Scientology leader Mr. David Miscavige was ecstatic: He had packed the Kodak Theater in Hollywood with a standing room only crowd. This had never happened before. Mr. Miscavige was delighted that the masses were clamoring to see him.

As soon as COB began speaking about the urgent planetary importance of buying a new Scientology book library for $5,000, the crowd began to immediately disappear faster than free beer at a NASCAR race.

Perplexed and enraged, COB demanded to know the WHY.

An investigation revealed that in order to pack the theater and meet their stats, Sea Org members had allowed in thousands of tourists strolling along Hollywood Boulevard into the COB event. Seeing the stage set, the tourists believed they were watching the live-taping of a Hollywood game show that gave out prizes.

Once the tourists realized the event was a “Scientology thing” they all fled in horror due to their fear of being captured, brainwashed, and imprisoned in one of Scientology’s many secret dungeons.

Scientology officials refused to comment on this matter and instead launched into an angry tirade about Psychiatry.