Jesus Christ Scientologist

jesus-calls-wallpapers“If Jesus Christ were alive today he would be a Scientologist,” declared Scientology OT John Travolta.

“I say this because a person can be a Scientologist and still practice their own religion.”

“And since Jesus was a Christian, he could still be a Christian while practicing Scientology.”

“In fact,” Travolta added, “if Jesus had been a Scientologist back then when he, when he was alive, Scientology could have prevented his death. This is true of anyone who dies. Scientology can save anyone.”

JTLike I said in 2007, Scientology could have prevented Anna Nicole Smith’s death. Scientology could have saved Elvis, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson. Just go down the list of celebrities who’ve died and Scientology could have saved them.”

“So basically what I do as a Scientology OT,” Travolta remarked, “what happens is that when any celebrity dies I say that Scientology could have helped them.”

25 responses to “Jesus Christ Scientologist

  1. “If Jesus Christ were alive today he would be a Scientologist” and so would Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Gumby, the Pied Piper, Casper the Friendly Ghost…

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  2. Oh my God this is just brilliant! I’m glad I didn’t have a mouth full of coffee when I read this:

    “So basically what I do as a Scientology OT,” Travolta remarked, “what happens is that when any celebrity dies I say that Scientology could have helped them.”

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  3. EVERYTHING John Travolta says is true! How do I know? Because he´s a real Scientology OT who paid millions of $$$$$$$$ to have the truth revealed to him. COB is an OT too – obviously. That´s why we know he speaks nothing but the truth. And that´s why he hasn´t died yet – because he was helped by Scientology.

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  4. Jimbo Threetimes

    Sunday Mass is especially difficult for me as a Catholic OTVIII. I know that Jesus Christ was born, suffered and died so that I may be saved. Yet, I also know that he never existed and is merely an implant from waaayyy back on my whole track.

    So, as you might guess, attending Mass on Sunday can be very awkward. I once spent an entire Mass in a bewildered state due to the civil war being fought in my own mind. My right leg struggled for its freedom to kick myself, but my left foot had my right foot tamped down securely. My left hand wanted only to slap and punch my face, but my right hand had my left wrist pinned down. All the while I’m sobbing and trying desperately trying to head-butt myself. The Mass was a total disaster and I’m ashamed of myself.

    They haven’t kicked me out of the Church, thank God and LRH, but they’ve told me I can only attend Mass if I sit in the soundproof section in the back where parents take crying babies and unruly children. It is beyond embarrassing to sit in there as an adult with no child.

    Please help me, Jesus Ron Hybrid.

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    • Jimbo, we in RTC are bypassing CSI here and ordering you to immediately do The Jesus Rundown, a new ultra-precise technical action that is a part of GAT II.

      In the Jesus Rundown one handles the “Wholetrack Jesus” and not just the glib one-lifer presented in the Bible.

      CSI is assigned the Ethics condition of DANGER for failing to handle you on Jesus.

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    • As a Catholic OTVIII, you have a third datum to take into consideration, viz. that Jesus was a lover of men and young boys and prone to filthy rages.

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      • Jimbo Threeman

        Of course He loved all men and women and especially children. He was a Light to guide them. And yes, He would’ve worn filthy rags as you say, because he was not rich. This is not a “third” datum to consider as you say. This is common knowledge.

        I do have my own datum for you to consider: On a secular blog that honors only satire and humor, the most offensive property you can attach to any comment is unfunny.

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  5. Jesus Christ Scientologist?

    Okay, Jesus Christ Superstar makes sense in that context.

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  6. I notice JT failed to mention being able to save Philip Seymour Hoffman. Scientologists are second to Muslims with their “don’t dis the prophet or we’ll fucking kill you” fervor.

    PSH seriously tore the founder a new asshole with his portrayal. His punishment will therefore be eternal.

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  7. Everyone is a Scientology after they die.

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  8. I think COB is the new Jesus. Only this time he´s so much more successful. The first time around he only had 12 followers. Now he has 12 million.

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    • Birgit gets it about COB and that is why we in RTC have placed a commendation in her Ethics file.

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    • Obviously the new Jesus has far, far, far more followers than the old one. He never made it past Clear while COB has reached at least OTXX!!! Those super powers, which only he controls, allows our Dear Leader to tirelessly KSW even when sleeping or engaging in what might appear to be nothing more than leisure activities!!! That’s why he deserves the big bucks, but, of course, our humble COB never engages in any activities that the IRS might describe as enurement.

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  9. You are just a darling!
    THANK YOU!!!

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  10. Of course Jesus Christ is Scientologist. I know at least 5 scientologists who claimed to be Jesus Christ. It only makes sense. Full circle of theta!
    Thanks, Goran Tromolta, Jebdzik Miscrown and Elle Roy Hrrumel!

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  11. Unfortunately Scientology was not able to help this man……..what´s his name…..Lafayette Ron Hubbard…….?!

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  12. Still on your side

    “Say in ain’t so, Jo”hn! Are you really that dumb!!

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