“Now that the world is reopening,” said COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige, “I have ordered Scientology Ethics Officers to begin ordering Scientologists in for brutal sec checks that last hundreds of hours and cost more than $100,000 per sec check!
“The reason for this,” COB explained, “is that Scientologists have committed a massive amount of crimes and overts during the so-called pandemic!
“Sec checks thus far indicate that virtually all Scientologists stayed home and watched millions of hours of porn, Netflix, and YouTube — and not even one of them watched any Scientology TV or did any online Dianetics courses! As a group, Scientologists are backsliders and degraded beings! The group R6 bank keyed in! Scientologists have reverted to their various and disgusting wog behaviors!
“This is utterly disgraceful. The Church of Scientology is in need of a massive Ethics handling and overhaul!” COB shrieked from the deck of The Freewinds.
In happier news, COB announced that OTIX and OTX will be released just as soon as the massive Ethics handling and overhaul is completed and all Scientologists are returned to a fully ethical state of beingness.