“Due to the highest ever straight up and vertical expansion resulting from Scientology TV, Scientology is now outsourcing some of its BT exorcism workload to the Catholic Church,” said spokesman Ken Delusion.
“The Catholics have been in the exorcism business since the time of Jesus,” Delusion noted. “And the exorcism business has never been better or more lucrative than today.”
“Exorcisms are up in the Catholic Church and Scientology by over 47,000%. What this means is that Psych drugs aren’t working because the real cause of all modern problems are demonic body thetans,” concluded Delusion. “SP’s can mock what Scientology teaches about how BT’s came to be, but SP mockery doesn’t change the fact of what happened 75,000,000 years ago. It’s all true and quite savage and ghastly.”
“Only Scientology can help,” Delusion emphasized. “But until we get 150,000 more GAT II auditors trained, we’re using Catholic priests on an interim basis.”
Speaking from the Scientology One News Bureaux in Hollywood, Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that COB RTC David Miscavige has ordered all 3.2 billion members of the Church of Scientology to see Will Smith’s film After Earth at least ten times this weekend.
“Because After Earth so brilliantly portrays key Scientology values such as being mordant, grim, violent, and whiny in the face of Apocalypse, the Psych media has attacked the film and is trying to label it as the new Battlefield Earth,” Delusion noted.
“This is not fair or right,” Delusion added, “and that is why Mr. Miscavige has ordered all Scientologist to flood into theaters this weekend to see After Earth at least ten times. Scientologists must then make YT videos extolling the film and encouraging others to see it.”
“Just as the Church successfully flooded the internet with cookie-cutter websites in the 1990’s to counter a wave of hysterical anti-Scientology websites, so too now will Scientologists flood movie theaters this weekend to see After Earth,” Delusion stated.
“We will show Hollywood that Scientologists have a reach for Will Smith movies that goes around what the critics say. And by giving Will Smith this gigantic Scientology reach-around,” Delusion added, “the Church will show Hollywood critics that they do not attack a film simply because it conveys a wholesome Scientology message of perseverance in the face of giant space alien monsters.”