40 replies »

  1. Dear Chairman Dave!
    Just looking at your picture, I can say with the most utmost sincerety of my heart that I have never seen a more competent, a more intelligent, a more tolerant, a more compassionate Leader than yourself, Sir! Moreover, it´s like no matter what clothes you wear or what hairdo you have, you just look immaculate, and might I add, handsome!

    I don´t even have any questions to ask you……..I´m so blown away!


    • Dear Birgit, COB was do deeply touched by your comment that he wants you to star in the next Golden Era production training film. Entitled The Ultra Mark VIII E-Meter and You the 92-hour film will teach Scientologists the fundamentals of using the new meter flublessly.

      Chariots and horses are involved in the film as is the Scientology zeppelin and the entire Colombian Army.


  2. My Dear Comrade and Glorious Leader Mr, Chairman David Miscavige, I myself would like to ask why Gavino and Glorida Idda and their wretched yapping hyena have not all been RPF’d for failing to handle the internet? They are all wretched failures who need to be sent away to the RPF’s RPF for hats not wearing treason, CICS, and their S’ing of COHB.


    • Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman: Gavino and Glorida Idda and their hunchbacked assistant Bill Yaude are a sore subject with COB. Expect a column on these traitors in the next few days.


  3. Chairman Dave:

    Are you attracted to the smell of rotting flesh and formaldehyde? Because I can’t think of any reason other than this that you haven’t off-loaded the truly useless Linda Hamel.


    • Her Putridness Linda Hamel is very useful to we in RTC. Moreover, she knows too much to ever offload her onto the streets. When she gets sick, weakens, or goes Type III, we will simply lock her in a small room in the tunnels under the Complex.


  4. I’ve heard rumors that many rich Scientologists have substantial assets that could be sold to give a lot of money to the Church. John Travolta is supposed to own several jet aircraft and Robert Duggan allegedly owns a billion dollar pharmaceutical company Are they going to be sent to the ethics office for selfishly hording these assets?


  5. Dear Chairman Dave,

    Is it part of the glorious GAT II to count how many fingers you are holding?
    Please OTVIII forward this to our beloved Chairman, a bedazzled comrade wants to know.


    • Conan, we in RTC want you to know that when you complete Super Power it is *POW!* *BAM!” “WINNING!”. You will know all things and everything. Doing Super Power is like eating a million bowls of Lucky Charms that have only the candy Charms and none of the cereal! But don’t take our word for it:


  6. Chairman Dave,
    First of all, you’re looking well and it’s good to hear that little personal hygiene issue is starting to clear up. I do not think Lou had anything to do with it. In the future, I would not let Grant Cardone use your bathroom facilities, just my opinion.
    My question is: Does your dog’s tailor work with cats too?


    • Yes, Grant is quite, how shall we say, disgusting?

      Our canine tailor is a Ukrainian Scientology Dog specialist and does not work with cats. Our tailor just finished this costume for the upcoming 36 hour “Marathon Fundraiser” at Flag:


  7. Dear Mr. Miscavige,

    Why not pick up a quick mill by winning the James Randi Million Dollar Challenge. The James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) will give a one-million-dollar prize to anyone who can show, under proper observing conditions, evidence of any paranormal, supernatural, or occult power or event.

    That’s right! The JREF will pay US $1,000,000 to anyone who demonstrates any psychic, supernatural, or paranormal ability under satisfactory observation. Surely you know hundreds of Dianetic Clears and OTs who can demonstrate the powers promised by L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah, I know a million dollars isn’t much, but think of the publicity!



    • Go peddle your atheist nonsense elsewhere. We in RTC are not playing your phony game. If James Randi were an actual scientist he would have invented a way to measure Theta. The failure is his, not ours.


      • Sure it’s atheist nonsense OTVIII, but this “phony game” could net us $500,000 each! Please reconsider.


  8. Dear Chairman David,
    I’m way too excited about this Q&A opportunity to ask only one question. I hope you’ll allow me a short series of random questions:

    If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

    Oompa Loompa vs. Munchkin: who do you think wins in a slap fight?

    Where is celly? I mean, where does a Pope such as yourself keep his cellphone during daily activities? In your pocket or does your assistant hold it for you?

    Follow-up to that: Do you type degrading text messages to your subordinates with one finger or two thumbs? (If your assistant sends them for you, how does she type them?)

    What is your least favorite thing about semi-colons?

    What is your most favorite thing about Texas?

    When LRH returns, what is the first thing you will say to him?


    • Dictated by COB and transcribed by COB Communicator:

      1. A Beechnut tree.

      2. Oompa Loompa in 3 rounds.

      3. I do not have a cellphone. I don’t even know what a cellphone is and I have never used any sort of handheld electronic device to send any text messages to anyone in Texas.

      4. Why bother sending text messages to my subordinates when I can easily summon them to the Base where I can beat them in person? That sort of “personal touch” is my trademark as the world’s foremost ecclesiastical leader.

      5. I hate all semicolons and have ruthlessly canceled them in my area. Whenever I see a semicolon I pour gasoline on it and set it ablaze while I cackle and dance around it in the nude.

      6. There is nothing good about the vicious and hateful wog state of Texas. It should be sawed off from America and drowned in the Gulf of Mexico for even daring to think it has jurisdiction over me!

      7. Who?


  9. Dear Chairman Dave:
    If Scientology is a non-denominational religion, then is it possible to be a Moonie and a Scientologist at the same time?

    Also who would win in a naked wrestling match between Sun Yung Moon and L. Ron Hubbard?

    Thank-you so much for taking the time to read my message.


    • Yes, Scientology is non-denominational. One can be a Moonie and a Scientologist so long as the Church of Scientology gets all the money. Our doctrines require that we do not share any money with lesser and inferior wog R6 implant religions.

      Our Founder would have GO/OSA terminatedly handle Sun Yung Moon per his “Pink Legs” policy as outlined in The Responsibilities of Leaders:

      “Six: When you’re close to power get some delegated to you, enough to do your job and protect yourself and your interests, for you can be shot, fellow, shot, as the position near power is delicious but dangerous, dangerous always, open to the taunts of any enemy of the power who dare not boot the power but can boot you. So to live at all in the shadow or employ of a power, you must yourself gather and USE enough power to hold your own – without just nattering to the power to “kill Pete,” in straightforward or more suppressive veiled ways to him, as these wreck the power that supports yours. He doesn’t have to know all the bad news, and if he’s a power really, he won’t ask all the time, “What are all those dead bodies doing at the door?” And if you are clever, you never let it be thought HE killed them – that weakens you and also hurts the power source. “Well, boss, about those dead bodies, nobody will suppose you did it. She over there, those pink legs sticking out, didn’t like me.” “Well,” he’ll say if he really is a power, “why are you bothering me with it if it’s done and you did it. Where’s my blue ink?” Or “Skipper, three shore patrolmen will be along soon with your cook, Dober, and they’ll want to tell you he beat up Simson?” “Who’s Simson?” “He’s a clerk in the enemy office downtown.” “Good. When they’ve done it, take Dober down to the dispensary for any treatment he needs. Oh yes. Raise his pay.” Or “Sir, could I have the power to sign divisional orders?” “Sure.”


    • 1. Zero

      2. Under IRS rules, the accumulated monies and properties of a failed 501(c)3 tax-exempt organization can only be transferred to another 501(c)3. Thus, when the Church of Scientology fails — and it will very soon if all goes according to schedule — why then all of the money and properties will promptly and legally be transferred to The David Miscavige Relief Society. The monies will be spent primarily to aid and assist David Miscavige in his post-Papal life and livingness on Mustique.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Dear Chairman Dave,

    I would like to know what you have in your pockets. I would also like to know your Desert Island Disc: the song you would choose to boost your spirits if you were shipwrecked and stranded on a desert island.

    Respectfully yours,



    • COB’s pockets, and he has many, contain:

      1. One fully loaded small nickel-plated pistol.

      2. One bag of salted cashews

      3. One rape whistle

      4. Three black AMEX cards

      5. One small hand mirror

      6. One condom

      7. String

      8. One throwaway cellphone that is not his

      9. One Blackberry that is not his

      10. One laminated copy of the Code of a Scientologist

      11. Breath mints in assorted flavors

      12. A small phial of cyanide to be used in the event of imminent capture by Marcabs, Psychs, or wog law enforcement.

      Desert Island Song:


  11. Dear David Chairman:

    I have tried to be a good Scientologist for the last forty years. I recently went to my high school reunion and people there laughed at me and told me that I was an idiot for spending all that time and money in a stupid rotten cult like Scientology. Being a good Scientologist, I kept my TRs in and sent the names and addresses of those SPs to my local OSA officer. While I was at the reunion I spent the rest of the night recruiting and regging those people who weren’t SPs and wouldn’t stop until they at least bought a Dianetics book that I just happened to have on me.

    My question is this: Do you think I am some brainwashed fool and fanatic?


    • Otto, you are dedicated upstat 100% “On Source” Scientologist who cares so very, very, very deeply about Planetary Dissemination, this unlike the dilettantes who “don’t mention Scientology” because they can’t confront what it takes to handle the 75,000,000 year old catastrophe and the resultant 4th Dynamic engram that has kept this sector of the universe locked in a state of slavery to a diabolical series of implant.

      One related question: Did you send the proceeds of the book sale uplines after deducting your FSM commission? COB needs that money.


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