Tag Archives: Scientology Media Productions

Scientology TV Offering a Free Coffeemaker to New Viewers

Following a devastating ratings crash, an app crash of magnitude, and joking and degrading reviews in the wog media, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige took to the airwaves again on Scientology TV to offer new viewers a free coffeemaker if they download the newly-repaired Scientology app for phones.

“This is a high quality coffeemaker,” said Mr. Miscavige. “And it’s yours for free if you download the Scientology TV app and watch 25 hours of Scientology TV. In our newest Meet a Scientologist program you’ll meet Duane and Helen Schuman who live in the San Fernando Valley. Duane and Helen have been in Scientology since the 1970’s and run a somewhat successful vending machine business.”

Scientology TV Airs a 75,000,000 Year Old Photograph!


Scientology TV: Here we have a 75,000,000 year old photo showing the bomb bay of one of Xenu’s DC-8 spaceplanes. The gold boxes contain frozen humanoids ready for aerodynamic insertion into the principal volcanoes of Teegeeack.

In recent years, Xenu upgraded his spaceplane fleet from DC-8’s to 747’s. These new spaceplanes are more fuel efficient; they also carry far more thetans who are frozen in a 60/40 mixture of glycol and alcohol.

Contrary to popular rumor, David Miscavige is not Xenu.

Scientology Chairman David Miscavige to Replace Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State


“Heading into negotiations with the violent and insane leader of North Korea, President Trump felt he needed a far more violent and insane American to serve as Secretary of State for what will surely be vicious negotiations — negotiations that will very likely need to be solved by a good ol’ fashioned ass-kicking that includes choking, punching, and even a set of brass knuckles or a hard kick to the nutsack if extra persuasion is needed,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Given these requirements, President Trump felt that Scientology leader David Miscavige would be the perfect man to serve as America’s new Secretary of State.”

“Frankly,” Delusion added, “as Secretary of State, Tillerson never even once engaged in a bloody beatdown of  a foreign despot. Tillerson never understood that real diplomacy  involves fists, cruise missiles, fake news, honeypot traps, Novichok agents, blackmail, bribery and whatever else is required to confront and shatter suppression on the global stage. Mr. Miscavige understands how to handle SP’s!”

“Fresh off his staggering triumph of launching Scientology Media Productions, Mr. Miscavige has proven that he has an uncorrupted communication line to the billions of people on this prison planet. President Trump was impressed by the fact that SMP reached 55.7 billion people in its first 24 hours of broadcasting and that 22.6 billion people signed up for a Scientology introductory course as a result.”

Image

Scientology Television

Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century!

We at Scientology Media Productions are proud to announce our launch television series: Scientology Man: The New Super Hero for the 21st Century.

Scientology Man is everything a Scientologist in good standing should be:

* Recognizes COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige as the single most important being in the universe

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Not afraid to write KR’s on his family and friends

* Is fully Homo Novis and does get colds or need eyeglasses; is superior to wogs in every way. Can read minds, fly through the air, and kill with an OT death stare

* Ruthlessly puts in Ethics on himself and others

* Brutally handles SP’s as needed

* Has super powers but does not show them off to wogs

* Attends all Scientology events; does not make excuses to avoid events

* Works to destroy Psychiatry, the Psychs, and Psych drugs

* Loves Tom Cruise and sees all of his films; John Travolta not so much

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses

* Use OT powers to find the best parking spots at the mall

* Attacks the ASC and embraces all doctrines of Rathbunology

* Attends all OT Committee meetings

* Volunteers in Central Files for his local Ideal Org

* Is the only one who can help at the scene of accidents

* Knows that LRH was a super secret intelligence agent and war hero

* Does not read entheta online

* Goes “all in” financially for Scientology

* Does not commit face crimes or natter about GAT II

* Spies for OSA when asked to do so

* Takes out new credit cards and loans when asked to do by regges

* Understands that “bankruptcy” is just a dramatization of the wog financial system

* Regularly increases his IAS statuses in each new unit of time

Scientology: Buggery on the High Seas!

Freewinds
The motor vessel Freewinds will be the location of Scientology Media Productions first feature film Buggery on the High Seas.

Based on a screenplay by L. Ron Haddock, the film features “rum and sodomy, pinks and grays, and going OTVIII on a three-needle-swing ride to infinity!”

Volunteers are needed as extras for a crowd scene in which the depraved Psycholos bugger everyone on the ship. The film stars Scientologist John Travolta who reprises his role as Terl, the security chief in Battlefield Earth.

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology: