Tag Archives: Jesus

Archeo-Scientologists Discover an Intact 75-Million Year Old Spaceplane!

Just as the discovery of 50,000 year old fossilized e-meter shocked the world and proved the antiquity of Scientology, the latest discovery by Dr. Ken Delusion’s team of Archeo-Scientologists is guaranteed to stun the world!

After using hundreds of bulldozers and over a million tons of dynamite to clear cut over one million acres of pristine Andean rain forest, Dr. Delusion and his team today discovered an intact DC-8 spaceplane that crash-landed 75,000,000 years ago near one of the principal volcanoes of Earth.

“This is huge. Just huge,” exclaimed Dr. Delusion. “The haters mock Scientology over claims that (redacted) kidnapped trillions of people on other planets 75,000,000 years ago and dumped them into the volcanoes of Earth — which was then called Teegeeack — but our discovery of the DC-8 spaceplane proves Incident II of OT III actually happened!”

“Archeo-Scientology has far exceeded anything the Mormons have produced in their dubious archeological attempts to prove that Jesus was in North America preaching to New World Jews.”

“Yeah, right,” sniffed Dr. Delusion. “A blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned Jesus flew over from Jerusalem on El Al and preached to Jewish Incas. The guy would’ve needed a lot of sunscreen along the equator. Whatever. I don’t care so long as the Mormons let we in Scientology keep our money in their Zions Bank to conceal, err, protect it.” In related news, the Nation of Islam has applauded the work and opinions of Dr. Delusion and his team of highly trained Archeo-Scientologists.

Scientology leader David Miscavige is the greatest spiritual leader in history

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Scientology leader David Miscavige is the greatest spiritual leader in history. He is greater than Jesus, Buddha, etc.

David Miscavige Accepts Jesus as His Personal Savior

jesus-calls-wallpapersDavid Miscavige clutched a Bible in his hands. He humbly stared down at his feet and began slowly speaking.

“I am a changed man since I accepted Jesus as my personal lord and savior… I see the error of my ways, the lies, the abuse… it was all wrong.”

“I grew up in the Church of Scientology… I didn’t know any better… I didn’t know it was wrong to lie, to beat people, and to take people’s money by making them buy the same old books and trophies over and over. I am… I must confess, the hapless victim of a religious cult.”

DM,101“But now I’m a new man and I want to begin a new life.”

“I want to turn over a new leaf. My plan is to open and fund a charity to help people at the scenes of accidents. To teach children how to read….”

“Oh please! Let me stop you right there Mr. Miscavige,” said the Federal judge. “I am not swayed by your religious conversion. The court rejects your plea for clemency and sentences you to twenty-five years to life!”

“Bailiffs! Take him away!”

David Miscavige awoke from yet another nightmare, his third one in a week.

Scientology OTVIII Grant Cardone on Jesus

We in RTC applaud Scientology OTVIII Grant Cardone for his very deep and profound view of Jesus.

It comes near the very end:

Jesus Christ Scientologist

jesus-calls-wallpapers“If Jesus Christ were alive today he would be a Scientologist,” declared Scientology OT John Travolta.

“I say this because a person can be a Scientologist and still practice their own religion.”

“And since Jesus was a Christian, he could still be a Christian while practicing Scientology.”

“In fact,” Travolta added, “if Jesus had been a Scientologist back then when he, when he was alive, Scientology could have prevented his death. This is true of anyone who dies. Scientology can save anyone.”

JTLike I said in 2007, Scientology could have prevented Anna Nicole Smith’s death. Scientology could have saved Elvis, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson. Just go down the list of celebrities who’ve died and Scientology could have saved them.”

“So basically what I do as a Scientology OT,” Travolta remarked, “what happens is that when any celebrity dies I say that Scientology could have helped them.”

COB’s Trifecta of Technology!

commisarWe in RTC are pleased to announce that all of our yesterdays of misapplication, misduplication, misemotion, and yes, misspent decades due to arbitraries have been wholly blown away in a day, and that was the day COB conceived his stroke of genius, his Trifecta of Technology, and by that we unmistakably mean Ideal Orgs, GAT II, and the new ultra-precise Mark Ultra VIII E-Meter.

 

jesus-calls-wallpapersWhereupon, we mean what we say: These planetary-changing marvels are epochal in nature, which is to say that, yes, they herald the EP of 50,000 years of thinking men who longed for truth but could not attain it due to R6 implants and so, yes, even Jesus and Buddha can finally go free in their present lifetimes. They can go free of the 75,000,000 year old catastrophe and finally attain the states of Clear and OT.

 

annie carolineWe invite Jesus and Buddha, wherever they are in the present lifetimes, to head to their nearest Ideal Org and declare, “I Want to GO OT!” Of course, they will first “go Life Repair” to sort out their deep personal problems and implants.

We in RTC look forward to hearing the success stories of Jesus and Buddha from the stage of Flag very soon — and we say very soon because, with all stops and barriers blown away by COB, Scientologists are rocketing up the Bridge in record times in direct ratio to the speed by which they increase their IAS Patron statuses.