“XenuVision is the wave of the future!” exulted aging Chairman of the Bored Dr. David Miscavige.

“Unlike wog television, XenuVision is fully ideal in every way! Our uncorrupted communication line to the billions, XenuVision allows us to ignore the catcalls and japeries of those benighted SP’s who cannot understand the central problem of the human race.”

“So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late,” said Dr. Miscavige, “Every man, woman, and child on this planet has attached to their bodies the souls of millions of dead space aliens murdered by Xenu.”

“This terrible affliction is curable by each person on this planet giving we in the Church of Scientology millions of dollars in exchange for our copyrighted system of high-volume mass exorcism which, while it can take decades, and admittedly, many people die premature deaths from cancer up there on Solo NOT’s, is the only way out of this 75,000,000 year old trap created by Xenu and his Psych henchmen from the planet Farsec.”