“Sometimes it takes a secret agent to catch a secret agent,” declared Tom Cruise a/k/a Ethan Hunt during a press conference held at Scientology Media Productions in Hollywood.

Cruise, 60, displayed Elon Musk’s CIA ID card during the presser. Cruise would not say how Musk’s CIA ID card was obtained other than stating that the Church of Scientology has ways to steal anything it wants including human souls.

“It was a fiendishly clever Deep State plot,” said Scientologist Tom Cruise. “The $44 billion Musk used to buy Twitter was rolled into a SpaceX contract by a Congressional Committee headed by Deep State operatives whose mission is to destroy Twitter and crush free speech — and this includes the free speech of Scientologists to call out and expose the unholy trinity of Psychiatry, Big Pharma, and Vaccinations!”

“The CIA program was called Bird Killer” Cruise explained, “And the program was designed to make it look like a Madman with Money was bent on purchasing Twitter to promote free speech while he comically destroyed Twitter.”

“I know all about what a Madman with Money can do from watching my best friend David Miscavige intentionally destroy everything he touches as did L. Ron Hubbard before him!”

Cruise warned that the Deep State is coming next for Scientology and outlined a 12-point plan whereby all Scientologists will use their Psychic OT Powers to defeat the Deep State and make the US into a Scientology Super-State wherein all SP’s will be rounded up and drowned in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans and various other navigable intercoastal waterways including the Mississippi River.

“It has to be this way,” Cruise solemnly intoned. “All SP’s must be destroyed in order to save this planet.”

“The CIA Director disavowed all knowledge of Elon Musk.” Tom Cruise stated. “This disavowal proves that what Scientology is saying is true because the Deep State lies about everything when it is caught!”

“Only Scientology should be believed because we are TRUTH REVEALED!”