In the wake of last week’s unprecedented ambush helicopter raid of Flag Land Base by two bitter defrocked apostates hellbent on spying on the Church of Scientology, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige ordered WWII era barrage balloons deployed over Flag.
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige is determined to stop all future SP incursions into Scientology airspace,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “And for this reason the barrage balloons went up around Flag. These barrage balloons will make it impossible for helicopters to fly low over the base and spy on us!”
“On a related matter,” Delusion added, “if the City of Clearwater wasn’t secretly controlled by the Psychs, we in the Church of Scientology would have the right to purchase and own 88mm antiaircraft guns to handle any airborne SP’s. But no! The Scientology haters in City Hall think they have the right to say ‘no’ to everything we do!”
“We in the Church of Scientology can’t even cut down our own trees or build a giant tent with our garish and overwrought religious symbols on it without the City jumping all over us. So yes, we expect to catch some flack from the Psychs at City Hall about our new unpermitted barrage ball0ons,” Delusion snorted. “But we’ll just pay their penny-ante fines and keep our barrage balloons in place thank you very much!”
“In happier news,” Delusion noted, “the final audited attendance for the opening of GAT II and Super Power was 33,867,912 Scientologists and various well-wishers and dignitaries including wog president Brent Obama and his wife Melinda.”
Mr. Miscavige’s message was loud and clear: Scientologists can now crank the dial way up past 11… all the way to Super Power!