Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today decried the psychotic SP film critics who are savaging Scientologist Will Smith’s new film After Earth.
“The massively negative reviews are happening only because Will Smith is a dedicated Scientologist,” Delusion told the assembled reporters at the Scientology One News Bureaux in Hollywood.
“The film itself is one of the best SciFi movies ever made and Will Smith should rightfully sweep the Academy Awards, but no! Big Pharma owns the film critics and has them all doped up on megadoses of Psych drugs,” Delusion declared.
“Why just look at all of these totally entheta reviews that the ravening Psychs at Huffpo plastered on their stupid website!” he added.
“M. Night Shyamalan’s “After Earth” has received such horrible reviews that it makes ‘The Hangover Part III’ look good by comparison. The new film, starring Will Smith and his son Jaden, debuted on Friday to a decidedly rotten Rotten Tomatoes score of just 14 percent, making it one of the most critically reviled films of the summer thus far. (For what it’s worth, ‘After Earth’ is still ahead of the pace of ignominy set by Shyamalan’s last effort, “The Last Airbender.”) Ahead, the nine most scathing reviews of “After Earth.”
“1. Is ‘After Earth’ the worst movie ever made? Maybe not; there’s always ‘Battlefield Earth’ to remind us how low the bar can go. But that’s the wrong question, since it implies that this bizarre enterprise is a movie in the conventional sense.” — Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal
“2. Have alien body snatchers made off with M. Night Shyamalan? There is no small irony that this sci-fi action adventure is about surviving a serious crash. The scorched earth left behind by ‘After Earth’ is sure to leave a scar on everyone involved.” — Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times
“3. Once upon a time, Hollywood parents gave their children sports cars as gifts. These days, apparently nothing less than a big-screen vanity project will do for Junior.” — Manhola Dargis, New York Times
“4. Summer 2013 has its first bomb, and sadly, it’s landed right on Will Smith.” — Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News
“5. The level to which ‘After Earth’ is a catastrophe is amazing, but what’s even more impressive is the lengths everyone must have had to gone to for such an epic level of failure.” — Laremy Legel, Film.com
“6. Though he shares screenplay credit with Gary Whitta, Shyamalan is clearly a director-for-hire here, his disinterest palpable from first frame to last.” — Scott Foundas, Variety
“7. By the standards of M. Night’s Shyamalan’s recent films, ‘After Earth’ is surprisingly not horrible.” — David Edelstein, New York
“8. Not since John Travolta kicked the tires on ‘Battlefield Earth’ and pronounced it good to go has there been a big-name sci-fi flameout quite as disastrous as Will Smith’s ‘After Earth.'” — Kurt Loder, Reason
“9. Yes, it’s that bad. — Peter Travers, Rolling Stone”