“As part of GAT II, COB RTC David Miscavige has ordered all Church of Scientology parishioners to be implanted with a special RFID (NSA grade) chip that will track their movements and online activity,” announced Church spokesman Ken Delusion at his weekly press briefing.
“We cannot be too safe in this present Atmosphere of Suppression,” Dr. Wonderman emphasized, “and so we are taking the necessary steps to protect Church parishioners from the internet. But more importantly we are protecting them from themselves.”
Delusion stated that, “The implant will be installed by our wog security agency Talon Executive Services.”
“The implant is inserted using a large medical lance. It is quite painful upon injection and for that reason moderate sedation must be used.”
“This Ecclesiastical PDH is allowed under new guidelines issued by COB in order to enhance donation cooperation and total obedience,” Delusion concluded.