The media was shocked to learn that Danny Masterson’s criminal defense attorney is actually the nefarious occultist Aleister Crowley.

“The Dark Lords who controlled L. Ron Hubbard, and now control David Miscavige, summoned Aleister Crowley from his hidden rooms at the Scientology Celebrity Centre to defend Danny Masterson,” explained Ken Delusion.

“Crowley, age 147, has made his home at the Celebrity Centre for many decades now where he exerts occultic control over Tom Cruise, Steve Fabos and his wife Peggy Oppenheim-Fabos, and all other Scientology celebrities and whales.”

“Because Crowley was notoriously sadistic to women and bloodied and beat them,” Delusion noted, “he was the perfect choice to represent the psychotically violent Scientology misogynist Danny Masterson.”

“In order for Crowley to represent Masterson, we in Scientology created the fictious persona of criminal defense attorney Phillip Cohen of Newport Beach. We added a garish courtroom wardrobe to complete the fiction. We even included a ‘Cohen lawyer pal’ named Scott Borthwick to act as an agent provocateur and disrupt the court proceedings.”

“Crowley-cum-Cohen is conjuring the malign spirits of Hell to aid Masterson,” Delusion remarked, “However, as in all occult workings if Crowley makes even one single error both he and his client will be destroyed by Asmodeus himself!”