on the location of that Ideal Org! It seems to be purely on-Source, with non-stop KSW the right way, all day. That’s exactly what I need. That’s what we all need. It is the only way for real planetary clearing. I’m talking about the true tech here. I’m talking about upstat staff providing services with hey if I only have $30 can I still fuck her in the ass?

      Like

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