Tag Archives: Scientology Media Productions

Scientology Media Productions Sitcom: Cafe in Portland

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Cafe in Portland, Episode 1: Being unemployable anywhere else, Reza Aslan signs a 2.5 year contract to work at the cafe in Scientology’s Portland Ideal Org. Joining him there is the equally unemployable Jennifer Lankheim. Comedy ensues on episode one when Reza serves human brain soup to Scientologists who discover their affinity for cannibalism and eagerly devour the tasty treat they call “Wogbrain soup.” Jennifer meanwhile writes a long hand-wringing letter to Freedom asking for her old job back. John Sugg reads her letter, laughs, and throws it in trash.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 2: After Reza Aslan is severely beaten and RPF’d for massively crashing the stats in the cafe, Sea Org member Cristin Woodruff is fired off on a mission to handle the situation. Cristin uses the exact LRH tech to conduct a why-finding for the statcrash. After hundreds of hours of sec-checking local Scientologists, Cristin finds the WHO responsible for the statcrash: Leah. SMP and OSA then comically spend $5,000,000 to make a series of butthurt videos about how Leah caused the cafe to fail.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 3: After donuts, pastries, and cakes begin to disappear from the cafe, IJC Mike Ellis is sec checked. He denies everything but his rockslamming on the meter tells a different story. Things take an ugly turn when MAA Julian Swartz shows up in Portland to handle the IJC.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 4: Shannon Burwell explains why she wrote the KR’s on Mike Ellis after she observed him hiding in the walk in freezer eating pies and cakes while crying and sobbing to himself about how everyone hates him. Shannon then discusses why she is so broke that she has a GoFundMe page to raise $1200 for art supplies for her child’s private school.

Cafe in Portland, Episode 5: A party after Penny Atwell Jones and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige use the technology of GAT II to boom the stats of the cafe to highest evers. But suddenly Nancy the barista (played by Jenna Elfman) discovers false reporting by, you guessed it, Reza Aslan. It seems that Reza, after doing lowers, had talked his way back into the cafe. Comedy ensues as COB flips his wig and makes Reza lick the bathroom floors in the cafe with his tongue. Reza thinks it’s a degrading and humiliating ritual but does it anyway because he alone is so soulful that he can see the beauty even in horrific religious practices.

Scientology Media Productions buys time on Spectrum Cable

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We in RTC checked our 1988 set of World Book encyclopedias in the basement and found that Major League Baseball began broadcasting on TV in 1947. Arriving on cable in 2017, then, Scientology comes to TV only a scant 70 Earth years after American baseball made its debut.

And even now we are hedging our bets by purchasing time on Spectrum, the big cable company that offers hundreds of channels, 10,000+ On Demand choices, and 1,500+ HD choices. Sure, Scientology might get lost in the 12,000 offerings available on Spectrum, but COB wants to do television gradiently and not rush into things.

Scientology waited so long because we were suspicious that “tele-vision” was actually a Marcab device that implanted mental image pictures into populations and thus aberrated entire planets and civilizations. Moreover, COB has always been suspicious of all of those flashy TV executives in their shiny silk suits and fancy designer sunglasses always wanting “pitch meetings” where they talk about “Star Trek” being “Bonanza in Outer Space.” COB can’t think with that dat-uh.

What COB needed and wanted answered is this: How can TV raise Scientology’s gross income and counter the oceans of entheta created by the haters and bigots out here who choose to attack Scientology because they have nothing better to do? That’s what COB needed to hear and didn’t. And so that’s why he opened his tightly guarded little Versace change purse and threw a few shekels on the table to set up SMP.

As we in RTC have been promising, the inaugural SMP broadcast will feature global religious leasers the Messrs. Miscavige and Farrakhan ranting about the Psychs, vaccinations, public schools, and yes, the goddamned internet and what a piece of obscene filthy garbage the entire internet is and why it should be utterly destroyed and outlawed by the good and decent people of the world as part of planetary clearing.

Tom Cruise to Star in L. Ron Hubbard Biopic!

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Tom Cruise gains 50 pounds to play L. Ron Hubbard in Scientology Media Production’s upcoming LRH biopic The Way to Make a Fortune is to Start a Religion!

Scientology: The Real Story

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Scientology Media Productions today announced the production of its new series Scientology: The Real Story. “Season one will feature ten exciting episodes explained Sea Org Ensign Brenda Bahlbreaker, Commanding Officer of SMP.

“We have a dynamite line up of shows,” enthused Ensign Bahlbreaker.

1. COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige: Humanitarian and global ecclesiastical leader guides Scientology into a new and unprecedented era of expansion.

2. The story of how Mr. Miscavige opened 17,712 new Ideal Orgs — and in the process how Scientology became the largest private bulk purchaser of carpeting and flooring in the world — is told. Far from being the “dramatizing interior decorator” his critics have falsely portrayed him as, Mr. Miscavige is instead shown as a man of impeccable tastes in interior design and architecture.

3. STAND: Scientologists taking a stand against discrimination. Squirrel Busting and OSAbot online trolling clarified, explained, and justified.

4. Fair Game? “No, it was cancelled in 1968,” explains Ken Delusion. “It was a bad policy written by our doddering old bumpkin of a Founder. Thank goodness David Miscavige was chosen to rise above Ron’s bank,” Delusion concludes.

5. David Miscavige and Tom Cruise Revitalize Downtown Clearwater. The dynamic Scientology duo cut the ribbon on a new Payless shoe store, the mighty anchor store in what will become 21st century Downtown Clearwater. Soon to follow are a new Der Wienerschnitzel, a Fotomat, and of course a new taco truck. Did we tell you that COB loves a good taco truck?

6. The new Theta Optical Store opens with a special 10% off on all eyeglasses for Scientologists. This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dwight and Debbie White explaining why, although thetans see through golden discs, eyeglasses are sometimes needed when the meat body eyeballs go out of present time.

7. ARC Hearing Aids store opens with a special 10% off on all hearing aids for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Dennis and Brenda Caucasian explaining why, although thetans hear through platinum discs, hearing aids are sometimes needed when the meat body ears go out of
present time.

8. KRC Chiropractic opens with a special 10% off on all chiropractic adjustments for Scientologists.This episode features an interview with owners OT’s Henry and Cheryl Paleface explaining why, although thetans can operate the body while exterior with full perceptions, most can’t do it as they are banky and so go Out Int. This necessitates the need for an adjustment. Henry Paleface also explains why chiropractic done the Scientology way can eliminate the need for wog medications, cancer treatment, and other expensive and unnecessary treatments for made up diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, asthma, leukemia, etc.

9. The new Eternity Bookstore store opens. Owner OT Rod Delusion explains why he only sells LRH fiction and the Basics and refuses to carry the filthy and degraded books written by wogs.

10. The season finale ends where it begins: With a celebration of COB RTC David Miscavige. To support COB, this final episode is a five day fundraising telethon and is mandatory watching for IAS members who wish to remain in good standing with the Church.

Scientology Western Movie Storyboard. Opening Scenes

The movie opens with Sam the Scientologist, played by Tom Cruise, being ejected bodily from a saloon and hurled onto the dirty streets of Wogtown:

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Scene 2: The bad guy “Imonda Internet” emerges from the saloon. A showdown on the dirty streets of Wogtown between Scientology and the Internet shapes up. This powerful metaphor between the forces of good (Scientology) and evil (The Internet) defines the existential struggle for Scientologists:

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Message: Sam represents COB. Sam’s gun represents the IAS. The bullets in Sam’s gun and on his gun belt represent donations to the IAS. Thus, the movie’s central message is conveyed in the opening seconds of the film: Have you donated to the IAS to put bullets into Sam’s gun? Or are you a CICS dilettante?

New Evidence Shows Russian Hackers Responsible for Scientology’s Terrible Reputation

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Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today confirmed that Russian hackers were responsible for Scientology’s terrible reputation.

“Vladimir Putin is behind the plot to destroy Scientology,” said the Fleet Admiral. “Putin is doing this because Scientology is expanding so fast in Russia that Putin and his Russian oligarch pals are threatened. SP’s hate anyone getting better with Scientology. These Russian crims don’t want Russia to get better.”

“Putin and his SP Commie pals will all be terminatedly handled,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige assured Scientologists, “just as soon as we raise $500,000,000 in cash to build a new television studio where we can produce educational programming to inform the public of what is happening.”

“We can’t use Scientology Media Productions to make any programming because its  camera was broken last week. OSA has 100% certainty that the Russians sabotaged the SMP camera by devious means.”

Miracle Money from Reverend Tom Cruise!

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“I want you to reach out and touch your hand to mine as a point of Theta contact,” said Reverend Tom Cruise on the first annual XenuVision telethon to raise money for Scientology.

“And I want you to call 1-888-Thetans right now and make a faith pledge of $100,000 toward Scientology’s goals of building orphanages for poor children, feeding the poor, and building hospitals for the sick.”

“No but seriously,” laughed Reverend Cruise, “we in Scientology would never reward downstats like that. What we really need the money for is to build more glittering Theta Palaces we call Ideal Orgs.”

“Open up a flow with the Theta universe by making a seed faith donation of $100,000 right now,” admonished Reverend Cruise. “Open up a flow with the Theta universe and a POCKET TSUNAMI OF MIRACLE MONEY will suddenly gush all over the inside of your pants and make you all wet like, WOW! WOW! WOW! It’s unbelievable!”