Church of Scientology to Implant Members

“As part of GAT II, COB RTC David Miscavige has ordered all Church of Scientology parishioners to be implanted with a special RFID (NSA grade) chip that will track their movements and online activity,” announced Church spokesman Ken Delusion at his weekly press briefing.

chip.1“The new RTC implant is mandatory for all Church parishioners — including Sea Org members,” added Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Executive Director of Parishioner Safety.

“We cannot be too safe in this present Atmosphere of Suppression,” Dr. Wonderman emphasized, “and so we are taking the necessary steps to protect Church parishioners from the internet. But more importantly we are protecting them from themselves.”

chip.2“Church of Scientology parishioners simply cannot be trusted,” Dr. Wonderman noted.

Delusion stated that, “The implant will be installed by our wog security agency Talon Executive Services.”

“The implant is inserted using a large medical lance. It is quite painful upon injection and for that reason moderate sedation must be used.”

chip.4“RTC reserves the right to install certain commands into parishioners while they are under sedation.”

“This Ecclesiastical PDH is allowed under new guidelines issued by COB in order to enhance donation cooperation and total obedience,” Delusion concluded.

22 replies »

  1. I always thought, that video surveillance and barb wire fences, to keep Sea Org members in line, would be quite insufficient, if one really wanted to keep security in on Scientology as a whole. This chip is a major step forward. What a brilliant application of the KRC triangle! Yes, the church is truly taking responsibility. So, it is only natural, that increased knowledge and control of the parishioners would follow. This is the way to OT as a religious movement! Now, it is only a matter of time, for the church to completely exteriorize from the physical universe.


  2. Great idea!! I’m sure this will placate all resistance to GAT III in a few years. I heard a 10 year old from Portland was the test subject. It worked so well with her that COB authorized a mass roll out.

    Hip Hip Hooray!!


  3. Since I have already re-completed my purify, and this new procedure requires sedation, will I need to re-re-do my purify?

    And if I may, when under sedation, can you please use the command on me “you are Dolph Lungren….you are Dolph Lungren….” until I have VGI’s?


    • Excellent spotting wogs suck. Of course the sedation will require a redo of the Purif — and that is why in a previous column we mentioned that the Purif must be redone 12x before one can EP it. All of that sedation from the implant has to be run out for true Purification to occur. COB ordered 12x because he is a Tech genius.


  4. Gosh Mr. OT 8 is Great,!

    You are such a welcome mind and voice in this subject’s history!

    You’ve done years of superior commenting and humor, just so illuminating to us old time ex dupes of the movment!

    I was in for 27 years, in the lifetime staff category, I trained thousands of staff on their jobs in Scientology organizations, I was a true dedicated follower, and due to my positions over the years I was in, I had to understand all the wacky details of Hubbard’s theory and his rule system, and the rule system for all Scientologists.

    I even worked on the “Review” justice bodies of the movement, trying to repair out own damage to people’s lives. Hubbard is so wacky, so intricate in his “church” policies, that whole behind the scenes dull mountain of details that keep the staff members running on auto pilot is still to be dully laid out.

    Your humor, your participation in even cleverly commenting is such a mental reliief Mr. Great!

    Chuck Beatty
    ex Sea Org 1975-2003


  5. Another thought regarding the implanted GPS device, would be to give it a clever name.

    Trained marketing staff at the highest ranks would have coordinated and provided a clever suitable (and surveyed) name for the GPS device, and it would COST them.

    The members would have been SOLD this device, it would never be given away.

    Hubbard was always prolific about having his “LRH properties” packaged and sold!

    Hubbard, always, thought of remuneration, to keep the whole show going, the personnel were frankly secondary to the degree that the personnel countered his “3rd Dynamic” goal of ensuring the organizations persisted, and damn the members if they couldn’t “keep up” or were “incompetent” at following and executing his un-executable orders!

    Man you are I have to say, the funniest writers alive writing on Scientology and it’s wierdnesses!

    Chuck Beatty
    ex member, ex staffer Sea Org 1975-2003


    • Dear Mr. Beatty, you are so spot on that parishioners will pay and pay and pay to be implanted with this new microchip.

      And get this part: All e-meters have been retrofitted so that if the RF from the chip is not detected guess what? The meter will not work. No session occurs and is in fact followed by a trip to Ethics for a $50,000 cycle on CI to COB. OSA likes to work over CICS using a good old fashioned phone book


  6. It’s not all fun and games here for Frank Wonderman. His wog brother Jimmy is responsible for the banning of all Dianetic Clears and OTs from Jeopardy and the Olympic Games.


    • Mention that SP Jimmy Wonderman around COB and POW! A knuckle sandwich, two black eyes, and a bloody nose! And the US speedskating team? They refused to the Purif, refused auditing, refused to go all in for $5,000,000 for our help — they wouldn’t even put in an Org Board — and now look: Disaster! No medals. All other teams from other 15,901 countries of the world got medals but not those SP’s and their special speedskating suits that work about as good as a Quantum meter, which is to say doesn’t work at all.


  7. We don’t need no special speedskating suits! If we could just get some OTs out there on the track they could postulate Gold Medals out the wazoo.


  8. How does the tracking unit work when you go exterior? And does that cost extra?

    Stupid question! Of course it does. I meant how much extra?


  9. Gosh, it really makes me feel good to see how much the Church cares! They are now using chips to keep track of members! That is so upstat of them! I wish they had had these “redemption chips” back in the day!


  10. What a great idea, using implant chips to track parishioner movements and online activity. This is without doubt a great leap forward OTVIII but what about OBEDIENCE? That’s right, how do we enforce COMPLIANCE?

    The following link is to a Ren & Stimpy cartoon that deals with the notion of a Happy Helmet. You get to control the happiness level of the person wearing the helmet. You can actually force someone to be happy against their will. Sure this is just a cartoon but the concept is intriguing and certainly worth pursuing–definitely something to postulate! Perhaps someone at RTC could develop a Happy Helmet prototype along the lines of a The Super Quantum E-meter. Happy, happy, joy, joy to Scientologists everywhere!



  11. We here at the Galactic Confederacy endorse COB’s latest efforts to “protect” his parishioners through implanted RFIDs. May I also suggest the use of a Remote Shock/Vibration Dog Training Collar as well. The below link is an example of a collar with 100 levels of shock. It goes without saying that the highest shock is administered when any thoughts or actions of not donating money occur.


  12. Implanting all Sea Org members with a GPS-enabled transmitter could easily cut the Blow Drill budget and staffing requirements by up to 90% — no more wild goose chases, dead ends, and wasted time searching for escapees who ditch their cellphones and pay for everything in cash while on the run.


  13. What a genius idea. Just goes to show what a forward thinker COB is. And Think of all the money that will be saved on manpower and hiring pi’s just to get a check on where ones location is.
    This is plainly for the greatest good across the greatest number of dynamics. As only the criminal with massive withholds and hidden blood sex crimes would say no to this.


  14. You people are so stupid-that chip is THE MARK OF THE BEAST- and all of you who receive it will suffer an eternal fire and brimstone-Satan really got you idiots fooled. You know Scientology is nothing more than a stupid scam!


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