Tag Archives: Dr. Frank Wonderman

Budget Drastically Slashed for L. Ron Hubbard’s 2018 Birthday Event

“Due to the extreme global statcrash in Scientology’s gross income brought about by a certain suppressive television show, Ron’s 2018 birthday event will be held at Dwayne and Helen Schuman’s home in Van Nuys,” announced Dr. Frank Wonderman. “Tickets are $155 each. Please RSVP to Dwayne and Helen by March 1 so they can order sufficient cakes and pies from Theta Catering Services.”

Dr. Frank Wonderman. Supreme Scientology Finance Dictator

“As the newly-appointed Supreme Scientology Finance Dictator, I must implement harsh austerity measures such as this,” Dr. Wonderman stated. “COB has further decreed that  wasting lavish sums of money each year dramatizing Ron’s birthday is now out ethics in Scientology’s dire time of poverty.”

“COB has also announced a new monthly IAS donation plan to enable all of the dragass downstat publics in the field to give a little something each month. This monthly plan is being done to allow these DB’s to keep their exchange in with the Church.”

I’m a Scientologist at my Org but a Wog everywhere else


Dr. Frank Wonderman

A guest column by Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director of Parishioner Interrogation & Surveillance Services

The recent 1,000+ parishioner interrogations, or sec checks, my department has conducted revealed a shocking fact: Fully 95% of Scientologists will only admit to being Scientologists when they are in their Orgs!

Everywhere else these theetie-wheetie, dilettante, no-confront Scientologists pretend to be Wogs so they can “blend in” and not be ridiculed for paying a fortune to belong to a strange group of lunatic cultists led by a violent narcissistic named David Miscavige.

While these perceptions are utterly false, for indeed Scientology is the most ethical and sane group to appear on  this planet in the last 75,000,000 years, the more important set of alternate facts at work are these:

  • We as Scientologists have never been closer to making planetary clearing a reality
  • There has never been a better time to call yourself a Scientologist
  • Scientology is now 50% better than it was before GAT II

It is true. With the release of OTIX and OTX we are now very close to clearing the planet. And of course, as COB has stated, we need to make every Org and every Continent Ideal. We also need to shatter all suppression and blow all the stops to planetary clearing.

All of this costs money and so COB needs you to up your IAS status now. Accordingly, the Reverend Doctor Alfreddie Johnson is touring all of the Orgs to encourage Scientologists to up their IAS statuses. Up your status today and you will receive many special trophies, medals, and fancy gold lapel pins. These glistening prizes will, once again, surely make you proud to be a Scientologist.


Ideal Pacifica Bridge Execs Busted as STATCRASHERS!


Dr. Frank Wonderman, CO INT Statcrash Police

Dr. Frank Wonderman, CO INT Statcrash Police, today announced that all of the execs of the Ideal Pacifica Bridge (AOLA, ASHO and LA Org) have been busted and were ordered imprisoned for fifty years each following a Comm Ev.”

“96 continuous hours of sec checking revealed  these Trotskyite Wreckers and Diversionaries to have been sent in by SMERSH in an attempt to destroy Scientology Organizations in Los Angeles,” declared Dr. Wonderman.

“The blasphemous criminals initially attempted to blame the massive statcrash in Los Angeles on the Church’s astronomical prices coupled with the public’s complete distrust and utter contempt for the Church of Scientology. From the mouths of these same filthy self-admitted liars and perjurers also came the claim that the public perceives the Church of Scientology as a cult! These are all clearly false lies, Marcab propaganda, and enemy Black PR. The proof is this: The Founder reliably informs us that the public is clamoring for Scientology!”

“Moreover, has not COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige, the Great Humanitarian himself, told us that Scientology is expanding at rates that only be measured in light year kilotons per microsecond? Yes he has. Why just last week at the grand opening of the Atlanta Ideal Org, I myself personally witnessed 3,000,000 people in attendance. The crowds were so great that we ran out of free pizza and had to order more. This is true.”

“The statcrash in Los Angeles, then, is an aberration, an exception, to the massive international Scientology expansion that is happening everywhere else across the nineteen continents and 15,901 countries of this planet.”

“A new management team has been installed in the Ideal Pacifica Bridge.”

“PAC Security has also been increased to keep the drug-using and syphilis-infested locals from the rundown slum of Echo Park away from the Ideal Pacifica Bridge.”



Mike Rowe Declared a “Looming Threat” to the Church of Scientology


We in the Church of Scientology have been informed by our wog lawyers that celebrity Mike Rowe has joined forces with the Psychs by openly and publicly supporting Spanky Taylor.  Per Scientol0gy scripture this is a high crime and Rowe has been added to the Scientology Enemies List of 1,892,504,211 Suppressive Persons and growing.

“The looming threat to Scientology posed by Mike Rowe is that he may inspire other celebrities to take a public stand against the Church of Scientology,:” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “This would be a very bad thing as we in Scientology have always claimed celebrities as our exclusive property to control with our intensive mental hygiene program known as auditing.”

“We don’t appreciate Mr. Rowe, or any other celebrity for that matter, poking their big fat noses into Scientology’s business,” Delusion added. “And so for this reason Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has ordered emergency measures be taken.”


Fleet Admiral Miscavige is extremely concerned about the powerful new and emerging “SP Celebrity Centre” clustering around Going Clear and the Underground Bunker.

RTC Emergency Directive Q has been ordered: The Scientology A Team will confront and shatter suppression. Mike Rowe will be handled by this hard-hitting team of Scientology nuclear physicists:

And yes, Minister Farrakhan is a Scientologist. He has a duty to step in and help confront and shatter fourth dynamic suppression.

Knowledge Report: Blake Silber, VP Bridge Publications

March 11, 2014

RTC Reports Officer

OSA INT Linda Hamel


Freewinds MAA



HCO Bridge Publications Inc.

MAA Bridge Publications Inc.


Blake Silber, VP, Bridge Publications Inc.

An entheta website today described criminal and defeatist natter spoken by Blake Silber, Vice President, Bridge Publications Inc. Out of his own treasonous mouth, Silber informed unknown disaffected persons — “water cooler comments” they were called — about secret Church data.

Example: Silber informed these disaffected persons that Chairman Miscavige has ordered 60,000 new Ultra Mark VIII e-meters to be built and ordered sold to Scientologists. Some of these will be highly deluxe collectible e-meters priced at $100,000 USD or the equivalent in other wog currencies.


Comrade Silber then exclaimed, “There are like, at best, at most, maybe… uh, maybe like 14,000 Scientologists on active lines worldwide… that’s a liberal figure. A really liberal figure. On frequent lines the new surveys indicate just barely over 9,700 Scientologists on active service lines; that’s worldwide, not just America. We still have over 18,000 Ultra’s sitting in the warehouse and the rest sitting in org bookstores worldwide.”


I myself have wondered if Comrade Silber is not himself, if perhaps he is, shall we say… disaffected? I say this as Comrade Silber’s physical universe actions cause me to wonder why he will not instantly jump to obey Command Intention and act with great urgency to pre-sell all 60,000 new e-meters so as to flow power to Chairman Miscavige. Why is Comrade Silber not presently doing what is needed and wanted by Chairman Miscavige? Why is he instead nattering and engaging in the worst sort of defeatist propaganda?


Whereupon, my dear comrades, it must become evident that Comrade Silber is in a criminal valence: For his defeatist talk implies that there are not enough Scientologists in the entire world to purchase a paltry 60,000 new e-meters. And yet what do we know to be true?  What we know to be true is that Chairman Miscavige has boomed international statistics to their highest ever levels. The surveys my office has conducted have reliably informed Chairman Miscavige that the Church actually needs hundreds of millions of new e-meters!


I myself saw 5,280 Scientologists attend the grand opening of AOLA and ASHO this past weekend. By the simple expedient of selling them each two new e-meters *POW!* 10,560 new e-meters are sold in one day!  But did Comrade Silber make this simple calculation? No! He instead trafficked in defeatist talk and thereby acted to put sabotage on Chairman Miscavige’s lines and bring the Church and all of our social betterment sectors into wide disrepute!


The traitorous Blake Silber must be investigated immediately to ascertain the truth of two matters:


1. His evil purposes against Chairman Miscavige and the Church.


2. The exact day, hour, and minute he was sent in by Psychiatry.


This is true.


Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman

The Naked Facts of Suppression

An Essay and Call to Action by Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman

khrushchev-1With what are the declared SP’s connected?

They are connected, first of all, to their own unhandled ARC break over Chairman Miscavige’s necessary GAT I redefinition of a floating needle (F/N) to three-needle-swings.

For if we are to state the truth of the matter, the old definition of an F/N was too loose and gave false wins.

These false wins created an equally false euphoria and consequent false attests to the state of Clear (or even OT in a few rare cases) in the ignorant class of professional preclears (publics) from whence these declared SP’s originated.

However, as their later actions would prove, this ignorant class of professional preclears were merely euphoric dilettantes whose glibbidity was surpassed only by their hidden suppression — a hidden suppression that was eventually located and shattered by the heroic actions of our own unfailing internal security apparatus.

Whereupon, it logically follows to that in order to make the Founder’s books readable, and thereby to put in context his epochal three-needle-swing F/N, Chairman Miscavige reissued the Basics in 2007 as a personal favor to this ignorant class of professional preclears.

But even this glorious triumph of technical majesty was not enough for the ignorant class of professional preclears. No, this class proved ungrateful and even hostile.


Chairman David Leonoid Miscavige

These professional preclears proved themselves to be suppressive wreckers when they later  openly declared themselves SP’s in unspeakable acts of online aggression and mutiny  towards Chairman Miscavige and the Church itself.

In doing so, they attacked mankind’s only hope of salvation. And for this reason, our internal security apparatus acted to protect our glorious technical revolution and the endangered repute of Chairman Miscavige.

Wog Encirclement

Wog Encirclement

An Essay and Call to Action by Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman


Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman.
IAS Legion of Golden Honors with Crossed Swords Status

What are the facts which our Church of Scientology comrades have forgotten about, or which they simply have not noticed, or about which they have doped off?

What our dilettantish comrades are not noticing is the Wog Encirclement of our Ideal Orgs.

What our lazy and puerile comrades have forgotten about is that we have a Planet to Clear.

Chairman Miscavige appeared yesterday for the Grand Opening of the People’s Organizations of AOLA and ASHO.

But what did Chairman Miscavige see with his own eyes?

He saw Wog Encirclement on all sides. Los Angeles has not been cleared and is in fact plotting on all sides against the Church of Scientology.

Chairman Miscavige additionally saw spectatorism of the worst type.

Man_eating_pizza_photoHe saw boorish, lazy, and indifferent public Scientology comrades who appeared at the Grand Opening only as spectators and only to stuff their faces with free pie, cake, and pizza.

And even when fortified with carbohydrates and sugar, these lazy Scientology comrades refused to make a howling charge over the ramparts to attack and destroy the Wog protesters who were situated a mere ten meters away from the Org.

 This is what Chairman Miscavige means when he speaks of Wog Encirclement and how Scientology comrades refuse to do anything about it.



We have an accepted habit of chattering about Wog encirclement, but our comrades don’t want to ponder about what Wog encirclement means and the dangers it poses. No, they would rather gorge themselves on pie, cake, and pizza while mouthing platitudes from the Founder – as if mouthing platitudes were a replacement for smashing wog protesters and obliterating Wog Encirclement.

Wog encirclement — it is not an empty phrase; it is a very real and unpleasant phenomenon. It reads on the meter.

TSAR.DAVEIs it clear that for as long as we have Wog Encirclement, we shall have wreckers, spies, diversionists, and obliterators sent to our rear by agents of SMERSH. This is what happened yesterday and it is why Chairman Miscavige left in disgust and revulsion after ten minutes.

The fact is that Church of Scientology is swimming with spies, defeatists, and wreckers who seek a return to an imagined time in the 1970’s when they claim things were so much better.  To which we say, “Come Up to Present Time!”