Captain David Miscavige: Batten Down the Hatches!


The Church of Scientology has sailed straight into Typhoon Monique! Accordingly, Captain David Miscavige has ordered the crew to batten down the hatches.

In order to prepare his ship for the typhoon, Captain Miscavige had to throw the grand opening of Super Power and GAT II overboard. There was no actual cargo loss here, but geez did it look good on paper!

Ship in a storm 1977 (14)

As if things weren’t bad enough, the Church has lost steering and is now drifting directly towards the Straights of Garcia where deadly rock-infested waters threaten to tear gaping holes in Captain Miscavige’s ship!


Making matters worse, the Church is taking on water after hitting several lawsuits in the Narconon Sea.

Nothing has gone right for Captain Miscavige or the ship since we took several wicked stern shots in the Anonymous Ocean in 2008. Many of the crew have abandoned ship, gone AWOL, or crossed over to the enemy side where the food, pay, and treatment is said to be much better.

SSN 774 Virgina Class Submarine

The crew was badly shaken up today after hearing rumors that Captain Miscavige’s valet Oswaldo was seen loading cases of scotch, cigarettes, steak, and caviar onto the Captain’s private motor launch, this while the crew subsists on the usual rice and beans and no pay.

The rumors are not true.

Repeat: Rumor not true!

Such things are not enough to cause Captain Miscavige to leave his ship.

The actual fact is that Captain Miscavige will abandon ship only after Oswaldo loads all of the money, gold bars, and guns safely aboard his private motor launch!

8 replies »

  1. More bad news!! We’re receiving radar reports that Hurricane Leah is reforming. Our navigation has been compromised through a microburst of deadly entheta radiation and yes we are drifting aimlessly while taking on water, but Fleet Admiral Miscaviage is still personally manning the helm using his will and belief that we must sail directly at the storm.. He is able to maintain contact with a cadre of attorneys(!?) who are busily trying to chart new courses based on his daily communiques. There must be some confusion, because it appears we are going in circles.

    Our best hope at this point appears to be finding a desert island, ala Gilligan’s Island to regroup and ready the 20 megaton Theta Bombs for launch should it come to that. The enemy seems to have so many entheta weapons at their disposal that this could be our last stand.

    The crew has been told Fleet Admiral Miscaviage is too important to go down with the ship, so Oswaldo’s preparations are not only prudent, but ultimately theta. Scientology may slip below the surface and sink to the bottom, but the Admiral must survive to fight another day.


    • COB read the news of Hurricane Leah reforming and said, “OMFG! I don’t want to hear about it!” COB then ran into his stateroom on the ship and locked the door behind him. We can hear what sounds like whimpering through the door.


  2. Hemet staff reported today that the Blue Bird Motor Home has been stolen. The only evidence was a tiny pair of footprints, undoubtedly belonging to a dwarf.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.