Did someone say grand opening?
Why yes they did. To be specific, Chairman Miscavige of the People’s Committee for Grand Openings of Already Opened Buildings will be re-grand-opening AOLA and ASHO!
The buildings are festooned with ribbons and the excitement is in the air! Tens of millions of Scientologists are pouring into Los Angeles for this most important-ever event in the entire history of the universe.
“Chairman Miscavige’s seven hour speech will be broadcast live to billions of people globally,” enthused Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, CO Office of Ecclesiastical Bloviation and Torture.
“And COB will have much to say, particularly about the lack of enthusiasm for donations.”
“And just as COB put in ethics on Comrade Boris Putin, so too is COB going to slam in ethics on all of the CICS parishioners who have been ordered to show up for the Grand Opening.”
“All of these dilettante pantywaist parishioners are dramatizing psychotics guilty of splattering their cases all over the internet, the Church, and COB!”
“Well let me tell you this,” Comrade Wonderman declared, “behind all of the pretty satin bows and bunting at the Grand Opening there will be ecclesiastical beatings going on inside the walls!”
“The beatings will not stop until $25,000,000 is raised for the IAS.”
Yes, grand opening, with many helicopters.
$25million is a paltry sum for the tens of millions who will be attending the opening. I say that the ecclesiastical beatings shouldn’t stop until at least $1 billion has been raised.
The purpose of Scientology is to make the able more able. You won’t find anyone more able, more hardworking, more competent, more dedicated, more compassionate, and more humble than your friendly neighborhood COB David Miscavige! It is utterly critical that this man above all men has his ability increased. (Especially his financial ability!)
That Cob, he does know how to plan a grand opening. Heard he is going to drop bottles of CalMag and niacin on the crowd below. Be careful not to get tangled up in the ribbon and bows cobster, we want you to live a long life at a federal address.
I am so with COB’s push for global domination, but what forms do I have to file to at least get a new mattress that is thicker than 2″ and doesn’t smell like hundreds of previous SO’s days worth of filth, body odor, urine, puke and shit. Also, If anyone finds a gold tooth lying around, it’s mine. It must have fallen out recently while I was asleep. Luckily, my bunk mate gave me an SRA and thetan altering touch assist when I realized it was gone. It’s odd that your asshole hurts when a tooth falls out, but my bunk mate, an OTVII, assured me that this is the norm. How can I not trust him as he is so much more theta than me and reminds me of this everyday. Gotta go hit the sauna, I hear there’s a guarantee of a free bridge if you are able to donate a liver to COB at a moment’s call if you are pure. Don’t wanna miss out on that chance.
“Grand Openings of already opened buildings is a grand way to celebrate grandness,” said Jimmy Wonderman, Supreme Officer of the Scientology Department of Redundancy Department.
Johnny L,you really cog on the very important work we are doing here. Welcome aboard. Grab a bunk, get yourself sec checked, and then report in as our newest PR professional. Your desk is in Bldg C, Section 7, Annex 16, Hallway 9, Office 111c, cubicle 578.
Actually, today (March 8) is International Women’s Day. Is Davey treating Shelly to a nice clambake dinner?
Who’s this Shelly person you speak of? She can’t be very important since our Glorious Leader has never mentioned her.
Much like his predecessor, COB has never been married, and anyone who dares to suggest otherwise will earn a trip to the nearest ethics office. Any photos allegedly from COB’s wedding were faked by the various enemies of Scientology.
Any large crowds at the ceremony are likewise faked or photoshopped.
Frank Wonderman issued the following press release after reading this post: “We will bury you! (And if Miscavige paid me, I could afford shoes, and then you ‘d be sorry…..)