Church of Scientology Lowers Drug Murders in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico by 83%

TWTH.1“The Way to Happiness is responsible for reducing drug murders in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico by 83%,” enthused Dr. Frank Wonderman, the Executive Director of The Way to Happiness Foundation.

“What happened down there in Mexico,” Wonderman commented, “was that the police with all of their fancy machine guns, grenade launchers, and helicopters couldn’t stop all of the drug crimes and drug murders.”

“The Juarez Federal Police were truly helpless,” Wonderman declared. “And so that’s when they turned to the Church of Scientology for safe and effective solutions to crime.”

“Those Mexican police, they knew we in the Church of Scientology are the experts on the mind.”

“They also know we’re the experts on crime,” Wonderman observed.

“And so, by golly, when we got their call for help we called in a translator because, for some reason, there are no, uh… there are no Mexicans in the Church of Scientology senior management here in Los Angeles. It’s all old white people.”

“Anyway, the global ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion Mr. David Miscavige fired off the Squirrel Busters to Juarez armed with about 5,000,000 copies of The Way to Happiness!”

“The Squirrel Busters got in their special golf cart and went down there to Juarez to handle the armed drug warlords, wrenching poverty, disease, despair, and violence.”

“The Squirrel Busters showed the Mexican Federal Police how real crime fighting is done — and that is by passing out copies of The Way to Happiness.”

“Date coincident with the Squirrel Busters handing out The Way to Happiness,ย  POW! monthly homicides in Juarez dropped.”

“What happened was that drug lords laid down their guns, people stopped taking dope, drug smugglers saw what they were doing was wrong, and all of the drug dealers got together at the Juarez Ideal Org and said “NO!” to big fat drug profits, literally suitcases crammed full of US $100 bills just like COB has stashed away there on the ship.”

“We did the same thing for Ireland last year by dropping the drug crime rate there by an incredible 85%!”

“No need to thank us,” Wonderman chirpily concluded, “we in the Church of Scientology were just doing our job.”

10 responses to “Church of Scientology Lowers Drug Murders in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico by 83%

  1. This action by the Church of Scientology should pave the way for the next Disney World expansion in Ciudad Juarez.

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  2. They modestly forgot to mention that the birthrate soared as all those thetans, banished by bullets, swarmed into new bodies. Gonna need a Juarez Ideal Org soon.

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  3. โ€œ’They also know weโ€™re the experts on crime,’ Wonderman observed.”

    Spot on! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. Speedy Gonzales approves this message:

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  5. You now owe me 2 keyboards and at least 3 pairs of pants from hardcore lolling to the point of accident! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  6. (checking in from a friend’s computer) TWTH is one of the greatest gifts to mankind.Thank you lrh!!! My theta was flowing more than billions of volcanoes erupting at once when I read this great news!!!! However, I must advise others of us not to look into this any further than what is stated. When I typed in a few key words into those internets and was presented with a myriad of pop up psych windows/ads and then my computer crashed. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Just in case I did anything wrong I wrote a KR on myself and can’t tell you how much charge I blew when my 2 AM SO visitors brought me in for a correction. I am told that I am now more myself again. KSW muthafukas, KSW.

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  7. The number of arrests for selling marijuana in the states of Colorado and Washington has plummeted in recent months. This Clearly is another big win for Scientology!!!!

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  8. How someone can keep a straight face while riding in that golf cart and being part of that assemblage, I have no idea.

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    • A complete lack of shame is just one of the amazing powers that OTs have! If you donated as much money to COS as these fine people, you would have the same ability!

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    • The people in that golf cart are there so that millions of people around the world can shoot up the Bridge to total independence.

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