“Google is not the ‘friendly search engine’ it pretends to be,” declared senior Scientology official Dr. Eldon Weiner.
“After two years of investigation, we in the Church of Scientology have obtained incontrovertible proof that Google is a covert NSA operation whose real purpose is to attack us!”
“The fix is in against Scientology,” Dr. Weiner bitterly complained. “The Google Conspiracy explains why there is never any good news about Scientology out there on any of those wog internets. Just go try to find some good news about us and you can’t! That’s why we had to create our own special Scientology website.”
Dr. Eldon Weiner, Freedom Magazine
“Scientology threatens to destroy the ninety trillion dollar per year market for Psych drugs on this planet,” Weiner emphasized. “And so Google was created by NSA Psychs to ensure that only negative search results for Scientology can be found online.”
“Google is a vicious circle of penile enhancement, porn, Psych drugs, and nonstop attacks on our ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige,” Dr. Weiner exclaimed. “And that’s why Scientologists are not allowed to use Google!”
“If Scientologists have questions about anything they should talk to a friendly Scientology Ethics Officer or use the approved hardback dictionaries and encyclopedias in their Org library. Other than that, they are ordered to stay off Google and the rest of those damned wog internets! “
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
The solution to this is so simple that COB must surely be in the process of implementing it as he has consistently demonstrated himself to be so wise and internet-savvy. The Church of Scientology must crush Google by creating a superior search engine using the powerful BASIC programming language in conjunction with the most advanced operating system on Earth – DOS (both created by computer genius L. Ron Hubbard as outlined in the LRH encyclopedia volume “Ron the Uber-Elite Hacker”. This would be a search engine that is safe for Scientologists and the general public – one that displays a single result no matter what the search may be for. That search result would obviously be scientology.org since we all know that COB (and to a certain extent LRH if you overlook his sloppy work and suppressive use of semicolons and commas that COB was forced to correct) has provided us with the answers to every possible question through Scientology.
And to the haters who scoff – no, this is not remotely cult-like. We are simply the only beings in the entire galAXy that possess the entirety of all answers to all problems and questions. That one is expected to join our fake navy and wear silly uniforms to spread these answers is just part of that brilliant answer.
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Yes, all the internet anyone needs is scientology.org.
After COB as-ises the internet and makes it disappear, we can all get back to good ol’ fashioned paper books and CD ROM’s. Bridge Publications will have to build even more printing plants.
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You folks over there at the RTC truly do have astonishing MEST powers, and my hat is off to you. If you could take the Reverend Jerry Falwell (dead since 2007), resurrect his meat body, assign him the tasteful new name of Dr. Eldon Weiner, and have him quoted in Freedom Magazine…why, there truly is no limit to what you can do.
I do wonder, though, what the recently revivified Dr. Weiner thinks of what his former self said, back when he was Jerry Falwell:
“I don’t think I know a Scientologist except when I see one or two of their actors on the Hollywood screen.”
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The striking resemblance between the late Jerry Falwell and Freedom Magazine’s Dr. Eldon Weiner is purely coincidental.
Factually, Dr. Eldon Weiner is the uncle of New York politico Anthony Weiner.
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Google, scroogle. Scientology is your best search engine. The new Ideal Internet is underway. Subscribe to Earthlink and get a free dial-up for 30 days! You will also get a free CD with the Internet in it!
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We in RTC like Earthlink dial up service because Sky Dayton acts like our own little NSA who can monitor on Scientologists with Earthlink accounts.
Still, Earthlink can be very deadly if it actually allows people access to the big sewer that is the Wog internet,.
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Who needs a search engine when you have the telephone. If you’re looking for a set of whitewalls, call your local Ideal Org and ask them for sizes and price. Where’s the best Mongolian barbeque in Bishop, CA? Call your local Ideal Org and ask them. Would the most ethical people on the planet steer you wrong?
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Yes, and with Ideal Org telephone concierge services beginning with prices as low as $50.00 per minute callers know they are in safe hands. There is no need for the Internet when Ideal Orgs are equipped with the latest phone books in your area.
Let Ideal Org fingers do your walking through the Yellow Pages!
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