The Church of Scientology’s Solution to the Unemployment Problem

Chairman.Dave“Our beloved Chairman David Miscavige has announced a bold new initiative to end the unemployment problem,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The answer is to join the Sea Org.”

“The Sea Org has a new recruitment drive underway that guarantees Chairman Miscavige’s Seven Point Plan for Freedom:

  1.  90+ hour work weeks
  2. Seven day work weeks
  3. $8.00 per week USD guaranteed most weeks
  4. A bunk in a crowded room full of bunks
  5. One toilet per 60 people
  6. Rice and beans and assorted tainted slop to eat
  7. 27% fewer beatings than in past years if your stats are up in a given week

SeaOrgJamesByrne“The Church of Scientology Sea Organization offers unlimited opportunities to be exploited by the World’s Fastest Growing Religion,” enthused Delusion.

“People who join the Sea Org in the next ninety days will receive a recruitment bonus of $10.00 plus a free pair of official ‘Top Gun’ aviator-style sunglasses!”

10 replies »

  1. That high pay might put me in a higher tax bracket. Is there a program to divert full payment until the billion year contract is up? Also, does that one toilet come with TP or should I bring my own?


  2. I am blown 3 feet behind my head considering that our Chairmen can Come up with such exact, scientifically proven numbers all the time. Just like our great belowed founder, it only takes him 423.76 seconds to complete scientific research that would take a whole Wog-research team 376,209 hours to conduct. And our Charmen does all necessary calculations without utilizing Wog-algorithms and computer technology.
    Our Chairman simply knows hos to knows !


  3. As always our COB´s solutions to major problems in society make perfect sense! I mean, the solution was right there under our noses the whole time, but only our COB saw it !!!

    I´m ready to join The Sea Org and get out of my unemployment situation! But, I was hoping I would receive a recruitment bonus of $10.00 PLUS a complete tour of the new SP Building, if I joined. – Is this possible?

    Also, could you please tell me if I get to receive one of those uber beautiful Sea Org uniforms with ribbons and medals and everything, cause that´s my biggest dream!

    Oh, and THANK YOU for your commendation! I just believe in telling the TRUTH about our COB and fact is, he cannot be praised enough!!!


      • I’ll have to pass then. I’ve got a better offer from a Latverian sweat shop. Better pay and a lot fewer beatings.

        On the other hand, none of the beatings are ecclesiastical and Count Doom doesn’t dress as well as COB.


  4. 27% fewer beatings, $10, and free sunglasses?

    Well shut my mouth and show me the dotted line. What’s a billion years in the context of eternity?

    Do you realize how many fewer beatings the average SO enlistee will be forced to enjoy?


  5. Sounds great,poverty,malnutrition and sleep deprevation.The drop in beatings does raise a few red flags.
    How will you get the best from your workers without the standard SO yelling,screaming,threats intimidation and of course random and unprovoked beatings.Is D.M going soft?
    As always I have a solution,the average height and weight for a male is 175 cm’s and 87.5 kg’s.If you hire people 27% bigger than the average to hand out said beatings it will balance itself out.
    Please pass this on to dear leader.


    • A commendation has been placed in your permanent Ethics folder for your VWD genius idea. We in RTC will get some SO members who are 27% larger to do the beatings. This will allow Sea Org to remain in a state of “Beatings Equilibrium” while presenting the appearance that there are less beatings.


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