“I want you to reach out and touch your hand to mine as a point of Theta contact,” said Reverend Tom Cruise on the first annual XenuVision telethon to raise money for Scientology.
“And I want you to call 1-888-Thetans right now and make a faith pledge of $100,000 toward Scientology’s goals of building orphanages for poor children, feeding the poor, and building hospitals for the sick.”
“No but seriously,” laughed Reverend Cruise, “we in Scientology would never reward downstats like that. What we really need the money for is to build more glittering Theta Palaces we call Ideal Orgs.”
“Open up a flow with the Theta universe by making a seed faith donation of $100,000 right now,” admonished Reverend Cruise. “Open up a flow with the Theta universe and a POCKET TSUNAMI OF MIRACLE MONEY will suddenly gush all over the inside of your pants and make you all wet like, WOW! WOW! WOW! It’s unbelievable!”
Thank the gods Scientology Media Productions is finally up and running!!!!! And with Reverend Cruise leading the way to show the rest of us ordinary Scientologists the way to open up the flow in the Theta Universe, planetary clearing is truly within our grasp. These are exciting times and I’m sure the Founder would be so very proud of this heretofore unprecedented level of expansion. Scientology is most definitely not only the fastest growing religion, it is also the coolest religion. Just like Reverend Tom is just the coolest Big Being ever!!!!!! Wow-Eeeeee Zow-Eeeeee
I’m in a bit of a money bind this week and my food stamps went missing in the mail. Would I be able to open up the Theta flow with a nice fat postulate check?
PS: Warning to all who use the Google. Be careful to type in Scientology Media Productions when checking out their vast programing listings. I got a bit lazy and just typed in SMP and got this VERY suppressive website called Scientology Money Project. DON’T GO THERE!!!!!!! Since my eyes have been polluted by the filthy lies on that website I am also wondering if I could get a ‘postulate Sec Check’ in order to come clean fully? I think that I need the full on gang bang G/OSA style Sec Check, a mere O/W write up won’t do the trick.
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Would it be possible with a large enough donation to request a private healing session on the holy oiliness table with Rev. Cruise?
I word cleared your request and yes, if you have enough money, there is a cruise on the Freewinds that will heal you up to OT VIII. If you also bring your favorite oil, a young Sea Org member of your choosing will rub you down and a happy ending is guaranteed. On a table, deck chair or in a hot tub filled with mayonnaise, if you have the money, your request will be answered. The coolest religion on earth is waiting for you.
Reverend Tom Cruise is really a clone of Lord Xenu!!