Tag Archives: exorcism

Scientology Outsources Part of Its Heavy Workload to the Catholic Church

“Due to the highest ever straight up and vertical expansion resulting from Scientology TV, Scientology is now outsourcing some of its BT exorcism workload to the Catholic Church,” said spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The Catholics have been in the exorcism business since the time of Jesus,” Delusion noted. “And the exorcism business has never been better or more lucrative than today.”

“Exorcisms are up in the Catholic Church and Scientology by over 47,000%. What this means is that Psych drugs aren’t working because the real cause of all modern problems are demonic body thetans,” concluded Delusion. “SP’s can mock what Scientology teaches about how BT’s came to be, but SP mockery doesn’t change the fact of what happened 75,000,000 years ago. It’s all true and quite savage and ghastly.”

“Only Scientology can help,” Delusion emphasized. “But until we get 150,000 more GAT II auditors trained, we’re using Catholic priests on an interim basis.”

Christian Exorcist Bob Larson Casts Out Demons by Skype

We in RTC wish to point out that this video is all the evidence one needs to prove that Christianity is a dramatizing R6 implant religion:

The only sanity to be found is in the Church of Scientology:

All Scientologists Ordered to See Will Smith’s “After Earth” 10X This Weekend!

Speaking from the Scientology One News Bureaux in Hollywood, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that COB RTC David Miscavige has ordered all 3.2 billion members of the Church of Scientology to see Will Smith’s film After Earth at least ten times this weekend.

“Because After Earth so brilliantly portrays key Scientology values such as being mordant, grim, violent, and whiny in the face of Apocalypse, the Psych media has attacked the film and is trying to label it as the new Battlefield Earth,” Delusion noted.

AEM

“This is not fair or right,” Delusion added, “and that is why Mr. Miscavige has ordered all Scientologist to flood into theaters this weekend to see After Earth at least ten times. Scientologists must then make YT videos extolling the film and encouraging others to see it.”

“Just as the Church successfully flooded the internet with cookie-cutter websites in the 1990’s to counter a wave of hysterical anti-Scientology websites, so too now will Scientologists flood movie theaters this weekend to see After Earth,” Delusion stated.

“We will show Hollywood that Scientologists have a reach for Will Smith movies that goes around what the critics say. And by giving Will Smith this gigantic Scientology reach-around,” Delusion added, “the Church will show Hollywood critics that they do not attack a film simply because it conveys a wholesome Scientology message of perseverance in the face of giant space alien monsters.”

The Antago Crims

SECRET BRIEFING

We in the Religious Technology Center (RTC) have recently been made aware of a very dangerous new group of wholetrack criminals whose very existence threatens both this planet and the Scientology religion.

We have code-named this group the Antago Crims.

Word Clearing:

Antago = antagonistic to the Church of Scientology. Example of usage: “There are antago videos posted on YouTube.”

Crims = criminals. Example of usage: “The American Psychiatric Association is a group of crims!”

The Antago Crims are a new group of Scientology haters who have only recently emerged from the Shadows of Suppression.

Led by moles inside of the HGB and Celebrity Centre International, the Antago Crims pose a much greater threat than any previous threat ever in the entire history of the Church of Scientology.

We in RTC will keep our readers apprised of developments in OSA’s investigation of the super-secret Antago Crims!

Psychotic SP Film Critics Attack Will Smith’s New Film “After Earth”

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today decried the psychotic SP film critics who are savaging Scientologist Will Smith’s new film After Earth.

“The massively negative reviews are happening only because Will Smith is a dedicated Scientologist,” Delusion told the assembled reporters at the Scientology One News Bureaux in Hollywood.

“The film itself is one of the best SciFi movies ever made and Will Smith should rightfully sweep the Academy Awards, but no! Big Pharma owns the film critics and has them all doped up on megadoses of Psych drugs,” Delusion declared.

“Why just look at all of these totally entheta reviews that the ravening Psychs at Huffpo plastered on their stupid website!” he added.

The collection of bad reviews for After Dark assembled and posted at the Huffington Post:

“M. Night Shyamalan’s “After Earth” has received such horrible reviews that it makes ‘The Hangover Part III’ look good by comparison. The new film, starring Will Smith and his son Jaden, debuted on Friday to a decidedly rotten Rotten Tomatoes score of just 14 percent, making it one of the most critically reviled films of the summer thus far. (For what it’s worth, ‘After Earth’ is still ahead of the pace of ignominy set by Shyamalan’s last effort, “The Last Airbender.”) Ahead, the nine most scathing reviews of “After Earth.”

“1. Is ‘After Earth’ the worst movie ever made? Maybe not; there’s always ‘Battlefield Earth’ to remind us how low the bar can go. But that’s the wrong question, since it implies that this bizarre enterprise is a movie in the conventional sense.” — Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

“2. Have alien body snatchers made off with M. Night Shyamalan? There is no small irony that this sci-fi action adventure is about surviving a serious crash. The scorched earth left behind by ‘After Earth’ is sure to leave a scar on everyone involved.” — Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times

“3. Once upon a time, Hollywood parents gave their children sports cars as gifts. These days, apparently nothing less than a big-screen vanity project will do for Junior.” — Manhola Dargis, New York Times

“4. Summer 2013 has its first bomb, and sadly, it’s landed right on Will Smith.” — Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News

“5. The level to which ‘After Earth’ is a catastrophe is amazing, but what’s even more impressive is the lengths everyone must have had to gone to for such an epic level of failure.” — Laremy Legel, Film.com

“6. Though he shares screenplay credit with Gary Whitta, Shyamalan is clearly a director-for-hire here, his disinterest palpable from first frame to last.” — Scott Foundas, Variety

“7. By the standards of M. Night’s Shyamalan’s recent films, ‘After Earth’ is surprisingly not horrible.” — David Edelstein, New York

“8. Not since John Travolta kicked the tires on ‘Battlefield Earth’ and pronounced it good to go has there been a big-name sci-fi flameout quite as disastrous as Will Smith’s ‘After Earth.'” — Kurt Loder, Reason

“9. Yes, it’s that bad. — Peter Travers, Rolling Stone”

Catholic Exorcist Has Sent 160,000 Demons Back to Hell — The Church of Scientology Can Do Much Better Than That!

The top exorcist in the Catholic Church — who himself looks like a hobbit, a demon, or a gnome — is trumpeting the fact that he has sent 160,000 demons back to Hell.

Exorcist

And now this old demon handling priest wants wog Pope Francis to green light unlimited exorcisms due to the increasing demand for exorcism from Catholics beset by demons.

What we in RTC want to make abundantly clear to the Wog Public is this senior datum:

The Church of Scientology has the only solution to demonic possession.

We are the experts on demonic possession.

The Church of Scientology has the exact technology needed to locate and blow away your demons faster than our regges can empty your bank account!

And we are not talking about some wog R6 exorcism with all of its head-spinning, projectile-vomiting, Catholic demon opera that can take days on end! Who has time for that kind of nonsense these days?

What we in the Church of Scientology offer is high speed, high volume exorcism.

Our technology is called the OT Levels.

On the OT Levels you will learn all the secrets of how to locate and blow away millions of your own demons faster than COB can hit, kick, punch, or choke an SP!

As the world keeps falling apart, the demand for exorcism will keep rising. And R6 implant religions like Catholicism will not be able to keep up with the millions and billions of demonic entities that possess people.

The Church of Scientology can exorcise trillions of demons on any given day and that is why we are the fastest growing religion ever!

If you are demon possessed — and you are whether you realize it or not — then please drop by your nearest Scientology Ideal Org today to get started on your Bridge to Total Freedom!