“I want you to reach out and touch your hand to mine as a point of Theta contact,” said Reverend Tom Cruise on the first annual XenuVision telethon to raise money for Scientology.
“And I want you to call 1-888-Thetans right now and make a faith pledge of $100,000 toward Scientology’s goals of building orphanages for poor children, feeding the poor, and building hospitals for the sick.”
“No but seriously,” laughed Reverend Cruise, “we in Scientology would never reward downstats like that. What we really need the money for is to build more glittering Theta Palaces we call Ideal Orgs.”
“Open up a flow with the Theta universe by making a seed faith donation of $100,000 right now,” admonished Reverend Cruise. “Open up a flow with the Theta universe and a POCKET TSUNAMI OF MIRACLE MONEY will suddenly gush all over the inside of your pants and make you all wet like, WOW! WOW! WOW! It’s unbelievable!”