Tag Archives: crime

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:

 

Church of Scientology Lowers Drug Murders in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico by 83%

TWTH.1“The Way to Happiness is responsible for reducing drug murders in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico by 83%,” enthused Dr. Frank Wonderman, the Executive Director of The Way to Happiness Foundation.

“What happened down there in Mexico,” Wonderman commented, “was that the police with all of their fancy machine guns, grenade launchers, and helicopters couldn’t stop all of the drug crimes and drug murders.”

“The Juarez Federal Police were truly helpless,” Wonderman declared. “And so that’s when they turned to the Church of Scientology for safe and effective solutions to crime.”

“Those Mexican police, they knew we in the Church of Scientology are the experts on the mind.”

“They also know we’re the experts on crime,” Wonderman observed.

“And so, by golly, when we got their call for help we called in a translator because, for some reason, there are no, uh… there are no Mexicans in the Church of Scientology senior management here in Los Angeles. It’s all old white people.”

“Anyway, the global ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion Mr. David Miscavige fired off the Squirrel Busters to Juarez armed with about 5,000,000 copies of The Way to Happiness!”

“The Squirrel Busters got in their special golf cart and went down there to Juarez to handle the armed drug warlords, wrenching poverty, disease, despair, and violence.”

“The Squirrel Busters showed the Mexican Federal Police how real crime fighting is done — and that is by passing out copies of The Way to Happiness.”

“Date coincident with the Squirrel Busters handing out The Way to Happiness,  POW! monthly homicides in Juarez dropped.”

“What happened was that drug lords laid down their guns, people stopped taking dope, drug smugglers saw what they were doing was wrong, and all of the drug dealers got together at the Juarez Ideal Org and said “NO!” to big fat drug profits, literally suitcases crammed full of US $100 bills just like COB has stashed away there on the ship.”

“We did the same thing for Ireland last year by dropping the drug crime rate there by an incredible 85%!”

“No need to thank us,” Wonderman chirpily concluded, “we in the Church of Scientology were just doing our job.”