We in RTC are pleased to announced that Marshall Herff Applewhite, leader of the Heaven’s Gate Church, is the world’s first OTX completion.
When asked by Scientology TV to comment, Applewhite enthused, “I completed both OTIX and OTX in a state exterior from the body; it helped that I had dropped the body back in 1997 after drinking a phenobarbital and vodka cocktail. That drink is almost as yummy as Vistaril, but I digress.
“I did OTIX and OTX at the Van Allen Radiation Belt Org (VARBO).
“They say Flag is the Mecca of Technical Perfection, but I say doing OTIX and OTX exterior from the body at VARBO is sooooo… WOW! Those levels just blow you a million light years out of your head! It’s like KAPOW!
“The meter literally blew up and fell off the table dozens of times. I was having cognition after cognition after cognition. It’s just so… WOW! Just WOW! All I can say is get arrived at VARBO to do OTIX and OTX!
“And thank you to COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige who makes the Church of Scientology possible!”
“Due to a catastrophic malfunction of the OTX Eye Injector at Flag Land Base, the pilot run of OTX went terribly wrong,” said Flag Medical Director Dr. Ken Delusion.
“While we at Flag regret this malfunction and the inconvenience it has caused our volunteer Mr. Victor Volpe-Suarez of the Tampa Org, we can all take comfort in the fact that there are plenty more Flag rejects at the Tampa Org we can experiment on until we get this darned thing right. OTX will be debugged and eventually released no matter how many Tampa publics it takes,” emphasized Dr. Delusion.
“Scientologist and IAS Patron Mega Chromium Excelsis Irma Jean Dinwiddie of Clearwater has become the world’s first OT X completion,” announced Snr C/S Int Davis Jackinoff.
“Following Irma Jean’s completion of OT X, we at Flag had her cryogenically frozen in RTC Freezer Unit 2 at Trementina Base. All OT X completions will be frozen in this same way. OT X’s will only be unfrozen and reanimated when the planet is stable enough to handle their power.”
“Captain David Miscavige has stated that this means there must be 10,000 people up and onto SOLO NOT’s before the OT X’s can be unleashed upon the world. If you are not on SOLO NOT’s you need to get onto the level as soon as possible to save the planet from thermonuclear Armageddon!” declared Snr C/S INT.
We in RTC are pleased to announce the first four OT X’s in the world have been made aboard the Freewinds.
“These OT X’s are no longer homo saps; they have transcended the human form to become Homo Novis,” declared senior C/S Int Captain Holotta Delusion.
“These telepathic new Scientology super-beings are ravenous and feed on human flesh and blood. Specifically, each of these OT X’s needs to consume 8-10 wogs (humans) per day to remain stably OT X. If they miss a meal they could drop down to OT IX, or worse OT VIII! That’s why their orders are to keep moving and keep feeding on wogs.”
“At last and finally, OT X solves the problems of both Scientology-hating wogs and wog overpopulation.”
“This first group of OT X’s is being turned loose to terminatedly handle the SP problem,” said Captain Delusion. “In a few weeks there will no longer be any SP’s posting online anywhere — and when these OT X’s are through with the SP’s they will turn their attention to the Psychs.”
“Soon we will have thousands of OT X’s out there clearing the planet,” enthused Captain Delusion. “By this time next year only a few remaining wogs will remain in museums.”
“And now you know the rest of the story.” explained Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Project Mouse Table was needed for COB to actually write down the numbers involved in OTIX and OTX, numbers so large that, even when written with his tiny fists of fury, the numbers stretched from Int Base to Enoch, Utah. And hence, the world’s longest and costliest mouse table at $890,000,000 has done its duty. COB’s mighty Mouse Table is being laser sawed into one foot sections (1/3 of a meter) and sold along with official RTC burlwood pens to IAS members for a donation of $5,000,000 and a special ‘IAS COB Mouse Table Patron Gloria in Excelsis Deo’ status — a status already achieved by OT’s Bromantica Bob Duggan and Grant Cardone.”
“COB RTC announced today that OTIX and OTX can only be delivered in a special entheta-free underwater city. The FUNDRAISE begins now for the new Super OT Underwater City, an ambitious program requiring massive wherewithal.”
And of course, what else is needed is to create the new and fully embracive 115 volume edition of the OTIX and OTX library on nuclear proof titanium plates and then build new nuclear proof vault in which to house them. Only once these materials are made safe may their release be contemplated — and then again only to those Scientologists who have completed their new GAT II Bridge up to OTVIII and have reached IAS Platinum Chrome Cheeseburger status.
Posted in OTVIIIisGrrr8!
Tagged church of scientology, David Miscavige, Ken Delusion, OTIX, OTVIIIisGrrr8!, OTX, Religious Technology Center, Scientology, Scientology Ideal Orgs, scientology spokesman, underwater city