Tag Archives: Freewinds

MV Freewinds Accidentally Scrapped

“Captain Mike Napier was at Flag for a heavy Ethics cycle. This left Ensign Nandor Vörös in charge of the vessel. In what has to be the worst telex error in the entire history of Scientology, the MV Freewinds was scrapped this past week,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Captain Napier had left orders for the ship to be ‘scraped‘ as in ‘scrape off the barnacles and the hull in preparation for painting.’ However, Ensign Vörös, whose native language is Hungarian, read the telex incorrectly and had the vessel immediately scrapped in a shipbreaking yard in Colombia.”

“A Comm Ev found that no clay demo of the order to scrape the ship had been done. $100,000,000 is needed right now for a new ship. OTIX and OTX cannot be delivered as promised without a new ship,” Delusion noted. “COB has also ordered a stop to OTVIII as that level too can can only be done on a ship.”

“The sudden loss of the ship is a disaster for Scientology Media Productions as well, “Delusion added. “SMP’s first swashbuckling feature film Scientology: Buggery on the High Seas was to be shot aboard the Freewinds. Based on an LRH screenplay, the film was to be broadcast globally by SMP. COB has fired off an RTC why-finding mission to ferret out the hidden Psychs behind this fiasco!”

Scientology Fugitive David Miscavige Arrested by the FBI

After a nearly year-long manhunt, Scientology fugitive David Miscavige was arrested by the FBI in Las Vegas after being picked up by local police for a minor shoplifting incident.

Las Vegas police responded to a shoplifting call at the Walmart Supercenter located on the 4500 block of West Charleston Boulevard. The suspect was a white male in his late 50’s who was described as being “extremely intoxicated.”

“The suspect had shoplifted several packs of underwear, socks, breath mints, and two bottles of scotch,” said Sargent Lisa Davenport of the LVPD. “After running his prints we discovered we were holding Scientology fugitive David Miscavige in our drunk tank. That’s when we contacted the FBI on the outstanding federal warrant against Miscavige.”

“The Las Vegas FBI took Mr. Miscavige into custody and transported him by aircraft to the federal Supermax prison in Colorado where he is being held without bond pending trial.”

The US Attorney General’s Office has charged David Miscavige with conspiracy to commit religious fraud. According to the indictment, beginning in about 1984 continuing until present time, Miscavige conspired with others to fraudulently issue, offer, and sell phony Scientology Clear, OT, and IAS certificates issued by corporate shells which they controlled, including the Church of Scientology International, Flag Service Organization, the Flag Ship Service Organization, and the International Association of Scientologists.

Additionally, Miscavige and conspirators engaged in deceptive practices and issued misleading press releases to promote “IAS Statuses” to give credulous Scientology parishioners the impression that the defendants were actively engaged in the dissemination and protection of the Scientology religion, when in truth, Miscavige and his fellow conspirators were allowing the Church of Scientology to be destroyed by their profligate and violent acts,  which included Miscavige’s wholetrack campaign of terror and looting IAS bank accounts by collecting hundreds of millions of dollars in FSM commissions and personal appearance fees during the decades in which he spoke and engaged in high pressure fundraising at IAS events.

The charges against Miscavige allege that CSI, FSO, FSSO, and the IAS were hollow shells that did not engage in regular or substantial religious activities, did not produce any actual religious goods or services, and did not make auditors, Clears, or OT’s as promoted in their news releases.

According to the indictment, Miscavige and his conspirators fraudulently induced Scientology parishioners to donate billions of dollars to unregistered CSI, FSO, FSSO, and IAS entities in Aruba, Bonaire, and Curacao in exchange for glorified bowling trophies given at gouache and overwrought IAS ceremonies.

Although these IAS trophies have an actual market value of less than $1000 apiece, the conspirators offered and sold these trophies for billions of dollars, the proceeds of which were divided and distributed among Miscavige and his fellow other conspirators, which conspirators consisted mainly of what the indictment calls “wog lawyers.”

“Most of the ill-gotten monies were laundered, structured, and normalized by investing in a vast real estate portfolio called “Ideal Orgs.” Miscavige has a 75% ownership in this real estate portfolio with his his fellow conspirators controlling 25%.

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion could not be located in order to respond to these charges. Delusion was last seen on surveillance cameras at a Mobil gas station in Hercules, California where he made an ATM withdrawal. It is believed he may be hiding at a CST nuclear vault in Capitola, California.

Billy on the Street – Escape from Scientology with Rachel Dratch

Give Billy Eichner All the Emmys for This “Escape from Scientology” Obstacle Course

We in the Church of Scientology highly recommend OT Billy Eichner’s “Escape From Scientology” video. Billy is hereby awarded his Bridge to Total Freedom at 50% off list price. Billy Eichner is also awarded a Medal of Valor just like the one Tom Cruise was awarded by our glorious and infallible leader COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige.

Big Beings Being Big Magazine

We at Scientology Media Productions, on behalf of COB RTC David Miscavige, are pleased to launch our inaugural edition of Big Beings Being Big magazine, the new monthly journal for OT’s. Get your yearly subscription for $50,000 and receive a free RTC vinyl tote bag.




techWe in RTC have declared the SP Toronto Conference, or conclave, or whatever it is you people are calling your meeting, an illegal criminal assembly.

Actual investigation has determined the gathering to be awash in criminals, Suppressive Persons, bitter defrocked apostates, jokers and degraders, agents of Big Pharma, Marcabs, Helotrobes, Venutian freight locomotive operators, squirrels, communists, troublemakers, freethinkers, Trotskyite wreckers, diversionaries, saboteurs, and shadowy agents from the nebulous fringes of the internet.

To prevent this contagion of aberration from spreading and infecting the body politic of the Church, Scientologists in good standing are forbidden to travel anywhere near Canada. All 5,000,000 Scientologists living in Canada are hereby ordered to immediately evacuate south to the emergency nuclear proof vaults in Trementina, New Mexico.

Having no choice but to confront and shatter suppression in Toronto, the Church of Scientology has imposed an immediate economic blockade of Toronto. Regrettably, then, and due to the criminal activity of those illegally assembled in Toronto, the Church of Scientology has ceased shipments of e-meters into the region.

We realize depriving Toronto of e-meters is a draconian measure that will punish all Torontonians for the crimes of a few, but we in RTC must make Toronto suffer the harsh reality of an e-meterless existence to underscore the severity of allowing SP’s to openly gather in Toronto.

In an act of extreme ecclesiastical mercy, however, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige six weeks ago secretly ordered the MV Freewinds to sail up the St. Lawrence River to Lake Ontario. At 2200 hours local time on Wednesday, therefore, the MV Freewinds will be docked in Toronto right next to the Jack Layton Ferry Terminal.

All SP’s wishing clemency from the wrath Fleet Admiral Miscavige and the Church are to report to the MV Freewinds and surrender themselves to OSA.

Your parking will be validated.

Those who surrender themselves will be routed onto the SP Toronto Conference Truth Rundown (SPTCTR) where they will write up their crimes, withholds, and overts. Furthermore, these persons must turn in all of their contacts, hard drives, and other electronic media to OSA.

This is the only way to prevent spending lifetime after lifetime alone and in the dark.

The Scientology OT Hollow Earth Convention featuring Tom Cruise


The Church of Scientology’s luxury motor vessel Freewinds is the site of the special OT Hollow Earth Convention.

Featuring New OTVIII Mr. Tom Cruise, the OT Hollow Earth convention answers very specific questions:

  • Why do space aliens visit the Earth?
  • Are the space aliens seen in motion pictures actually real space aliens? If so, do they need a SAG card like everyone else?
  • Will the space aliens attack Scientologists from their secret bases in the Hollow Earth?
  • When will crypto-Scientologist Will Smith finally admit that he is actually a space alien?
  • Why is COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige so very afraid of children?
  • Are the space aliens secretly connected to Psychiatry?
  • Are the space aliens plotting against the Church of Scientology just like everyone else?
  • Will the space aliens pull an HBO-style “Going Clear” on us and make their own film attacking the Church of Scientology?
  • How can Scientologists effectively Fair Game, stalk, harass, and attack space aliens?
  • Are space aliens here to secretly abduct all of the BT’s and thereby bankrupt the Church of Scientology?

Mr. Tom Cruise will answer these hard-hitting questions and more during this vital ten day convention at sea.

Note: During this ten day convention all persons are to salute Mr. Cruise.

Priced at only $2,500,000 per person, this is a convention you don’t want to miss. All of the really important Scientologists will be there. If you fail to attend then you must not have the money. If so, please don’t bother showing up.  Only Scientologists with a lot of money should be there. We don’t want the “less able” and downstat to attend.