David Miscavige’s Personal Astrologer Advises Aluminium Shield for the Tent at Flag Land Base

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COB RTC David Miscavige’s personal astrologer Jyotisha-Vastu

COB RTC David Miscavige’s personal Vedic astrologer Jyotisha-Vastu advised COB several months ago to seal his giant circus tent against “Suppression Waves” coming in from the wog internet.

“Jyotisha-Vastu had a vision, a reverie,” explained Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion, “in which he saw that  COB’s Ecclesiastical Pavilion needed to be wrapped in an aluminum enclosure. And so why the clever Sea Org members at Golden Era designed a special lightweight aluminum cover.”

“COB had the bright idea to paint it white and put that giant KSW logo on it,” Delusion commented. “We think the end result looks pretty spectacular.”

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“The new  aluminum cover will protect Scientology parishioners from the trillions and trillions of Electromagnetic Suppression Waves that are constantly flying around the atmosphere as well as coming in from outer space all the time,” Delusion declared.

“That’s how the Suppressive Science of the internet works — and now we just beat Science at it’s own game by using tinfoil!”

Our new motto in the Church of Scientology: Safe Under the Tinfoil!

“Safe under the tinfoil,” Delusion noted, “Scientology parishioners are now free to disagree with their physical universe financial considerations and ‘go all in’ to donate and donate and donate until they have nothing left — at which point they are free to create more and more and more money from nothing.”

“Creating from nothing,” Delusion concluded, “is truly being ‘Cause over the MEST universe!”

13 responses to “David Miscavige’s Personal Astrologer Advises Aluminium Shield for the Tent at Flag Land Base

  1. Timothy Hallinan

    It’s a brilliant idea, but think of the much-needed revenue they could have generated by selling COB-approved tinfoil hats at, say $1863,20 each to all attendees. Enough money to clear Dubai. Or expand the number of lawyers on permanent retainer.

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    • Timothy, you’re obviously a bright fellow and that is why you’re getting ahead of things here.

      Yes, additional personal shielding will be needed. And only “RTC Approved Tinfoil” may be used.

      The new Church of Scientology Personal Protective Bodywear System will include a special helmet, undergarments, gloves, and glasses over which will be worn a special silver jumpsuit.

      Details will be announced soon.

      The price for the new Church of Scientology Personal Protective Bodywear System will be significantly higher than the figure you mentioned.

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      • Timothy Hallinan

        And, I would hope, a self-contained respiratory device that allows the wearer to breathe pressurized air direct from Gold Base.

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      • The glasses should be of the virtual reality variety so parishioners can be subjected to realistically simulated RTC-quality gang-bang sec-checks at any time. The glasses could be triggered by treasonous infractions such as:

        Not clapping enthusiastically enough during COB’s brilliant speeches.

        Referring to LRH as “fishlips”, “Old Blubber Hubbard”, etc.

        Not donating in suitable quantity or frequency as determined by COB.

        Failing to fall to your knees in COB’s presence.

        Not purchasing your mandatory weekly set of Basics books and lectures. Remember that not buying a new set each week is tantamount to “making COB wrong”. Per COB’s research semicolons are known to multiply rapidly in aging Basics books.

        Failure to turn over your children to the Sea Org for the greatest existence they could possibly hope for – a life of servitude to COB.

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    • Timothy, you continue to amaze we in RTC.

      If the Christians can sell little bottles of water and olive oil from the Holy Land, why then we in Scientology should of course begin selling water and air from Int Base and Flag.

      Except a new blog post on this soon and, yes, we will credit you. Unlike Scientology IRL, we believe in crediting our sources, particularly Captain Whostolemycog whose genius is as boundless as Flag and twice as bright.

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  2. kjp in portland

    Too funny!

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    • kjp in portland, we in RTC are deadly serious on this blog, and, what would be “too funny” is if the internet went away.

      And yes, we in RTC do spy on you and your posts on the Ortega hater blog. We wanted to reply to you over there but there were 50000000000000000000000 posts.

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  3. SUTT!

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  4. A couple of things – observations, questions, and the like…

    1. It is obvious now why the tent was emblazoned with a giant “KSW”. Aluminum shielding is being demonstrated as a critical element in Keeping Scientology Working. Scientology will show the world tin foil hats are not to laughed at.
    2. Obvious question – (besides where can we purchase internet suppression shielding for our homes) – Is it true GAT II is tied to every Scientologist wrapping their home in a large KSW protective shield?
    3. Internet suppression shielding (much like the emeter) is a religious DEVICE built on technology created by the founder. Its use is therefore constitutionally protected. Clearwater is dead wrong!! This isn’t some giant sign (COB”S middle finger to Clearwater) as was suggested by some SP wog.
    4. It is obvious now why Vastu was retained. The aluminum shielding builds on the founder’s science and is simply brilliant!
    5. Is COB ready to lift the condition of Treason?

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    • 1. Agreed: RTC approved Tin Foil hats are not to be laughed at. Indeed, Scientology parishioners are fully authorized to “Go COB” on J&D’ers and handle them *POW!* using COB Tech.

      2. Yes. All Scientologists are ordered to purchase KSW tinfoil enclosures and wrap their homes in tinfoil. These enclosures will be custom made for each home by the SO Tinfoil Unit, this ensure a sleek and menacing KSW look. Your neighbors will be very afraid of you when they see the tinfoil shroud on your home emblazoned with the KSW logo.

      3. OSA Legal will be suing Clearwater for eleventy billion dollars if they so much as make a peep about COB’s Ecclesiastical Tin Foil Pavilion.

      4. COB’s personal astrologer Vastu is a last lifetime Clear and so yes he understands. He especially understands COB.

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  5. Well baste my turkey, I thought it was there to keep in all the savory juices.

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  6. 🙂 I screamed laughter. 🙂

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