Attention Men: Scientology Wife Auditioning Services Now Available to the Public!

Are you a wealthy, hideous, lonely narcissistic man who wants an obedient trophy wife?

If so, we in the Church of Scientology can make your dreams come true with our new Wife Auditioning Services Program, an exclusive service formerly reserved only for the most elite and wealthy Scientology celebrity OT’s.

How does this program work you ask?

It is simple: Our Scientology Volunteer Ministers have recruited over 1,000 extraordinarily beautiful women into the Sea Org from the scenes of disasters in Eastern Europe, the Middle East, and Haiti in the past several years.

Following their entry into the US as religious volunteers, we in Scientology used our proven SP Hole “special processing techniques” on these already traumatized young women to turn them into mindlessly obedient wives for those men who have the requisite $20,000,000 required to purchase a Scientology trophy wife!

And do we have some beautiful women for you to choose from! In the auditioning process, you will be allowed to interview wife candidates as well as read their Sea Org life histories so that you know everything — and we mean everything — about them!

Imagine owning your very own Scientology-trained wife trophy wife:

* No flashback or arguing!

* Instant obedience!

* Willing and able to live on a $20 per week allowance!

* Will not talk to anyone else except you!

* Will report to her Scientology handler for weekly sec checks!

* Will not use or operate a laptop, cellphone, the internet, or a television!

* Will stay slender on a special diet of rice and beans!

And best of all: Your Scientology-trained wife trophy wife cannot flee as we in RTC are holding her passport in an unknown location somewhere overseas!

Forgot those so-called wog marriage brokers! These out ethics con artists will saddle you with some angry foreign mail order bride who will proceed to marry you, beat you, divorce you, and then take all of your money!

Multimillionaire “E.D.L” of Iowa is ecstatically  happy with Karina, his lovely Estonian Scientology-trained wife trophy wife:

Multimillionaire “E.D.L.” of Iowa and His Scientology-trained Trophy Wife!

Call we in RTC today for confidential details!

20 responses to “Attention Men: Scientology Wife Auditioning Services Now Available to the Public!

  1. We in Global Capitalism HQ are intrigued by your entrepreneurial enthusiasm. We observe several concerns about your business model, however. I took the liberty of running your ad past some of our bright-eyed bushy-tailed junior management consultants, Harvard MBAs that we use to grind through the boring details of analysis on the companies we’re looking to invest in. Here are their thoughts.

    1. A unit price of $20 million per marriage appears to pin you into a sharply limited market. There are only about 1,200 households in the US with income over $25 million per year, which is what we estimate it would take to support a five-year marriage that has an up-front cost of $20 million. We believe that only about 1/3 of those households are candidates for your services. So when you have over 1,000 available wife candidates in your “inventory,” that would imply that you’re susceptible to price erosion. Price elasticity that far out on the price curve implies that discounting levels are likely to become steep once your excessive inventory position becomes known.

    2. For a “high touch” service, you need to have multiple success stories. The success story, a “T. C. of Beverly Hills, CA,” has apparently been less than spectacularly — his Scientology trained wife not only left him, but generated over 58,000 news articles globally about the failure of your services. While overcoming negative publicity is an integral part of any business, we’re not likely to consider putting money into helping you scale out your little enterprise given the adverse publicity for your track record.

    3. Many of your clients would like to be able to take their new wives out to show them off in social settings. With the strict rice and beans diet that you feature, it could be difficult for your customers to take their wives out to eat in five-star restaurants. I am sure that celebrity chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten would be mortally offended if one of your well-heeled clients came in to his namesake restaurant at 1 Central Park West and asked if the chef could prepare some instant rice and beans for one of the guests. Imagine the Teutonic tantrum! In my own experience, when taking some of the supermodels to such places, they happily snack on some of those tiny amuse-bouche things served between courses but they would never be so gauche as to ask for something that looks like it would be served by emergency aid workers at the site of some third-world natural disaster.

    4. We are not sure how you will position your service against the competition that is sure to erupt. While you rail against other marriage brokers, they may have a superior economics formula. Supermodels from the former Soviet bloc are gorgeous, they don’t eat much, they don’t use TV or the Internet; in fact they mirror all the benefits you claim for your wives, with the exception that they tend to be a bit high maintenance, and the $20 per week you pay your girls is a few decimal places below the credit limits that the hottest Russian supermodels want to see on your Amex Black card. But even $20,000 per week is only $1 million a year, so it would be a long time before the cost of a Russian supermodel exceeds the up front cost of your solution. We remain concerned about your competitive posture here.

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  2. As always, we in RTC appreciate your thoughtful analysis but must nevertheless chide you for thinking like a wog.

    As usual, GC HQ is altogether missing the Church of Scientology’s ulterior motive at work here. We want to brainwash and recruit wealthy narcissistic gazillionaires into becoming Scientologists so that they donate their entire fortunes to the IAS. To this end, we would simply give away the Scientology trophy wife for free if needed. This process worked very well with Tom Cruise and any PR damage is of no concern to we in RTC as it happened subsequent to Tom making very large donations. The prenup payout also came out of his pocket and not ours. Finally, we in RTC deny that it ever happened and as Katie signed a nondisclosure agreement, CG HQ’s carping is of no consequence. And yes, Tom Cruise will never leave the Church of Scientology as we own his mind.

    All of our obedient Scientology trophy wives will of course have stats. Accordingly, she will not put out for her wog husband until he donates a minimum of $20,000 each week to one of our various causes. Hence, the Scientology trophy wife will generate $20,000 per week in income while your Russian Supermodels will burn that much cash each week. Moreover, the data gleaned by Scientology trophy wives during pillow talk will be KR’d for later translation into more donations if you catch our drift.

    We in RTC may have a simple model compared to Global Capitalism HQ, but it works for us. We put one billionaire in our thrall last month and are out looking for more. Given the fact that most of us in RTC never even graduated high school and do not have fancy wog MBA’s, we have amassed over six billion dollars in liquid cash.

    Thank you and please remember to donate to the Super Power Expansion Project:

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    • “Given the fact that most of us in RTC never even graduated high school and do not have fancy wog MBA’s, we have amassed over six billion dollars in liquid cash.”

      Not bad for amateurs — $6 billion in 50 years of your little enterprise. But this in fact shows the value of fancy Wog MBA’s and Ivy League schools. In only 8 years, we at Global Capitalism HQ have gone from zero to assets of $38 billion, using a lot fewer people than you currently employ.

      Incidentally, I like how a “Legion of OT Meritorious” who donates $7.5 million gets all the benefits of lower levels including a “special recognition certificate” and a Super Power t-shirt.

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      • According to the logic of Global Capitalism HQ’s argument, had we in the Church Scientology been in it for the money, we should have amassed something like five hundred billion dollars in sixty years.

        But we haven’t.

        We in RTC therefore bow to the wisdom of Global Capitalism HQ’s argument, for said argument proves that we in the Church of Scientology are not in it for the money as Scientology haters like to claim.

        Indeed, if you run the numbers you will see that each of our members donates less than $10 per year and that we get a little bit of bank interest. So yes, we need our multimillionaire celebrities and titans of industry to donate and in exchange — we in Scientology being so poor — can only give them a T-Shirt in return.

        We in Scientology are so poor that we can only pay our Sea Org religious volunteers ten dollars a week and feed them rice and beans. We wish we could pay them more but, as Global Capitalism HQ has so wisely pointed out, six billion dollars is not very much money these days — particularly when we have a planet to save, a Sea Org to pay, and Ideal Orgs to build.

        We in the Church of Scientology are a humble religion just scraping by. The little extra money we try to save for a rainy day is all used up in fighting the Suppressive Persons and groups backed by Big Pharma and the Rockefeller-Nixon controlled media.

        All we in the Church of Scientology want to do is to help, and we have pitiful resources to draw upon. Most days we in RTC wonder why we should even crawl out from under our desks after a few hours of sleep and venture forward to help. But then we remember we are the only group that has the answers to the catastrophe of 75,000,000 years ago that is responsible for all human problems. And so we wake up, take a three minute shower, eat some gruel, and then we go out and change the world everyday in remarkable ways for the better on all the dynamics!

        Like

  3. I would like a little more data. Will Golden Era be producing a 30 minute infomercial on this program anytime soon? I could say goodbye to my wog lifestyle and go whole clam for a deal like this. But first, do you take trade-ins?

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  4. Well, gosh, that’s great for the men. But what say you in the RTC to us ladies? Do you offer a husband audition as well? One that selects for the most able, productive men with no 2D O/Ws or out-ethics intentions? Men who can be “tone 40” on command (if you know what I mean), and have no problem staying up all night to perform as required, with ever-increasing stats? Men who will readily obey commands and accept punishment without complaint, and are lean and strong and just a bit grizzled from lots of hard work and harder living?

    If not, it’s a missed opportunity for increased productivity, RTC. Plenty of wealthy, lonely, self-absorbed women are fed up with those “millionaire matchmaker” services. Or do you in the RTC prefer for some reason to address the romantic needs of men exclusively?

    Jus’ askin’…

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    • We in RTC clearly see the problem with women: They think they want an obedient man and yet as soon as they get one they hate him for being weak. We in RTC believe — along with Christians and Mormons — that women are happiest when they have surrendered to a man’s power and can busy themselves knitting, cleaning the home, and engaging in online gossip with other women.

      Call us old-fashioned, sexist, or even hopelessly trapped in the 1950’s, but we in RTC see women as delicate creatures who need to be protected from the harsh realities of life.

      Having said that, when women become hormonally-crazed PMS monsters, we in RTC offer chocolate by way of appeasement and then immediately make ourselves as scarce as possible by working long hours or finding a reason why we suddenly need to fly somewhere far away on a business trip where cell phone reception and WiFi signal is horrible. We can’t quite hear what you are screaming into the phone about, and no, we did not get your screeching ALL CAPS e-mails as the WiFi is horrible here in Ideal Org Antarctica.

      An instructional BBC video will help readers to understand COB RTC David Miscavige’s view of women:

      Despite COB’s view of women, he has nevertheless decided, per standard operating policy, to abandon his moral scruples in favor of money. We in RTC will therefore pander to wealthy man-eating cougars and so yes, we in RTC are designing a Husband Auditioning Program.

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      • This has to be the best Enfield sketch of all time! …. I think there was another one where she wanted to drive a car….

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      • LMAO! You in the RTC are so much fun! Like I said, the yang to my yin. 🙂

        Seriously though, women only want what you in the RTC want: relentless tone 40, straight up and vertical, able beings whose meat bodies are virtually pulsing with intention.

        The intention, that is, to obey every command and endure every hardship, with the understanding that it is “for their own betterment”.

        This is no more than the strength, endurance, submission and obedience shown by any male Sea Org member reaping the rewards of a “voluntary” stint on the RPF. You in the RTC should be well-poised to provide those man-hungry cougars with plenty of “fresh meat”.

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      • Chocolate Velvet, we in RTC duplicate you.

        We understand you.

        We have reality on your comm.

        The sad fact of the matter, however, is that once one gets past the Church of Scientology’s aging pool of male movie stars, the selection of men gets on the bland side. This painful fact becomes only too obvious in the Church of Scientology’s PR where it has regrettably chosen to use its own members. We in RTC would have hired actors, but as we do not manage the day to day affairs of the Church we have nothing to say about this ad shown below except this: Wait until COB sees it!

        Anyway, our dear Chocolate Velvet, is this the sort of Scientology stud you were looking for?

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      • Hoooo boy!

        Be still my heart!

        I do believe ah am gettin’ the vapors!! And so on.

        Sorry, I lapsed into a spell in the face of such profound, reeking masculinity.

        LOL. What a weenie! A “regrettable” image of Sea Org manhood, indeed.

        Like

    • I have someone I’d like you to meet…:)

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  5. I love it. RTC math vs. Global Capitalism HQ math.

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  6. And of course, we have Sea Org member Pat who works at Flag. He is looking for a 2D who makes more money than him and does not mind the Church being the third party in their marriage bed:

    Pat

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    • Oh dear, OTVIIIisGrrr8!, I see what you mean by bland. Those poor drab fellows wouldn’t know flava’ if it bit them on the ass. Also, they’re so pale and serious, as if they’ve been living in some kind of “hole” or something. No wonder COB is turning to we in the black community for an infusion of “cool”.

      Well, this is a problem for you in the RTC. How do you achieve the gains in productivity this project offers, without something to attract the dupes … er, I mean, clients?

      Like

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