The Church of Scientology has sailed straight into Typhoon Monique! Accordingly, Captain David Miscavige has ordered the crew to batten down the hatches.
In order to prepare his ship for the typhoon, Captain Miscavige had to throw the grand opening of Super Power and GAT II overboard. There was no actual cargo loss here, but geez did it look good on paper!
As if things weren’t bad enough, the Church has lost steering and is now drifting directly towards the Straights of Garcia where deadly rock-infested waters threaten to tear gaping holes in Captain Miscavige’s ship!
Making matters worse, the Church is taking on water after hitting several lawsuits in the Narconon Sea.
Nothing has gone right for Captain Miscavige or the ship since we took several wicked stern shots in the Anonymous Ocean in 2008. Many of the crew have abandoned ship, gone AWOL, or crossed over to the enemy side where the food, pay, and treatment is said to be much better.
The crew was badly shaken up today after hearing rumors that Captain Miscavige’s valet Oswaldo was seen loading cases of scotch, cigarettes, steak, and caviar onto the Captain’s private motor launch, this while the crew subsists on the usual rice and beans and no pay.
The rumors are not true.
Repeat: Rumor not true!
Such things are not enough to cause Captain Miscavige to leave his ship.
The actual fact is that Captain Miscavige will abandon ship only after Oswaldo loads all of the money, gold bars, and guns safely aboard his private motor launch!